How wise is it to blog after approximately five hours sleep spread across nine days? I think very wise. My lack of sleep has resulted in a heightened level of insight about the X Factor. Plus, I must continue the momentum following last week’s – so good I feel a bit uncomfortable about them – guest blog posts by The Boyfriend and Literary Agent Flatmate.

I return from abroad to find that, excitingly, Simon Cowell and I are one mind. Either that or he’s been reading my Blog (could he be the person who repeatedly googles “what’s Joe McElderry worth?” and lands on my Blog?). Like me, he apparantly wants a Weird X Factor, full of oddballs. The general public on the other hand are stupid. Nicolo and FYD both had some unique charm and were quite good.

However, in X Factor a week is a lifetime and who cares about them now? Gamu who, I hear you say? So onto this week and every contestant  must have been excited to be told by their Judges on Sunday who their musical heroes were. This joyous situation was best conveyed in Louis’ amazing statement “I picked this song for John as it means a lot for him emotionally”.

Onto the acts:

Storm:

I have three things to say.

1. Someone told Storm it was a good idea to make a scream face in his intro VT (I’m thinking @katieweasel).

2. A good way of countering last week’s criticism of coming across as a failed 1970s american rock star is to perform “Born To Try”, a different american rock song from the 1970s.

3. You do not look like you are having a mid-life crisis when, aged 37, you dye your hair red and sit on a motorbike pretending to be Bruce Springsteen.

TreyC:

At some point during the Live Finals I just know that TreyC will fall on her knees with emotion mid-song and therefore I am a fan of hers. Can we ever forgive her the name though? I sadly think not.

(I also have an eerie feeling that we’ve been here before with Maria Lawson from season two and I’m therefore expecting a shock week five exit, possibly involving the irish mafia).

Was He Wearing A Shell Suit Top In Week One? (Paije):

After a slightly uncomfortable doom VT all about how Paije needs to get fit, we had a nice performance where nothing of particular interest happened.

Made Up Boyband (One Direction):

I will never forgive them for grinning inanely through Viva La Vida last week, a song sung from the perspective of a fallen king facing eternal damnation.

This week they basically did Glee, with none of the charm or personality of Glee. Bring back FYD please.

Mini Cheryl (Cher):

Now here’s someone who did get away with performing Viva La Vida in Bootcamp, where she pioneered an uncomfortable but also addictive bizarre rap version. She even somehow got away with the car-crash rapping of “Ring-a-ding-dingy” over the line “I hear Jerusalem Bells are ringing”. Now that is talent.

What to say about Cher. She raps. It’s brilliant. I love her.

I will love her even more if she performs “Fight For This Love”.

Reminds Me Of Andy The Bin Man From Series 2 (John Adeleye):

Who are the weird men wearing wigs who are singing coaching the contestants this year? I like them, but the comment of “go there emotionally, but not so much that you cry” to John was just wrong. I think breaking down to blub half way through a song (possibly just after falling on your knees with emotion) only to then recover for a big finish would be EPIC.

John lost me from the beginning by starting on the awkward bridge bit behind the Judges. However, he did counter last week’s criticism and show how relevant he was by singing a song from the 1970s.

He’s much better at the upbeat stuff: for example, he jigged well in last week’s group performance.

Diva Fever

• They are hilarious (good).
• They did the phone hand when their number was advertised (bad).

Cryer (Rebecca):

Throughout the series, Rebecca has cried almost continually for no discernable reason, apart from the fact that she’s shy and has kids.

Rebecca gets interesting when she displays that awkward shyness through song. Instead, they made her sing a song that requires you to brim with confidence, with Rebecca delivering the line “I’m feeling good” with about as much believability as when Simon declared that One Direction were “the most exciting pop band in the country today”.

Not Joe McElderry (Aiden):

I love internalised Aiden and this was a brilliant performance. His straining for high notes that he couldn’t quite reach somehow added more to the meaning of the song. How better to sing a song about losing control of a relationship and feeling insecure than to sing it brilliantly in parts and fail (beautifully) in others?

Is my lack of sleep making me mad?

Wagner:

What is this?

Eyelashes (Katie):

I’m not ashamed to say it: I love Katie. Wouldn’t it be amazing if there was some massive turn around in public opinion and she won it? No? Just me then.

I don’t care if she’s plotting the downfall of all the other contestants, knows everyone at Sony or dated someone who was once on the Apprentice: she *fascinates* me. I love that everything seems slightly like an act, even that child-like singing voice. She’s the most interesting contestant we have and she’s the performance I’m waiting to see each week.

Plus – and most importantly – she uses her microphone as an emotional crutch.

I will be voting for her several times this week on The Boyfriend’s phone, I tell you.

Made Up Girlband (Belle Amie):

I’m running out of steam. So I’ll keep it short. Let’s just say that comments like “let me sing more lines…I don’t want to be known solely as the pretty one” in your VT aren’t the way to win votes.

Having said that, they are better than Made Up Boyband.

Mary from Tesco (Mary):

I’m all over the place about Mary. I like her gutsy charm and booming voice and the fact that they’ve styled her like Dawn French. I don’t like the feeling that she should be on Britain’s Got Talent instead of the X Factor.

I have, however, had a sleep deprived vision of her winning and coming back next year to sing her first single, which was an epic Ryan Tedder “Bleeding Love” style urban ballad.

Painter/Decorator (Matt):

I enjoyed “the really high note” drama in the VT and loved the performance. He sings from the soul.  He should probably win.

Enough. I must conserve my energy for Diana Vickers’ performance on this evening’s show. Please do comment and also give me your suggestions for nicknames for the contestants: I’m not above changing them.

Before Mark left to save the world, I said to him, ‘Please…you just have to give me this one chance. This is what I’ve dreamed of all my life. This is what it’s all been about. You won’t regret it. I HAVE ANCESTORS WHO DIED!’ And he said, ‘Literary Agent Flatmate, despite the fact that you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, I will let you blog in my absence. But because you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, you will blog the rubbish results show on Sunday night. The Boyfriend will blog the proper show.’

