X Factor 2010: Week Two (Part One). Musical Heroes.
Oct 17th
How wise is it to blog after approximately five hours sleep spread across nine days? I think very wise. My lack of sleep has resulted in a heightened level of insight about the X Factor. Plus, I must continue the momentum following last week’s – so good I feel a bit uncomfortable about them – guest blog posts by The Boyfriend and Literary Agent Flatmate.
I return from abroad to find that, excitingly, Simon Cowell and I are one mind. Either that or he’s been reading my Blog (could he be the person who repeatedly googles “what’s Joe McElderry worth?” and lands on my Blog?). Like me, he apparantly wants a Weird X Factor, full of oddballs. The general public on the other hand are stupid. Nicolo and FYD both had some unique charm and were quite good. Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor 2010: Week One (Part Three). Number Ones.
Oct 10th
Before Mark left to save the world, I said to him, ‘Please…you just have to give me this one chance. This is what I’ve dreamed of all my life. This is what it’s all been about. You won’t regret it. I HAVE ANCESTORS WHO DIED!’ And he said, ‘Literary Agent Flatmate, despite the fact that you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, I will let you blog in my absence. But because you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, you will blog the rubbish results show on Sunday night. The Boyfriend will blog the proper show.’ Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor 2010: Week One (Part Two)
Oct 10th
Right, after a sleepless night spent worrying and dreaming about this bloody blog, I’m back to finish what I started. But before I continue my assassination of the remaining performances, let’s take a moment to applaud that which was great about last night’s show, the adverts.
Advertisers have really pulled it out of the bag for this year’s show and are, at the moment, putting the contestants to shame. They’re really understood who’d be watching TV at that time and that musical ads will resonate (Do you like how I’m using lots of Cowell-isms to sound like I know what I’m talking about?). Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor 2010: Week One (Part One)
Oct 10th
Preface
So, Mark (the voice of popular culture) is currently overseas and unable to watch the first X Factor live show. Subsequently, I have been politely asked (i.e. ordered) to take his place with a special guest blog on the first show. I am reliable informed that hordes of Internet Followers will be flocking to the site tonight to get their first fix of this year’s live X Factor commentary.
But what am I to write? I’ve been told I am free to do as I see fit, but as I sat down to start this post, I realised such carte blanche was dangerous… Read the rest of this entry »
The Archetypal Boyband Music Video
Jan 17th
My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy. This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.
Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:
1. The Christ-like Gesture:
This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.
Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):
Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?
2. Location:
The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” video below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change.
Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice fire escape in the background.
But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses a giant hot air balloon?
The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.
3. A mysterious female figure:
Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.
A special shout out must also be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video.
4. Water:
Ideally, the water is dripped on scantily clad Boyband members throughout the video. However, a sudden onrush of water can also be used to signal a dramatic moment in the song: for example, “Words” by Boyzone, where it unexpectedly starts raining inside a pub (strangely, no-one in pub seems that shocked). Take That’s “Back For Good” also uses rain nicely to show that the song is a sad one. However, the ultimate example must go to Take That’s “Pray”, which has water dripping all over the semi-naked Boyband members (who also obsessively make Christ-like gestures).
I’m sure there are more than four archetypes, so please do share any I’ve missed. I nearly included slow motion, the “i’m looking down but now I’m going to look up into the camera” look, and levitation almost got a whole slot of its own. JLS are also currently bringing back a concept that I hope will take off: the “mime the words you’re singing” with their brilliant “forever and a day for you” actions in “Everybody In Love”. I tried to screen grab this but they are too talented and do it too fast for me to capture.
I’ll leave you with the ultimate Boyband video: Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love”. Whilst the song is a bit rubbish, the video is important. I like to think that, as this song marks the death of the ultimate Boyband (it was their last single before they split), all the archetypes are in meltdown.
1. Firstly, the mysterious female has gone evil. Rather than being the passive object of admiration for the Boyband, she is now in control! She has abused this power and kidnapped them all.
2. She has placed them in an urban interior (basement/warehouse) but they are all tied up and therefore unable to perform Christ-like gestures.
