Misheard Lyrics
Jul 18th
I recently did an impressive performance of Diana Vickers’ “Once” at Karaoke. It’s hard to repeat the word “Once” 45 times and not lose your audience, but I think I managed it. Literary Agent Flatmate was there too and was shocked to discover the lyric that leads into each chorus isn’t “I’m gonna get the b**tch who killed me / Once (x45)”, but is actually “I’m only gonna let you kill me / Once (x45)”. I truly wish Vickers had sung Literary Agent Flatmate’s lyric and thereby delivered the first ever pop song from the perspective of a dead person, seeking revenge.
Literary Agent Flatmate’s mistake got me thinking about the other misheard lyrics I’ve come across and how they can change a song’s meaning. Half a day later, I had a top 10 and a blog post. So here are my favourite for you; and please add your own in the comments.
1. Grease: “You’re The One That I Want”
9 years ago my friend Lucy rightly pointed out that the cast of Grease actually sing “you’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)” rather than this widely believed “you’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”. The pretentious ex-English Lit student part of me is convinced an amazing Lyricist put this in as a subversive comment on the depressing ending of Grease. Small hollow shells of puff pastry, after all, are a pretty good metaphor for the person Sandy has to become to make Danny like her.
Misheard: “You’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)”
Actual: “You’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”
2. Celine Dion: “My Heart Will Go On”
Misheard: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the hot dogs go on”
Actual: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on”
Any attempt to take Titanic seriously was ruined by the French & Saunders parody. The final nail in the coffin was The Boyfriend pointing out that Celine is actually singing about an impossibly long, omnipresent hot dog.
3. Lady Gaga: “Alejandro”
I think there might be something about me and food. Because my third mishearing is:
Misheard: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, no vindaloos”
Actual: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, nothing to lose”
Incidentally, is “hot like Mexico” the best ever simile in a song? Probably yes.
4. Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”
Misheard: “I can’t believe you kiss your [expletive too rude for this family friendly blog] at night”
Actual: “I can’t believe you kiss your car good night”
We used to be allowed the the radio on in class when I studied A Level Art back in the early noughties and every time this song came on the whole class would all sing, shouting out the misheard line. The misheard and actual phrases sound so similar the teacher never realised we were being rude, which was really hilarious. Once you have the first line in your head, you can never hear the real lyrics again. (Shania is right to express disbelief at either scenario).
5. Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”
Misheard: “You’re a regular Reginald, know it all”
Actual: “You’re a regular, original, know it all”
Another from Shania, this mistake was actually made by a karaoke machine and has now stuck. The karaoke machine was much more inventive than the original lyricist: what name better embodies the concept of a “know it all” than Reginald? Apologies to any Reginald’s in my Internet Following.
5. Janet Jackson: “When I Think Of You”
For years, I was convinced that Janet Jackson sung the words “baked bean” in “When I Think Of You”. I now admit that I was probably wrong.
Misheard: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), baked bean (so in love)”.
Actual: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), ba-by (so in love)”.
6. Des’ree: “Kissing You”
Is Des’ree’s Kissing You one of the greatest songs never released? Possibly yes. Even if it is lyrically incomprehensible. For years Literary Agent Flatmate believed the opening lyrics were:
Misheard: “While I can stand a thousand trials, Mr Wrong will never fall. The marching stars, without you my soul cries. Bleeding heart…”
Actual: “Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall. But watching stars without you, my soul cries. Heaving heart…”
Essentially, quite different songs.
7. Mariah Carey: “Without You”
Misheard: “No, I can’t forget the ceiling, or your face as you were leaving”
Actual: “No, I can’t forget this evening, or your face as you were leaving”
I always loved the idea that Mariah (even though she didn’t write it, and it’s a cover) was being really clever here and suggesting she’d spent all night unable to sleep, pondered her about-to-end relationship, and therefore had been staring at the ceiling for approximately 12 hours. For me that whole pre-story was summed up in those first six words. Never mind. A much ruder mishearing of this song is here.
8. Lady Gaga: “Bad Romance”
Misheard: “I want your psycho, your vertical stick. Want you tomorrow when no baby is sick.”
Actual: “I want your psycho, your vertigo stick. Want you in my rear window, baby you’re sick”
I had no idea what Gaga was on about here (although I suspected that “vertical stick” was a bad Mills & Boons-esque euphemism and I’d also constructed a small back story around Gaga’s love interest in Bad Romance being married; and his child was ill today so he had to cancel their rendezvous). In actuality, Gaga is being much cleverer than I could have imagined and referring to a range of Hitchcock movies: Psycho, Vertigo and Rear Window. I *actually* love her.