And a very good job he did of it too. I cannot give you the fancy graphics or the Twitter Vox Pop of The Boyfriend’s blogging; nor can I offer the dry wit and encyclopedic knowledge of Mark himself. But I haven’t watched x number of X Factors (see what I did there?) without learning a little something about overcoming a lack of special talent. So tonight I’m all about the Novelty Factor. That’s right – I will be LIVEBLOGGING! It’s never been done before!*

20.00: And so it begins. OMG! Joe McElderry and Usher on the same freaking show! (Sorry, that should be frickin’) Have these two megamen of music ever shared the stage before? Is a duet too much to hope for? Where did those screaming Joe fans get bussed in from? Not-entirely-unrelated-question: where is noted Joe fan The Boyfriend tonight?

20.03: I have always loved that the judges emerge to the EPIC music from Romeo + Juliet (it may well be a piece of famous classical music too…) but then there’s always the slight disappointment that follows when I realise there will be no Leonardo DiCaprio, no warring families, no crazy tropical fish. Well, never say never about the crazy tropical fish. Actually, on reflection, I’m surprised Brian hasn’t gone there already. Only a matter of time…

20.04: Ah, the first Group of Groups effort of the season. It took me a while to recognise the song, but gosh they were trying. Trying like a particularly “enthusiastic” school choir of the kind that parents must dread having to smile and clap along to. PUSH HER DOWN THE STAIRS, TREYC! That was her big chance to get rid of Mini Cheryl! Mind you, all the Girls look particularly fierce tonight, especially as they strut towards the Boys who look intimidated and inadequate. It’s like every school disco I didn’t go to. Quite sweetly, the Over 28s are combining forces to help Mary From Tesco down the stairs. While everyone else waves their hands in the air like they just don’t care, Wagner seems to be trying to swat his own ponytail. That must be a fun way to pass the time – both generally and when on prime time TV.

20.14: They’re playing a medley of Usher’s Greatest Hits. I don’t recognise any of them. I am much more familiar with that nice Joe McElderry’s back catalogue. I don’t know who this makes look worse: me, Joe or Usher. He doesn’t do much singing himself, this Usher…Oh, and he has his own towel – the true sign of a superstar. Oh, he just had to ask the crowd twice whether they’ll come to his show – probably not the true sign of a superstar.

20:18: Dermot just encouraged Usher to throw his sweat-drenched towel into the baying audience. I am so glad the ultra-clean, hyper-germ-sensitive Mark wasn’t here to see that.

20:24: Dannii says there’s something about Mary. I love Dannii so much, I take the time to spell her name correctly.

20:25: “HE WAS A BOY FROM SOUTH SHIELDS!” Is it Usher again? I jest, of course it’s Joe – who gets the dubious honour of having a montage that features no discernible achievement whatsoever, aside from being A BOY FROM SOUTH SHIELDS. Not even a mention of his decision to come out, X Factor producers? Really? That seems a little regressive. Once again, I get the feeling that the art of televisual montages is dying (as anyone who was in the room when the BBC screened their Wimbledon 2010 montage will know, this is a subject closer to my heart than is strictly healthy).

20:26: Joe is performing, and I have to admit, I’m not familiar with this song. It certainly hasn’t featured in Glee, which is so unlike Joe. He seems to be channelling John Travolta circa 1978. His backing singers are in all the colours of the rainbow…oh, a rainbow. I get it. Subtle, X Factor. OH MY GOD, that was an amazingly gratuitous Christ-like gesture! (If you haven’t already, read Mark’s blog post on boy bands’ penchant for such gestures in their videos – I hope I get extra points for referencing Mark’s archive. Not that this is a competition or anything, The Boyfriend).

20:29 As Dermot interviews Joe (“it’s just like coming home” – yeah, possibly because outside of this studio space, no one really cares for me or even knows my name), let’s take a moment and reflect on the fact that this time last year, Alexandra was giving us the dirty masterpiece that was Bad Boys.

20:33 Cheryl emerges with The Girls; Mini Cheryl has managed to bag the spot right next to Cheryl because she’s her biggest fan. I think anyone who has ever watched the creepy US TV movies on Channel Five of an idle afternoon will know how that storyline is going to end. Dannii comes on with The Boys – Aidan walks alone, because that’s as externalised as he gets.

Treyc and John are through – meh.

Aidan and Diva Fever – WTF, people? Diva Fever are totally charmless.

Mini Cheryl and Storm – Mini Cheryl and Cheryl have an awkward victory hug; I half-expect them to emerge as one Super-Cheryl, but this doesn’t happen.

Belle Amie and Matt – Matt’s not wearing his hat! His magical powers have gone! So he must be through on talent alone. Weird.

Wagner and Rebecca – Louis laughs manically. Katie reassures Rebecca with the words ‘I love you’. I think this is girl code for ‘I loved you once but now I hate you’.

Mary and One Direction – this is unsurprising as Mary is good (and shimmies like a demon) and One Direction have harnessed the power of the sun and/or Justin Bieber’s UK fan club, multiplied to the fever of five.

Paije is safe – WOOHOO!

FYD, Nicolo and Katie are the bottom three. Not even your Grecian robe will save you now, Katie…but it’s Nicolo who’s first out. Nicolo takes it with refreshing honesty: he tells Dermot that he feels like crap. He feels like crap? I feel like crap! He’s wanted to do this ever since he was in the womb – how could the British public vote him out now!? How could you all do that to lovely Dannii?! You people shouldn’t be allowed to vote in anything. Look at the mess you got us into in the general election, and now this. Reap as you sow, and that’s all I’m going to say.