3. Evil mysterious female now takes them to dramatic exterior landscape – a cliff top. Hooray, we are in safe Boyband territory again! Oh no we’re not, she’s going to throw them off it!
4. And what does she throw them off into: yes, that’s right, water! Water kills the Boyband! And not even the stormy, dramatic sea; no, instead a lake by a motorway.*
*That’s a frustrated ex-english lit. student for you.
A Bullet Point List On Celebrity Big Brother
Jan 5th
I’m normally not that bothered about Celebrity Big Brother. However, in the last few days there has been a Twitter campaign calling for me to blog about it.* I’ve also discovered that The Guardian has produced a Live Blog on it; if my potential future employers are interested in it, then so am I.
However, having returned to work today, I can only cope with things if they are a bullet point list. So here we are. Everything must have a • before it. Otherwise it is meaningless chaos.
- The booing of the crowd on launch night is always an excellent indication of what is wrong with the world. This year we learnt that the British public have strong emotions of hatred towards glamour models, prostitution, home-wreckers and Stephen Baldwin’s “light of truth”. We don’t really love anything. Personally, I’m sort of fascinated by Stephen Baldwin’s smiley face and his soft soft voice which I find a bit hypnotic. Heidi Fleiss’ face is also something I marvel at.
- The hated glamour model (Nicola T) is asked by Davina: “what would be your worst nightmare in the house”? Nicola: “skid marks on the loo”. Yes, mentioning poo in your first 60 seconds on the tele is definitely a wise way forward.
- Davina was dressed as a gorilla.
- Davina: “Big Brother based the kitchen on an autopsy room”. The fact that this statement didn’t seem that weird says something. I’m not totally sure what it says. Maybe something about how Big Brother has pushed the boundaries of odd telly but now we’re a bit dulled to it. When did Big Brother jump the shark? For me, it came during Season 5 when I realized I was watching a whole episode just waiting for a housemate to be sick after Big Brother made them ride a roundabout for ages after eating party food (a moment that had been heavily previewed). Or the moment when they made the housemates cling to a climbing frame above stinging nettles.
- Back to this year, and each celebrity has a laughing clown head above their bed that will wake them up each morning. This house is definitely designed to induce a crazy meltdown. I predict Alex Reid. One day everyone will wake up and he’ll be cackling in the corner of the autopsy room dressed as Jordan with make up smeared across his face, rebelliously spelling out long words in pebbles.
- Lady Sovereign was announced as “the female Eminem”. Davina then asked: “What would be your worst type of housemate?”. Lady Sovereign: “yeah. Or, yeah. Whatever he [pointing to random man in crowd] said”. Yes she definitely has Eminem’s way with words.
- I wish I could put spaces between these bullet points. But I don’t know how. How can people manage to create the internet yet make bullet point lists on computers such hard work?
- Sisqo entered the show to a sudden and unexpected full blown performance of “The Thong Song”. But why didn’t Dane Bowers get to do a version of “You’re Out Of Your Mind” featuring guest appearance from Victoria Beckham? Do you think she was busy?
- I had a sudden realization that Dane Bowers, Peter Andre and even Gareth Gates all look a bit alike.
- Last night me and my (The Only One Who Will Watch Big Brother With Me) Flatmate watched intently as the blind by Steven Baldwin’s bed went down, crushed a few of his things, went up again, and then back down. This sequence took at least 5 minutes. It is moments like this that make me feel like I’ve wasted my life.
- And that’s your lot. I’ve just found a “101 Things Removed From The Human Body” on tele.
*A whole 3 people suggested I did, which I think constitutes a campaign, even if one of them was The Boyfriend.
Statistics – Christmas Number Ones
Dec 20th
I’m going to admit something that I’m slightly ashamed of. I love statistics. And inspired by Joe Mcelderry’s slightly unnecessary revelation of heterosexuality this week, I’ve decided that I should proudly put it out there.