9. Take That: “Back For Good”
My housemate was convinced that Gary Barlow was singing “Wash your back” rather than “want you back” throughout this song. I also thought that Barlow sung: “we will never be uncommon again” when it’s actually “uncovered again”. Neither of these interpretations make any sense, but I’m at number nine and struggling a bit, so they will do nicely.
Misheard: “Want you back for good (wash your back, wash your back)”
Actual: “Want you back for good (want you back, want you back)”
10. Bowling For Soup: “Girl All The Bad Guys Want”
Misheard: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching West Wing”
Actual: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching Wrestling”
Suggested by one of my Twitter friends, I wish the song did actually refer to the popular American TV series, the West Wing. And that watching it was the epitome of cool. Excitingly, this is the first time the blog has ventured into the musical genre of pop-punk.
Fell free to share your own in the comments section! And visit this brilliant website for more.
The Difficult Second Album
Jun 27th
This is my big blogging comeback. Literary Agent Flatmate recently announced that my infrequent blogging makes me appear uncommitted to writing and therefore I am unlikely to be offered a significant £££ publishing deal. What about my existing back catalogue, I exclaim?! Not enough, apparently. And so I return.
Planning my comeback after a gap of three months, I now know exactly how famous musicians feel whilst writing the difficult second album. What do the public *want*, I ask, in a not dissimilar way to Gwen Stefani in her exciting self-referential song “What You Waiting For?”?. What currently is the most pressing issue in popular culture?
And then I suddenly realised: ah yes, the best way of determining this is to see what my fanbase are currently googling to find my blog!
I am both alarmed and intrigued by what people are googling to find my blog, but I feel the below list casts an illuminating light over what The People really, really want.
1. “Derren Brown’s boyfriend Mark”
The People are *obsessed* by Derren Brown’s boyfriend, who happens to be called Mark, and all 62 of them must have been very disappointed when they found my site because I once happened to mention Derren Brown’s boyfriend and I’m called Mark. The People’s obsession has led to me being slightly interested myself and therefore I invested ten minutes in a bit of googling. There is a disappointing lack of information on the interweb about Derren Brown’s boyfriend, Mark. I learn only that he is an interior designer. So I understand why the People are frustrated. Not even a picture.
2. “How do the duck and the hippo in the silent night advert make babies?”
I truly love all those who have, like me, also wondered about the Duck and Hippo’s unconventional relationship in the Silent Night Adverts. I have a vague recollection from Biology A Level that two different species can breed (i.e. a horse and a donkey, making a mule) but I imagine they have to be more genetically similar than a hippo and duck. Hope that helps.
Someone also asked: “is the hippo in the silent night advert married to the chick?”. To answer, it’s never been made clear, and there is no obvious wedding rings, but the assumption is yes. Either way, it’s weird and wrong.
3. “F**k I hate yoghurt adverts”
I hear you, I hear you. I also hear the person who asks google “what’s the plural of Petit Filous?”. I think the answer is, one petit filous is too infinitely small and pointless for the brain to comprehend and thereby technically they can only be seen in packs of six. Therefore, Petit Flious automatically refers to the plural. Hope that clears things up.
4. “What is Jason Orange doing right now?”
Why does my blog attract a small but worrying group of Jason Orange stalkers? What kind of internet site would tell you what Jason Orange is doing right now? Not mine, and I also can’t tell you what kind of women he’s into or where you can find naked photos of him.* But please do keep visiting the site.
5. “Can i just say I love how every northeaster ever knows Joe McElderry?”
Ha ha ha, of course you can. FYI, apparently there is a small statue to Joe McElderry in Edinburgh. I wonder if there’s also one of Michelle McManus in Glasgow? If so, I wonder if it is broken and deserted, just like Ozymandias? I’m really pleased by that reference, Literary Agent Flatmate
I can also answer the person who inquired “how much is Joe McElderry worth?”. The answer being, a George Michael-esque single that charts at no.2 and a similar fated album, followed by a successful stint in Joseph.
6. “Boyband Tied Up”.