20:48 For some reason, Strictly Come Dancing has removed the dance-off from their results show. I’m glad X Factor has not lost its head: the sing-off is alive and well in all its emotionally-charged, politically-laced drama. FYD are thrusting into the crowd with all their might – but will the judges be impressed with their decent singing, decent choreography and all-round decentness? Announcing Public Enemy Katie as the crowd chants for FYD, Cheryl manages to look like a great 19th century Tragic Heroine, with just a tiny hint of 21st century pouting. I love the X Factor for these magic moments of completely manufactured melodrama. (Is now the time to mention the firing squad waiting for Gamu in Zimbabwe? Probably not).

The FYD guy with the glasses has an endearing way of wringing his hands as he waits for the Judges’ responses…I’m not sure what he’s going to do with those hands now that FYD ARE GOING HOME! They all look crushed; their spokesman says something vague yet pointed about dancing AND singing whilst in a singing contest. Dermot points out that they’re the only act not to have been manufactured by Simon – I think Simon may have paid him to say that. Well, paid him extra, obviously. The audience seems rather deflated.

20:58 Diana Vickers and Katy Perry will appear next week. The crowd goes wild at the mention of Diana Vickers; I can even hear Mark cheering all the way from the other side of the world (he does a mean Diana Vickers at karaoke – and to paraphrase Diana and to show that I was listening, he’s only going to let me blog here once). I like this idea that every week will feature an X Factor alumnus plus Genuine Though-Perhaps-No-Less-Manufactured Star; I wonder who they will pair with my favourites and yours, the McDougal Brothers.

21:00 So my blogging stint has come to an end. It’s been intense, fun and heated – literally, the laptop is burning my legs. Before I sign off, I must thank Other Flatmate for her livestreaming (or talking, in non-blogging terms), to The Boyfriend for his sterling work on Saturday (though technically he did spill over onto Sunday, aka MY day), and of course to Mark for giving me the password to his blog and letting me nose around the statistics page to my heart’s content. Bye, guys, bye.

*on this specific blog. Also, it won’t be quite live. Because I don’t know how.

Right, after a sleepless night spent worrying and dreaming about this bloody blog, I’m back to finish what I started. But before I continue my assassination of the remaining performances, let’s take a moment to applaud that which was great about last night’s show, the adverts.

Advertisers have really pulled it out of the bag for this year’s show and are, at the moment, putting the contestants to shame. They’re really understood who’d be watching TV at that time and that musical ads will resonate (Do you like how I’m using lots of Cowell-isms to sound like I know what I’m talking about?).

Yeo Valley are definitely at the forefront with their hilarious and totally current rapping advert. Those cardy-clad farmies put Cher to shame with their musical number.

I wasn’t the only person secretly wishing this was not just an advert:

Then there was IKEA with another musical masterpiece all about being in the kitchen at parties. These clever marketers have evening taken it a step further by offering the song for purchase on Amazon!

And talking about knowing your audience, well done the people at Nintendo for running the Wii adverts featuring JLS. Tick for using ex-X Factor contestants and gold star for making them look a little like they were doing naughty things while playing with their Wii remote.

But enough about the adverts, let us get back to the actual show.

As you can see (And Mark should be suitably impressed), I made copious notes. Unfortunately, they are now all in a muddle now, so I can’t guarantee that I list these in the correct order.

Diva Fever and their EPIC struggle to be Pop Stars!

OK, I’m not embarrassed to admit it, I like Diva Fever. Maybe it’s the fact that they are unapologetically camper than a Dale Winton camping convention? Perhaps it’s the fact that they have already started talking about themselves in the 3rd person? Or maybe, it’s that they dared to perform in cycling shorts, which, to be fair, was an improvement on their starting outfits. As @tomstoneman quite rightly exclaimed:

Although I’ve never seen prophylactics with that much glitter.

To describe their performance as Eurovision would be to understate it. Cheryl was right when she mentioned Mr Motivator. Their routine, and more specifically, the dance routine, were unabashed queen! Love the bit where Cheryl shielded her eyes from all the package thrusting in her face.

Many people complain that these two should not have been put through as Simon’s wild card – there being many more talented alternatives such as The Reason or that other geeky group. But those doubters have forgotten that Simon is on a mission to save humanity from the world becoming boring! He’s such a noble creature.

I actually suspect an ulterior motive. He and Louis seem to be engaging in some weird bitter form of Gay-off. Choice quips include:

Simon – “This next act is from me to Louis”

Louis – “I’m not surprised Simon picked Diva Fever because they’ve very him. They’ve very camp.”

Louis – “You know who you remind me of guys? You remind me of Simon Cowell & Piers Morgan.”

The two need to get a room or just drop the getting-slightly-uncomfortable gay ribbing. I don’t like where it’s heading and the vibe it’s starting to get.

I enjoyed their performance, despite it’s high cringe quotient and the fact it was occasionally out of tune. I would like to know why one of them (let’s call him ‘Pink Diva’) barely sung. Half the time he didn’t even look like he was trying. Admittedly, ‘Purple Diva’ has the best voice by far, but he was all you could hear, was Pink Diva’s microphone even on?

I hope they stay in because Simon is right, we need some entertainment in the world.

Paije Richardson and his EPIC struggle to not be a yoyo.

Poor Paije, first he’s rejected for no good reason.

Then he gets to audition again.

Then he’s rejected again despite Dannii probably already knowing that he would actually be going through but the producers wanted a ‘surprise’ moment.

Then he gets told he actually is going through.

Then…. THEN… They send him on stage looking like he’s stepped out of the early 90s almanac of bad taste. @nickhucks summed up what many tweets were saying:

I really liked his performance, it was simple – just him on the stage, and it was a great song choice for his voice. Despite it being a huge stage to fill, he didn’t look dwarfed and he gets bonus points for being the first contestants of 2010 to go on that stupid little path that runs behind the panel. I always enjoy when the judges face that dilemma of whether to turn awkwardly to watch or refuse to turn and look aloof.