Today, against all odds, Joe was beaten to Christmas number 1 by Rage Against The Machine. It’s actually the second time an X Factor winner hasn’t claimed the Christmas number 1: Steve Brookstein didn’t either back in 2004, although that was because Simon Cowell delayed the release by a week so that Band Aid 20 could secure the number 1. (I hope this kind of knowledge is establishing me as a credible expert when it comes to popular culture, Literary Agent Flatmate? Even if I fear the deep statistical analysis that is to come will excite only myself).
What’s interesting this year are Joe’s sales compared to not only RATM but also previous winners*:
1 Rage Against The Machine 503k
2 Joe McElderry 451k
Previous winner’s first week sales:
2005: Shayne Ward: 742k
2008: Alexandra Burke: 576k
2006: Leona Lewis: 571k (and the most downloaded song of 2006)
2007: Leon Jackson: 275k
2004: Steve Brookstein: 250k
So, Leona, Alex and Shayne would’ve all beaten RATM whilst the other three boys wouldn’t have**. Interesting. It’s the first indication that Joe’s probably not going to have the success Alex and Leona did; however, some consolation for him, he might do better than Leon.
Shayne’s massive sales reveal that these stats aren’t a definitive guide to future success. I still maintain, however, that Shayne’s success is underplayed: his sophomore album Breathless reached number 2, beating Kylie’s big comeback album “X”, and selling over 450k. The campaign was only stopped short when they didn’t bother to release a third single, for no real reason (or because Syco were fixated on Leona).
Here are two other interesting Reality TV first week sales:
Will Young: “Evergreen/Anything Is Possible” (week one sales of 1.1 million):
No-one since has got anywhere close to Will Young’s week one sales of his first single (he outsold Leon, Steve and Joe’s week one sales in his first day). Even more, this wasn’t even at Christmas. It seems the magic of the first Pop Idol, where enormous viewing figures translated directly into unprecidented sales, will never quite be recreated.
Girls Aloud: “Sound of the Underground” (week one sales of 213k)
The other extreme: the lowest sales of the lot and yet they are the act (along with Will) who have had longevity. The figures are possibly low as there were two singles out from the show that year, Girls Aloud and their rival boyband One True Voice, splitting sales. Also, the song is as unchristmassy as they come. But it was an important and inspired choice as it set the group up as releasing slightly edgy, credible pop songs as opposed to, say, Hear’say. Incidentally, will I ever forgive Girls Aloud for this? A song about how the internet and texting is killing us?
Considering this year the X Factor final got more viewers than ever before, with 6 million votes registered for Joe, his sales are surprisingly low. In fact, approximately 0.75% of those who voted for him bought the single this week. Two other fascinating things: his download sales are much lower than Alex’s, suggesting his fanbase are a significantly older/younger demographic who don’t normally buy singles. Which may cause him to struggle in the long term. Secondly, even during the biggest Christmas number one battle, he’s still not trended on Twitter.
Possibly it’s the song choice: though is the Climb much worse than It’s My Goal? Joe’s PR machine this week has also been wildly misjudged: the first day Cowell came out with a vicious attack on RATM (annoying people more), the next day he wheeled out Cheryl Cole. When that didn’t work, he made Alexandra say something. And then Joe announces that he has finally bothered to listen to his rival’s song and that he thinks it’s so bad that Rage Against The Machine wouldn’t have made it to bootcamp. Oh god.
Whilst I’m here, the X Factor weekly voting stats have been released again this year which makes me tragically happy. Apart from the hilarious jokes that you can make about different acts topping each other in various weeks, what it mainly reveals is that the British public is almost entirely mad. More to come on this later…
*I’ve tried to be objective in my comments on Joe this week, as a loving gesture to the Boyfriend (Joe McElderry caused two arguments between us this weekend. I hope you’re proud Joe).
**Popular consensus is that it’s easier for a boy to win these shows over girls, due to the theory that it’s mainly women that vote and that they tend to vote for male acts they fancy, whilst hating other successful women (I’m looking at you, Housemate Who Voted For Calvin On Strictly 15 times This Weekend). What’s interesting is that the four most successful winners of these shows – arguably Leona, Alexandra, Girls Aloud and Will Young - include just one man. And a gay one at that. Maybe this is a whole blog piece in itself?