Um, sometimes you lot freak me out a bit. And I’m not sure those googling this are actually interested in my blog post on how Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love” video symbolically depicts the disintegration of the archetypal Boyband video (which is where I mention the fact they are tied up).
7. “What is Lady Gaga’s blood group?”
Not a bloody clue. I also don’t know how she made her rib cage bleed at the MTV Music Awards. I guess I can sort of excuse the People’s curiosity about this, as Gaga has recently been touring with a blood fountain on stage. Some less disturbing Gaga googles have been “I hate pop but I love Gaga” (she’s great, isn’t she?), “Lady Gaga loves cats” (me too), “my boyfriend loves Lady Gaga” (good for him! Nothing to be alarmed about there) and “Lady Gaga the next big superstar” (I think you’ve missed the boat there).
8. “Build Me Up Buttercup Glee”
Why are you googling this? This could not happen, could it? The worst song of all time can’t appear in the best TV show of all time? Never! I would explode in confusion!
9. “I hate my birthday it’s so depressing“
I find this quite moving. Hope it wasn’t so rubbish this year. I feel the same way about New Year, FYI.
In fact, my blog seems to be a repository for people feeling a bit down. Over 1,000 people have googled “depressing songs” and found my post of the most depressing songs of all time. Which makes me feel a bit sad myself as my post on why I hate yoghurt adverts was much better.
10. “Suddenly the car was surrounded by what looked like giant bats”
Err, ok then, but I have no idea how my blog can help. Equally intriguing are “rubbing myself” (nice, but again how is my blog relevant?), “People who think they are cats” (I do think I’ve seen that Channel 5 documentary actually so have some thoughts on this) and “depressing party songs” (you should’ve come to our house party 3 years ago).
So there you go, my comeback. I feel quite invigorated by my return to blogging. And anyone who accuses me of rehashing my old material to create my “second album” is just wrong.
*Incidentally, I also don’t know what Shayne Ward’s favourite pastimes are. Sorry. At a guess, I’d say he probably likes a good night on the town but also enjoys the odd night in with some DVDs and a glass of wine.
The Archetypal Boyband Music Video
Jan 17th
My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy. This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.
Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:
1. The Christ-like Gesture:
This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.
Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):
Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?
2. Location:
The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” video below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change.
Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice fire escape in the background.
But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses a giant hot air balloon?
The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.
3. A mysterious female figure:
Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.
A special shout out must also be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video.
4. Water:
Ideally, the water is dripped on scantily clad Boyband members throughout the video. However, a sudden onrush of water can also be used to signal a dramatic moment in the song: for example, “Words” by Boyzone, where it unexpectedly starts raining inside a pub (strangely, no-one in pub seems that shocked). Take That’s “Back For Good” also uses rain nicely to show that the song is a sad one. However, the ultimate example must go to Take That’s “Pray”, which has water dripping all over the semi-naked Boyband members (who also obsessively make Christ-like gestures).
I’m sure there are more than four archetypes, so please do share any I’ve missed. I nearly included slow motion, the “i’m looking down but now I’m going to look up into the camera” look, and levitation almost got a whole slot of its own. JLS are also currently bringing back a concept that I hope will take off: the “mime the words you’re singing” with their brilliant “forever and a day for you” actions in “Everybody In Love”. I tried to screen grab this but they are too talented and do it too fast for me to capture.
I’ll leave you with the ultimate Boyband video: Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love”. Whilst the song is a bit rubbish, the video is important. I like to think that, as this song marks the death of the ultimate Boyband (it was their last single before they split), all the archetypes are in meltdown.
1. Firstly, the mysterious female has gone evil. Rather than being the passive object of admiration for the Boyband, she is now in control! She has abused this power and kidnapped them all.
2. She has placed them in an urban interior (basement/warehouse) but they are all tied up and therefore unable to perform Christ-like gestures.
3. Evil mysterious female now takes them to dramatic exterior landscape – a cliff top. Hooray, we are in safe Boyband territory again! Oh no we’re not, she’s going to throw them off it!
4. And what does she throw them off into: yes, that’s right, water! Water kills the Boyband! And not even the stormy, dramatic sea; no, instead a lake by a motorway.*
*That’s a frustrated ex-english lit. student for you.
10 Popular Culture Predictions for 2010
Jan 3rd
In a quiet point during a Sunday afternoon Come Dine With Me marathon, my (Highly Effective) Corporate Flatmate and I discussed predictions for our friends in 2010. Whilst those predictions probably would be of interest to my Internet Following (which is mostly comprised of these friends) I have decided instead to publish 10 popular culture predictions for 2010. The aim is that, when each of these come true, I will be heralded as the Voice of Popular Culture and quickly approached by the Guardian to live blog for them.