Unfortunately, Paije also gets the credit for the first 2010 gender change. I really thought we’d got beyond this seeing how many of the audition songs went through without the need to change ‘him’ to ‘her’. I suspect this is coming more from the judges than the contestants.

I like how Louis is now taking total credit for Paije and doubtless is clinging on to him out of desperation given his chances with his category. But, FYI Louis, calling somebody a “Cuddly Luther Vandross” is no different to saying they are a “Fat Luther Vandross”.

He should be safe and while I doubt he’ll win, I’m interested to see what comes next from him.

Katie Waissel and her EPIC mission to prove her point (that she’s not Gamu)

Oh Katie, Katie, Katie. I had such high hopes for you when you first appeared at auditions. But between your recording-contract past and GamuGate, I fear your time is short.

All the ingredients were there for her performance to be epic:

• Crazy sci-fi/partridge helmet.
• Weird military themed costume and set.
• Weird pointy glass piano with hunky man supports that you may (or may not) have played.
• Classic Queen rocky number.

But alas, it all went wrong. The song was both too big and not big enough for her. She couldn’t give it all the emotion a Queen song deserves, and it didn’t really build to any big crescendo that she could perform to. Plus the sound was off again (What is the deal with the sound this year?) and you couldn’t hear her for some of it.

For me, she seems SO desperate to be this quirky, different person that all we are getting are pale imitations of Madonna, Gaga and other unique characters. Poor Katie doesn’t seem to realise that you don’t get to be unique and “a legacy” by merely copying what others have done before. I still hold out some hope as there are signs of unique weirdness – those eyelashes for example.

Unfortunately for Katie, there is one issue that no matter how hard she tries, and God she is trying, she will not be able to escape:

While it wasn’t her fault Gamu didn’t get through, she seems to have become the focal point for all the publics anger over the incident. Her little ‘dramatic’ moment at Judges’ Houses (and that stupid umbrella) certainly didn’t help.

Overall, I was left underwhelmed and if this was a “vote for who should go” style competition, I’d say for certain she was out, however I think she’s in with a chance of surviving for at least a few weeks. If nothing else, the judges will probably save her, as except for Danni, they’re all on the Gaga-bus.

Mary Byrne and her EPIC struggle against Laryngitis

Oh look, it’s Dawn French from Murder Most Horrid. No, wait, it’s Nicky from Westlife’s auntie. No, actually it’s Dawn French being Posh Spice at Comic Relief.

In fact, it was just Mary from Tesco, although I’m sure she’d be happy to drop the supermarket chain from her moniker.

Well… What a belter. She totally rocked the opera diva look with her black trouser suit and Croydon Facelift hairstyle. I found her both fascinating and terrifying. She had some amazing hand action going on and gave a HUGE performance.

I really like it. I really like her. Despite all the factors going against her (age, looks, relevancy, etc), I have a sneaking suspicious that she could win this thing. She’s not got any of the annoying precociousness lots of the others have, she’s got a really solid voice and she’s a loveable down-to-earth Irish mummy.  I’m sure Mark will vehemently disagree with me, but the rapturous applause that shut even Dannii up certainly suggests something. I’d be perfect content with her being the X Factor 2010 champion – I’m bored with all the same-same winners. My Twitter timeline seems to be sharing the same sentiment:

Nicolo Festa and his EPIC quest to entertain.

While Katie tries really hard to appear quirky and weird, Nicolo just is quirky and weird. I think we’ve only scratched the surface of his bizarreness. Following him on Twitter is a lesson in the surreal:

Despite his protestations that he is not a diva and that he’s just “normal”, this boy milked his diva-staging for all it was worth. I’m not sure it was an entirely successful affair but between the hypnotic background visuals, the cross-dressing dancers and the sunglasses (FYI judges, sunglasses are never good on stage) I think we’ve got a potential Lord Gaga right here. He’s even wearing some weird gender-bending skirt in his intro VTs!

Alas though, he singing was not great and the Gaga song did not suit him, I don’t think Nicolo can really pull off busy, action filled stage routines. Ironically, for somebody singing “Just Dance”, he really can’t.

Naturally,Simon 2.0, loved it. It’s exactly what he needs on his global quest to make the world less boring. Will the audience, I’m not sure. He was a surprise finalist anyway – this may have been too off-kilter and not good enough to secure him a round 2 place…

1 Direction and their EPIC quest to be in time.

Well, they can all sing. When they had first been thought together, I’d assumed that all Simon had done was give Liam and Harry 3 backing singers, particularly given how their audition pieces went. But perhaps I was wrong, although Liam and Harry still stand out by a mile, they are a whole other level to the rest (who’s names I don’t even know).

They sounded good together but there were those volume issues again and they did go wrong. Credit to Liam though who showed his professionalism by jumping in and rescuing his bandmate. A pity nobody rescued him and Harry from their weird twitchy gesturing all through the group parts.

I don’t even need to talk about their chances. Tweeny lust will assure their place in the final (unless something magical happens). I’m not quite sure how these guys fit into Simon’s new world vision of difference, but what the hell – These guys entertain me enough to put up with a little bit of hormone-drenched hysteria. I particularly enjoy Harry’s angry singing and the little one’s earnest enjoyment. Oh God… does this mean I might start liking that Bieber fellow?!

I was going to post some tweets about 1 Direction, but since most of them are of dubious taste, I’ll hold off. I really should review my follow list…

Wagner Carrilho and his EPIC struggle to remember the lyrics.

Erm… Right… That was your best choice for wildcard Louis?

I’m actually quite glad he’s in the show, it’s another quirky performance and enjoy hearing his accented interpretation of classic songs. He’s not got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning, but as Mr. Cowell says: “Embrace the madness”.