X Factor The Final (Saturday’s show)
Dec 13th
Blog written under immense time pressure. I’m actually supposed to be celebrating Christmas Day today. Long story. (I’m realizing that my dream job of live blogging for the Guardian might be slightly stressful. However, I’m convinced I would thrive under such pressure, Guardian Editor. I am sure you’re part of my readership).
Will someone also tell The Boyfriend that saying comments like “you have to write it quickly today. And it better be good as this is the Final. This is the culmination of all your posts! Oh and the http://myfizzypop.blogspot.com/ blog is linking to yours and you have nothing there! So hurry up” don’t help one bit.*
“First Audition” Song:
In the battle of best Judges’ reaction, Dannii stormed Round 1. Excellent natural crying, Dannii; Cheryl, good attempt, but you teetered on the edge desperation; Simon, you couldn’t be bothered to emote.
So, Olly got full on slutty she-vampire choreography, including innovative wiggling across the floor underneath straddling she-vampires; Joe got a gospel choir whilst swirling fake clouds surrounded his feet; and Stacey got…a stool. Stacey’s legs have been identified as a key selling point so were on prominent display; Olly alienated me the moment he mimed “writing on the wall”; and Joe sang the perfect song for his target audience, 70 year old grannies. I have made a commitment to buy The Boyfriend every Joe album ever released in recognition of his support of Joe: I am confident this will be just the one purchase.
Did anyone else notice that when Cheryl said in the VT that Joe had star quality she looked down in shame?
I’m sure everyone was also moved by the frequent references to Olly’s hideous life before the X Factor. He was forced to work in an office! How shocking/unbearable.
Duets:
The duets are the most telling element of the final as they show who Ultimate Puppet MasterSimon would like to win. Who can forget the infamous occassion last year where Alexandra Burke got possibly the best duet ever** with Beyonce, poor JLS got Westlife and haven’t-got-a-chance Eggnog got Boyzone?
Stacey & Buble:
Buble is technically the least special of the three Celebrity Dueters: however, his album is selling bucket loads, so this was not as weak a choice as one might think. Stacey and Buble turned out to be a fantastic pairing: the voices sounded brilliant together and their flirty performance looked natural and classy. I loved it.
(But when Stacey spoke to introduce Buble it made me wish again that she had done at least one Kate Nash speaking/singing performance this season. This would have been truly relevant/authentic/believable!)
Joe and George Michael:
My favourite bit of this: George walks on and starts performing. Joe grins like a maniac. A verse and chorus passes and Joe awkwardly starts to realize that George might not let him sing again. Joe mouths along quietly. The smile drops:
Still, in the bits that Joe and George did get to sing together this was a vocal tour de force. He’d still make a rubbish winner though.
**A close rival to this is Take That and Leona below. This also includes the best ever post performance celebrity duet interview (a less niche category than you’d think), where Gary Barlow tells Simon that he better not give Leona the usual shit album he has for previous winners.
Best Song From The Series (am drastically running out of time. It’s nearly Christmas lunch).
Stacey:
Not as good vocally as first time round, but that first time was my favourite song sung all season. So we’ll let her off.
Olly:
Great performance. But why are we always pretending it’s the 1920s when Olly performs? And did Louis just call Olly sexy?
Joe:
Meh. And that despite him using the microphone as an emotional crutch, which is usually a safe bet for me.
Third Place:
No! An Olly/Joe show is a hideous prospect. Olly singing The Climb?! No.
In honour of Stacey, I post the direction I wish she’d taken:
*But thank you to The Lovely Boyfriend for creating this new website for me and for the commitment to provide ongoing technical support.
X Factor: Week 6 Live Show (Queen)
Nov 15th
This week we were introduced to a whole new word: apparently the show is no longer about “relevance” but all about “authenticity”. Which is ironic on many levels.