So here we go:
1. A Friends reunion film will be announced.
After the success of Sex And The City: The Movie, *surely* the cast will realize there’s money in a movie? Friends is still loved (just ask E4) and time is running out. (PS. I still get a point if there is a one-off TV special).
2. The current Sugababes (version 4) will implode.
Due to the lack of a coherent identity. Version 1 will rise from their ashes.
3. Dannii will leave the X Factor and be replaced by Robbie Williams/Victoria Beckham/Eminem.
There was definitely something of the “I know I’ll probably be fired next year so I’m going to be occasionally subversive” about Dannii Minogue on the X Factor this year.
4. Robbie and Take That will properly reform.
At least for a one off charity single.
5. Twitter will be replaced with an even more relevant social networking tool.
Well, Facebook was trumped this year by Twitter: what comes around goes around.
6. Peter and Katie will get back together. And then split up again.
There will be an ITV2 show documenting every step of this process.
7. A group will win the X Factor 2010.
X Factor has shown it can produce successful female winners (Leona, Alexandra) and that it usually doesn’t produce successful male winners (Steve, Leon, Shayne, Joe). Following JLS, 2010 is the year for the show to prove that a group can win. Just so something new happens.
8. Eternal will reform.
Surely it is their year? Who can not love a band that incorporated three plus key changes into one song?
9. The ginger haired one from Girls Aloud will become the new Kate Bush, against all expectations.
Her awkward self-consciousness is the most interesting thing about Girls Aloud videos (after seven years she still looks embarrassed to be a popstar). Just imagine the fascinating solo career.
10. Something truly shocking will happen on Big Brother.
As it’s the final show, the Producers will not give a monkeys and will engineer something *truly* shocking. I predict a “housemates have 1 minute to decide as a group which other housemate to eat” task. Or maybe “one of the housemates is actually a cat” shocker.
So there we go. Please do add your own predictions below.
In-between Christmas and New Year songs: an undiscovered music genre?
Dec 29th
I’m slightly worried. I recently admitted that most of the time I’m listening to my iPod I’m pretending to be in a music video, which I thought was widespread, normal behaviour. Apparently not.
For those unfamiliar with this pastime, the best location to try this is on trains, where looking a bit sad whilst staring out the window is the perfect accompaniment to many songs. Natalie Imbruglia in “Shiver” demonstrates the wistful look I aim for perfectly:
Also good is simple walking through faceless crowds – the underground is ideal – whilst again looking a bit sad or even angry, like Richard Ashcroft:
Possibilities are endless. You can have walking on a beach à la Chris Martin in “Yellow”:
Dramatic walking on a cliff top (Take That, “Patience”):
Even standing in crowded room (as Will Young showed us):
But all this is a distraction from the main reason for the blog post. Today it dawned on me (whilst on train, pretending to be in music video), that, as there are Christmas songs (i.e. “Driving Home For Christmas”), there should also be songs to mark the strange time in-between Christmas and New Year (i.e.“Getting The Train Back After Christmas”). Post-holiday truly is an undiscovered genre.
At least that’s what I thought. Until my Literary Agent Flatmate alerted me to another blog on this topic, which lists a few songs that fit this niche. (Seriously now, this was going to be my first highly innovative blog post and someone got in there first, just 3 days ago).
But I can add one more! Sugababes, “New Year”*. I was reminded of this song when Noddy Holder declared that it was his 37th favourite Christmas Song (“Don’t You Love Me Baby” by Human League was his 3rd though, so we’re not entirely convinced by his chart). A little known song, released when the Sugababes were still great, i.e. when they included Siobhan Donaghy. (Siobahn created officially the most underrated album of all time, Ghosts, which incidentally includes a song sung part backwards. Siobhan deserves a whole blog post of her own, so more on her in the future). For now, here is the underrated “New Year” : a song who’s title promises positivity, but it’s actually mostly about reflecting on the disappointment of the year just gone. I personally think the Sugababes’ bluesy harmonies perfectly sum up this time of year.
And another! Dina Carol’s “The Perfect Year” (remember her?) is set on New Year’s eve. She even says so in the song. I guess the hideous “Millennium Prayer” by Cliff also sort of fits. I’ve found one more: Barry Manilow’s cheery “It’s Just Another New Year’s Eve”.