Clearly, Louis has no wish for him to stay beyond the first show – he couldn’t even be bothered to learn how to say his name! And as @Popjustice puts it:

At one point, I feared Wagner would have a coronary and then I feared I would from all the laughing. The last straw for my sanity was Cheryl describing him as ‘Earthy’. EARTHY!? She’s come out with some crap before, but seriously, EARTHY?!

I don’t hold out much hope of a second performance.

Aiden Grimshaw and his EPIC quest to externalise!

OK, we get it, Aiden sings from his special place where he’s clearly a very tortured individual. There really wasn’t any need to reinforce this any further, and yet we got:

• A chair that looked like it was made from chains.
• A white top that looked strikingly like a straight-jacket (at least until he stood up).
• Some fiercely pained facial expressions.
• Slightly autistic rocking forwards.
• Very worrying off-stage staring, unfocussed.

From all the DOOM trailers about him keeping all his emotion inside, we got a really intense, haunting performance with lots of emotion pouring out. I found it really affecting. I understand where Simon was coming from with his Twilight reference – he was one step away from being a spectre.

I was reassured to see that, like Matt, Aiden has kept hold of that one item of clothing that he apparently needs to survive – his scarf. Cleverly, the stylists have made it white so it’s barely visible, but that pointless strip of material is still there wrapped nonchalantly and ineffectively around his neck.

He’s weird, he’s intense, he’s attractive and he’s different. He’ll probably win.

Treyc Cohen and her EPIC quest to be accepted.

Just her and a microphone. Nothing else. Either a bold move from Cheryl or a wiping of the hands. Apparently it worked as Simon claimed it was the “best vocal of the entire competition”. I think that was a little OTT. It was good, but my overall feeling was – meh.

I think Treyc will also suffer from GamuGate. She got the wildcard that should have been Gamu’s. The public may not forgive this, they’re already pissed of with Treyc’s abuse on English spelling!

I find it fascinating that, given how they’ve gone on about the negative press Katie & Cher received, they’d allow Treyc’s DOOM trailer to mention that they’ve been off with her. Hardly going to help the situation. Or perhaps, that’s the idea – nothing helps generate publicity than in-house arguments.

Conclusion

Well there we have it. I’ve finally reached the end of this ridiculous marathon of a blog entry. Next time, Mark can bugger off nearer the end, when there’s only 3 or 4 contestants to write about!

I’m happy that I got my wish and have a Weird X Factor this year. Last nights show was certainly the most unique I’ve ever watched. There are plenty of characters to entertain me. I hope it won’t be too short-lived and all the quirky ones get booted out at the beginning.

Who do I think will be in the bottom tonight – I really don’t care! Surprisingly, my life will continue regardless of whether I get to hear Wagner butcher another song, see Diva Fever explode in a rainbow of campery, witness Mary let loose in Rock Week or hear Cher sing a non-rap ballad in Big Band week. But since I know Mark’s Internet Following need such insight, I’ll allow the voices of Twitter to put forward their opinions:

And that’s it, my blogging duty over with. Thanks for sticking with it and apologies it’s not up to it’s usual high quality. Please don’t abandoned The Blog That Mark Wrote otherwise I’ll never be forgiven! If you enjoyed my little stint, please leave a comment below – it’ll earn me Boyfriend Points which I will definitely be cashing in!

Check back tonight when Literary Agent Flatmate will be taking over…

Preface

So, Mark (the voice of popular culture) is currently overseas and unable to watch the first X Factor live show. Subsequently, I have been politely asked (i.e. ordered) to take his place with a special guest blog on the first show. I am reliable informed that hordes of Internet Followers will be flocking to the site tonight to get their first fix of this year’s live X Factor commentary.

But what am I to write? I’ve been told I am free to do as I see fit, but as I sat down to start this post, I realised such carte blanche was dangerous…

My first draft on sitting down to write looked a little like this:

But I realised that such a post would probably result in an angry intercontinental phone call. So my second draft aimed to earn me lots of Boyfriend Points by getting this blog lots of hits. It went a little like this:

But then as my cursor hovered over the publish button, I paused. While this would undoubtedly raise the blog’s Google rating, I wondered if Mark would appreciate the additional spam that would accompany his fame. As an afterthought, I also considered the reaction of The Guardian who surely have their eye on this blog as they consider who best to appoint to cover this year’s X Factor.

I reluctantly realised that if I wished to retain my ‘The Boyfriend’ title I would have to write a ‘proper’ blog entry. After all, there was a whole Internet Following who would be in need of their weekly fix. Although since I know significantly less that Mark about Popular Culture, I’m going to draw heavily on the Twitterverse to supplement my commentary.

And so, I present Part One of The Boyfriend’s humble thoughts on this week’s X Factor extravaganza. I should probably prefix this post with the disclaimer that all opinions expressed are mine (or the quoted tweet’s author’s) and do not reflect the opinion of Mark who will probably disagree entirely if our discussions about Joe McElderry are anything to go by.

So here we are, X Factor 2010, just like X Factor 2009, 2008, 2007, etc. But wait, what is this… Could things be different? According to Mr. Cowell, yes they can. It seems he’s on a mission, a mission to find something different for the music scene. Apparently he’s tired of everybody looking and sounding the same. Why can’t we have something new and unique in the music scene he ponders repeatedly through the show. “Hmmm…” I can’t help but wonder, “Perhaps because you keep giving record contracts to the same guaranteed format bland cash cows”. But far be it for me to accuse Mr. Cowell of changing his tune as it suits. And talking of cows, did anybody else notice how many bovine-themed adverts we had this evening? But I’ll talk about the adverts later. Sorry, I feel this’ll be a long blog post.