Thankfully Simon cleared up the confusion of last week, explaining that actually Sting was to blame for Lucie leaving. I was then reassured that Simon would never play with anyone’s lives or use tactics in any way and then felt warm because as a member of the public he implicitly trusts my opinions. Finally, I felt proud of the show for creating such credible stars as Susan Boyle (err, isn’t she from your other show, Simon?).
I got all excited when they showed the Queen video for “I Want To Break Free” and hoped that the X Factor would take their pioneering gender swapping songs one step further and cross-dress at least one act. Anyone else think Stacey dressed up like a cockney lad (a la Oliver) could be fascinating?.
Sideshow Bob (Jamie):
Sideshow Bob seemed less Broken Man this week. He clapped his hands a lot and went on the little bridge behind the judges, which did sort of cover up for starting wildly out of tune. Cheryl had insightful comments about his jeans being nice but his hair being not (which was about as insightful as her comments got all evening). I thought it was OK as he didn’t try and emote with his face, which is the thing that really riles me.
The Empty Space Zac Efron Leaves When He Exits A Room (Lloyd):
He doesn’t know who Queen is? GET OUT NOW.
Why does Brian Friedman always dress all the female backing dancers like slutty she-vampires? Does he hate women? Is this why Britney Spears is in the state she’s in? Lloyd zig-zagged through them as though they were traffic cones and he was attempting his first cycling proficiency course.
Not as out of tune as usual though (I’d say 4 out of every 5 notes were in tune), so progress.
Cheeky Chappy (Olly):
Cheeky Chappy was a tad disappointing: could his star quality be in the little finger that he broke? (Full points though for trying to punch Jedward: their twitchy movements would have made them an understandably hard target. If only it had been Danyl doing the punching however, and then the bullying storyline could’ve taken on a whole new level). All the judges apart from Dannii chose to forget that he sang pretty out of tune and that he took a massive gasp before the last big note (pet hate). The robot dancing half won me over, although it was hard to tell as I was watching it on my PC and his body was comprised of approximately 3 pixels.
He’ll stay as he’s much better vocally than this performance (and according to Louis he’s half Gary/half Robbie, which is a compelling mix. Sideshow Bob’s hair is sort of Howard, Lloyd could be pretty Mark and Danyl was a dance teacher and has a shaved head so could be Jason. And there we have Take That. Could they come back next year as a group?).
Gareth Gates (Joe):
The Boyfriend will be pleased to hear I liked him slightly more than usual this week. However, whilst he sang it very in tune again, Brian and Roger summed it up when they said it was “very nice”. “Someone To Love” is an aggressive, desperate song that should be sung with a bit of grit: Gareth did try and do a bit of this with the odd angry fist movement, but whereas the opening line is “Each morning I get up I die a little”, Joe’s face and tone said “Each morning is a bit rubbish sometimes”.
Twin Peaks (John & Edward):
Oh god, I think Jedward tried to do Broken Man this week with a bit of crying in the VT. Does the fact that we didn’t boo them mean we like them now? I thought it was a bit boring. Apparently this performance was “authentic”?
Stacey:
Even though she has a slight vocal wobble at the beginning, I forgive this as she did what Joe didn’t quite manage which was put emotion and aggression behind the song. By far the night’s most interesting performance: she’s finally showed us that she can let loose and go for it. And she got the golden rain behind her, which can only be a good sign.
Danyl:
You have to be some kind of evil genius to sing “We Are The Champions” when you’ve been accused of cockiness and sort of pull it off. The OTT attempts to make the songs lyrics into his X Factor journey diminished the song (“I’ve done my sentence/but committed no crime [..] I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face”) as did his VT dilemma of “just how cocky should I appear on stage this week?”. But, again, it was interesting. He needs to draw us in more: I still feel he’s trying to perform at me and do massive notes, not in response to the emotion of the song but rather to show me how good he is. Change this please Danyl and you’d be great.
Bottom Two:
Oh, it’s tough. Jedward and Jamie. Maybe Lloyd. (If I was an X Factor producer I would be praying that one of the rubbish acts (i.e. Jedward or Lloyd) go this week to maintain a semblance of credibility.
Mathematical Formula shockingly says Olly and Lloyd. That can’t be right. Can it?
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