What else is different? Well there’s that big surprise that apparently nobody knew about: The WILDCARD! Or as I prefer to call it The ‘Bugger! We’ve discovered a HUGE scheduling void around Christmas and need to string X Factor out for a few more weeks, quick find an excuse to have more contestants” card. Perhaps this would be revolutionary and edge-of-the-seat viewing if we didn’t already know all about it and who had been selected. Although it was entertaining to see the judges traipsing up to knock on front doors in areas they’d NEVER choose to set foot in, or as one Tweep put it:

My favourite parts of the home-visits? Paije attempting to hide round the corner, Diva Fever’s suspiciously present gay groupies and Treyc’s voice going so high only dog’s could get annoyed.

We still have the same crazed hyperbole, the same milking of their own controversy, the doom laden intros with associated dramatic music (Everybody seemed to be on some EPIC journey judging by the soundtrack) and the same annoyingly loud audience. A new twist, shamefully stolen from the success of Glee is the releasing of the performances on iTunes for the shocking price of 99p. Simon Cowell really doesn’t miss a trick.

Anyways, let’s get on with the in depth analysis.

F.Y.D. and their EPIC struggle to stand out.

Simon decides to put through a group who can sing good harmonies and dance. How does he decide to showcase this talent? Have just one person singing the song at any one time and when they break into dance, point the camera the other way.

Oh, and to further make their dancing stand-out, flood the stage with other dancers. Not a great ploy on your first airing of a new boyband:

The cynical part of me (i.e. most of me) wonders if craft old Si is pulling the old “flood the stage with girls so nobody thinks we’re gay” trick…

Despite these wasted opportunities, I enjoyed their performance and it’s received the highest accolade possible in X Factor of being “relevant”.

My favourite FYD things are:

1. One of them has been a professional sausage.
2. Alex looks like Marty McFly’s dad.
3. FYD can stand for LOTS of different things:

I suspect they’ll be safe for the moment, hopefully long enough for them to develop a style of their own because at the moment:

I hope you’ve enjoyed my attempt at Popular Culture commentary. If you have (or even if you haven’t) please leave a comment.

Tune in tomorrow/today for the 2nd instalment of my thrilling dissection of the first X Factor Live show 2010, including my thoughts on some of the outstanding and relevant adverts screened tonight!

My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy. This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.

Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:

1. The Christ-like Gesture:

This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.

Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):

Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?

2. Location:

The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” video below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change.

Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice fire escape in the background.

But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses a giant hot air balloon?

The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.

3. A mysterious female figure:

Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.

A special shout out must also be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video.

I’m normally not that bothered about Celebrity Big Brother. However, in the last few days there has been a Twitter campaign calling for me to blog about it.* I’ve also discovered that The Guardian has produced a Live Blog on it; if my potential future employers are interested in it, then so am I.

However, having returned to work today, I can only cope with things if they are a bullet point list. So here we are. Everything must have a • before it. Otherwise it is meaningless chaos.

• The booing of the crowd on launch night is always an excellent indication of what is wrong with the world. This year we learnt that the British public have strong emotions of hatred towards glamour models, prostitution, home-wreckers and Stephen Baldwin’s “light of truth”. We don’t really love anything. Personally, I’m sort of fascinated by Stephen Baldwin’s smiley face and his soft soft voice which I find a bit hypnotic. Heidi Fleiss’ face is also something I marvel at.

• The hated glamour model (Nicola T) is asked by Davina: “what would be your worst nightmare in the house”? Nicola: “skid marks on the loo”. Yes, mentioning poo in your first 60 seconds on the tele is definitely a wise way forward.
• Davina was dressed as a gorilla.

• Davina: “Big Brother based the kitchen on an autopsy room”. The fact that this statement didn’t seem that weird says something. I’m not totally sure what it says. Maybe something about how Big Brother has pushed the boundaries of odd telly but now we’re a bit dulled to it. When did Big Brother jump the shark? For me, it came during Season 5 when I realized I was watching a whole episode just waiting for a housemate to be sick after Big Brother made them ride a roundabout for ages after eating party food (a moment that had been heavily previewed). Or the moment when they made the housemates cling to a climbing frame above stinging nettles.
• Back to this year, and each celebrity has a laughing clown head above their bed that will wake them up each morning. This house is definitely designed to induce a crazy meltdown. I predict Alex Reid. One day everyone will wake up and he’ll be cackling in the corner of the autopsy room dressed as Jordan with make up smeared across his face, rebelliously spelling out long words in pebbles.
• Lady Sovereign was announced as “the female Eminem”. Davina then asked: “What would be your worst type of housemate?”. Lady Sovereign: “yeah. Or, yeah. Whatever he [pointing to random man in crowd] said”. Yes she definitely has Eminem’s way with words.
• I wish I could put spaces between these bullet points. But I don’t know how. How can people manage to create the internet yet make bullet point lists on computers such hard work?
• Sisqo entered the show to a sudden and unexpected full blown performance of “The Thong Song”. But why didn’t Dane Bowers get to do a version of “You’re Out Of Your Mind” featuring guest appearance from Victoria Beckham? Do you think she was busy?
• I had a sudden realization that Dane Bowers, Peter Andre and even Gareth Gates all look a bit alike.
• Last night me and my (The Only One Who Will Watch Big Brother With Me) Flatmate watched intently as the blind by Steven Baldwin’s bed went down, crushed a few of his things, went up again, and then back down. This sequence took at least 5 minutes. It is moments like this that make me feel like I’ve wasted my life.
• And that’s your lot. I’ve just found a “101 Things Removed From The Human Body” on tele.

*A whole 3 people suggested I did, which I think constitutes a campaign, even if one of them was The Boyfriend.

I’m going to admit something that I’m slightly ashamed of. I love statistics. And inspired by Joe Mcelderry’s slightly unnecessary revelation of heterosexuality this week, I’ve decided that I should proudly put it out there.

Today, against all odds, Joe was beaten to Christmas number 1 by Rage Against The Machine. It’s actually the second time an X Factor winner hasn’t claimed the Christmas number 1: Steve Brookstein didn’t either back in 2004, although that was because Simon Cowell delayed the release by a week so that Band Aid 20 could secure the number 1. (I hope this kind of knowledge is establishing me as a credible expert when it comes to popular culture, Literary Agent Flatmate? Even if I fear the deep statistical analysis that is to come will excite only myself).

What’s interesting this year are Joe’s sales compared to not only RATM but also previous winners*:

1 Rage Against The Machine 503k
2 Joe McElderry 451k

Previous winner’s first week sales:

2005: Shayne Ward: 742k

2008: Alexandra Burke: 576k

2006: Leona Lewis: 571k (and the most downloaded song of 2006)

2007: Leon Jackson: 275k

2004: Steve Brookstein: 250k

So, Leona, Alex and Shayne would’ve all beaten RATM whilst the other three boys wouldn’t have**. Interesting. It’s the first indication that Joe’s probably not going to have the success Alex and Leona did; however, some consolation for him, he might do better than Leon.

Shayne’s massive sales reveal that these stats aren’t a definitive guide to future success. I still maintain, however, that Shayne’s success is underplayed: his sophomore album Breathless reached number 2, beating Kylie’s big comeback album “X”, and selling over 450k. The campaign was only stopped short when they didn’t bother to release a third single, for no real reason (or because Syco were fixated on Leona).

Here are two other interesting Reality TV first week sales:

Will Young: “Evergreen/Anything Is Possible” (week one sales of 1.1 million):

No-one since has got anywhere close to Will Young’s week one sales of his first single (he outsold Leon, Steve and Joe’s week one sales in his first day). Even more, this wasn’t even at Christmas. It seems the magic of the first Pop Idol, where enormous viewing figures translated directly into unprecidented sales, will never quite be recreated.

Girls Aloud: “Sound of the Underground” (week one sales of 213k)

The other extreme: the lowest sales of the lot and yet they are the act (along with Will) who have had longevity. The figures are possibly low as there were two singles out from the show that year, Girls Aloud and their rival boyband One True Voice, splitting sales. Also, the song is as unchristmassy as they come. But it was an important and inspired choice as it set the group up as releasing slightly edgy, credible pop songs as opposed to, say, Hear’say. Incidentally, will I ever forgive Girls Aloud for this? A song about how the internet and texting is killing us?

Considering this year the X Factor final got more viewers than ever before, with 6 million votes registered for Joe, his sales are surprisingly low. In fact, approximately 0.75% of those who voted for him bought the single this week. Two other fascinating things: his download sales are much lower than Alex’s, suggesting his fanbase are a significantly older/younger demographic who don’t normally buy singles. Which may cause him to struggle in the long term. Secondly, even during the biggest Christmas number one battle, he’s still not trended on Twitter. 

Possibly it’s the song choice: though is the Climb much worse than It’s My Goal? Joe’s PR machine this week has also been wildly misjudged: the first day Cowell came out with a vicious attack on RATM  (annoying people more), the next day he wheeled out Cheryl Cole. When that didn’t work, he made Alexandra say something. And then Joe announces that he has finally bothered to listen to his rival’s song and that he thinks it’s so bad that Rage Against The Machine wouldn’t have made it to bootcamp. Oh god.

Whilst I’m here, the X Factor weekly voting stats have been released again this year which makes me tragically happy. Apart from the hilarious jokes that you can make about different acts topping each other in various weeks, what it mainly reveals is that the British public is almost entirely mad. More to come on this later…

*I’ve tried to be objective in my comments on Joe this week, as a loving gesture to the Boyfriend  (Joe McElderry caused two arguments between us this weekend. I hope you’re proud Joe).

**Popular consensus is that it’s easier for a boy to win these shows over girls, due to the theory that it’s mainly women that vote and that they tend to vote for male acts they fancy, whilst hating other successful women (I’m looking at you, Housemate Who Voted For Calvin On Strictly 15 times This Weekend). What’s interesting is that the four most successful winners of these shows – arguably Leona, Alexandra, Girls Aloud and Will Young - include just one man. And a gay one at that. Maybe this is a whole blog piece in itself?

Blog written under immense time pressure. I’m actually supposed to be celebrating Christmas Day today. Long story. (I’m realizing that my dream job of live blogging for the Guardian might be slightly stressful. However, I’m convinced I would thrive under such pressure, Guardian Editor. I am sure you’re part of my readership).

Will someone also tell The Boyfriend that saying comments like “you have to write it quickly today. And it better be good as this is the Final. This is the culmination of all your posts! Oh and the http://myfizzypop.blogspot.com/ blog is linking to yours and you have nothing there! So hurry up” don’t help one bit.*

“First Audition” Song:

In the battle of best Judges’ reaction, Dannii stormed Round 1. Excellent natural crying, Dannii; Cheryl, good attempt, but you teetered on the edge desperation; Simon, you couldn’t be bothered to emote.

So, Olly got full on slutty she-vampire choreography, including innovative wiggling across the floor underneath straddling she-vampires; Joe got a gospel choir whilst swirling fake clouds surrounded his feet; and Stacey got…a stool. Stacey’s legs have been identified as a key selling point so were on prominent display; Olly alienated me the moment he mimed “writing on the wall”; and Joe sang the perfect song for his target audience,  70 year old grannies. I have made a commitment to buy The Boyfriend every Joe album ever released in recognition of his support of Joe: I am confident this will be just the one purchase.

Did anyone else notice that when Cheryl said in the VT that Joe had star quality she looked down in shame?

I’m sure everyone was also moved by the frequent references to Olly’s hideous life before the X Factor. He was forced to work in an office! How shocking/unbearable.

Duets:

The duets are the most telling element of the final as they show who Ultimate Puppet MasterSimon would like to win. Who can forget the infamous occassion last year where Alexandra Burke got possibly the best duet ever** with Beyonce, poor JLS got Westlife and haven’t-got-a-chance Eggnog got Boyzone?

Stacey & Buble:

Buble is technically the least special of the three Celebrity Dueters: however, his album is selling bucket loads, so this was not as weak a choice as one might think. Stacey and Buble turned out to be a fantastic pairing: the voices sounded brilliant together and their flirty performance looked natural and classy. I loved it.

(But when Stacey spoke to introduce Buble it made me wish again that she had done at least one Kate Nash speaking/singing performance this season. This would have been truly relevant/authentic/believable!)

Joe and George Michael:

My favourite bit of this: George walks on and starts performing. Joe grins like a maniac. A verse and chorus passes and Joe awkwardly starts to realize that George might not let him sing again. Joe mouths along quietly. The smile drops:

Still, in the bits that Joe and George did get to sing together this was a vocal tour de force. He’d still make a rubbish winner though.

**A close rival to this is Take That and Leona below. This also includes the best ever post performance celebrity duet interview (a less niche category than you’d think), where Gary Barlow tells Simon that he better not give Leona the usual shit album he has for previous winners.

Best Song From The Series (am drastically running out of time. It’s nearly Christmas lunch).

Stacey:

Not as good vocally as first time round, but that first time was my favourite song sung all season. So we’ll let her off.

Olly:

Great performance. But why are we always pretending it’s the 1920s when Olly performs?  And did Louis just call Olly sexy?

Joe:

Meh. And that despite him using the microphone as an emotional crutch, which is usually a safe bet for me.

Third Place:

No! An Olly/Joe show is a hideous prospect. Olly singing The Climb?! No.

In honour of Stacey, I post the direction I wish she’d taken:

This week we were introduced to a whole new word: apparently the show is no longer about “relevance” but all about “authenticity”. Which is ironic on many levels.

Thankfully Simon cleared up the confusion of last week, explaining that actually Sting was to blame for Lucie leaving. I was then reassured that Simon would never play with anyone’s lives or use tactics in any way and then felt warm because as a member of the public he implicitly trusts my opinions. Finally, I felt proud of the show for creating such credible stars as Susan Boyle (err, isn’t she from your other show, Simon?).

I got all excited when they showed the Queen video for “I Want To Break Free” and hoped that the X Factor would take their pioneering gender swapping songs one step further and cross-dress at least one act. Anyone else think Stacey dressed up like a cockney lad (a la Oliver) could be fascinating?. 

Sideshow Bob (Jamie):

Sideshow Bob seemed less Broken Man this week. He clapped his hands a lot and went on the little bridge behind the judges, which did sort of cover up for starting wildly out of tune. Cheryl had insightful comments about his jeans being nice but his hair being not (which was about as insightful as her comments got all evening). I thought it was OK as he didn’t try and emote with his face, which is the thing that really riles me.

The Empty Space Zac Efron Leaves When He Exits A Room (Lloyd):

He doesn’t know who Queen is? GET OUT NOW.

Why does Brian Friedman always dress all the female backing dancers like slutty she-vampires? Does he hate women? Is this why Britney Spears is in the state she’s in? Lloyd zig-zagged through them as though they were traffic cones and he was attempting his first cycling proficiency course.

Not as out of tune as usual though (I’d say 4 out of every 5 notes were in tune), so progress.

Cheeky Chappy (Olly):

Cheeky Chappy was a tad disappointing: could his star quality be in the little finger that he broke? (Full points though for trying to punch Jedward: their twitchy movements would have made them an understandably hard target. If only it had been Danyl doing the punching however, and then the bullying storyline could’ve taken on a whole new level). All the judges apart from Dannii chose to forget that he sang pretty out of tune and that he took a massive gasp before the last big note (pet hate). The robot dancing half won me over, although it was hard to tell as I was watching it on my PC and his body was comprised of approximately 3 pixels.

He’ll stay as he’s much better vocally than this performance (and according to Louis he’s half Gary/half Robbie, which is a compelling mix. Sideshow Bob’s hair is sort of Howard, Lloyd could be pretty Mark and Danyl was a dance teacher and has a shaved head so could be Jason. And there we have Take That. Could they come back next year as a group?).

Gareth Gates (Joe):

The Boyfriend will be pleased to hear I liked him slightly more than usual this week.  However, whilst he sang it very in tune again, Brian and Roger summed it up when they said it was “very nice”. “Someone To Love” is an aggressive, desperate song that should be sung with a bit of grit: Gareth did try and do a bit of this with the odd angry fist movement, but whereas the opening line is “Each morning I get up I die a little”, Joe’s face and tone said “Each morning is a bit rubbish sometimes”.

Twin Peaks (John & Edward):

Oh god, I think Jedward tried to do Broken Man this week with a bit of crying in the VT. Does the fact that we didn’t boo them mean we like them now? I thought it was a bit boring. Apparently this performance was “authentic”?

Stacey:

Even though she has a slight vocal wobble at the beginning, I forgive this as she did what Joe didn’t quite manage which was put emotion and aggression behind the song. By far the night’s most interesting performance: she’s finally showed us that she can let loose and go for it. And she got the golden rain behind her, which can only be a good sign.

Danyl:

You have to be some kind of evil genius to sing “We Are The Champions” when you’ve been accused of cockiness and sort of pull it off. The OTT attempts to make the songs lyrics into his X Factor journey diminished the song (“I’ve done my sentence/but committed no crime [..] I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face”) as did his VT dilemma of “just how cocky should I appear on stage this week?”. But, again, it was interesting. He needs to draw us in more: I still feel he’s trying to perform at me and do massive notes, not in response to the emotion of the song but rather to show me how good he is. Change this please Danyl and you’d be great.

Bottom Two:

Oh, it’s tough. Jedward and Jamie. Maybe Lloyd. (If I was an X Factor producer I would be praying that one of the rubbish acts (i.e. Jedward or Lloyd) go this week to maintain a semblance of credibility.

Mathematical Formula shockingly says Olly and Lloyd. That can’t be right. Can it?