However, I campaign for a major, relevant artist to release a song that defines that post Christmas pre New Year feeling, please, in the way that Mariah sums up Christmas in “All I Want For Christmas”. It’s a funny time of year, full of post Christmas melancholy and wistful reflection, plus a bit of hope. It would be massive.
And on that note, Happy New Year to all my wonderful Internet Following (i.e. housemates, The Boyfriend, Paul and a few other random people who google rude things about X Factor contestants). Here’s to 2010 and much blogging.
*OK, technically the Sugababes “New Year” could be said to be a Christmas song, as it talks about a “year ago at Christmas”. And they repeat the word Christmas a lot. But it’s set at 2:30am so I’d say it was Christmas evening, and therefore Boxing Day, alright? And it’s all about the the last/New Year really.
P.S. It seems I’m not alone after all! On trains Literary Agent Flatmate believes she is Gabrielle in “Out Of Reach”. As below.
X Factor Week 8 Results (Take That & Elton John)
Nov 29th
- “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing” (Scissor Sisters) was the group song and thank god they mimed all that falsetto. I think we all know that none of them (par in-tune Joe) could ever reach those notes. Danyl’s facial expressions were so large. It still wasn’t as bad as American Idol’s Group performance of “Can’t Get You Outta My Head” though. (It seems to not be on YouTube: Simon has wisely made it unavailable. But this seems to be the Chinese version of YouTube so don’t be scared by all the strange characters).
- Beforehand, I was so not bothered by Alicia Keys, but she can sing, can’t she? She also went up in my estimation by thinking it appropriate not to sing one of her songs, but instead do a medley of three. (I wonder if anyone thought it was just one innovative disjointed song? I did until the third song).
- Beforehand, I was so not bothered by Rhianna and inspired by myfizzypop I leave to cook chips half way through. How boring is that song for a first single from an album?
- Olly! Your reaction at getting through may just have lost you all your votes next week. Why do they never learn?
-And poor Lloyd *finally* goes. Cheryl’s comment “it’s amazing he got this far” is harsh but fair. Apparently his favourite performance was “Bleeding Love”. Let’s all revisit that shall we:
X Factor: Week 8 Live Show (Take That & Elton John)
Nov 29th
Take That & Elton John Week?* Why? Why not two artists who link in some way? Like Take That & Girls Aloud Week? Now that would be interesting/relevant/believable/credible/contemporary. Joe doing Love Machine, for example, would be fun. As would be Danyl singing “I’ve got to heat it up, Doctor, got to heat it up”, etc, etc.
Danyl:
1. Could It Be Magic:
Oh Danyl. Commenting on the group celebration of the charity single topping the charts by saying how great it would be to have a number 1 by yourself is *not* the way to shake off the arrogant image.
The slutty she vampires (aka the backing dancers) are growing in strength. They have multiplied in number in the past two weeks and spawned men. The two of them at the side seem to now have procured burning pitch forks, which I like to think is a metaphor for the public’s attitude towards Danyl.
He sang it quite well, bopped a bit, but it seemed tacky and overdone (Brian Friedman, I’m talking to you).
2. Your Song:
Whose idea was the child choir? Get out now. It has no relevance to the song. I’ll reluctantly accept a child choir when it means something to the song (brilliant example here 3 minutes in: who could forget Eternal’s apocalyptic warning of the social chaos we were descending into in 1997?), but I won’t accept it randomly in the middle of a love song, no matter how badly 10 year olds might want to sing on tele.
Despite that, quite good singing from Danyl here. However, screaming the first few lines of the song at your audience is one way of making it your own, but does make you look pretty arrogant. Again. Please someone coach this man.
He also only got a quarter of a halo light, therefore telling us that the Producers only want him to get as far as the quarter-final (compare this later to Stacey’s).
The Empty Space Zac Efron Leaves When He Exits A Room (Lloyd):
1. A Million Love Songs
The big question is: can the haircut keep him in the competition another week? Probably not, as this was flat virtually the whole way through.
2. I’m Still Standing:
The prop, Lloyd’s stick, came across as ever so slightly more interesting than its owner in this performance. I feel a bit harsh, as despite this, he’s sort of growing on me (why? why?). I think it’s in reaction to Joe. I keep saying I’d rather even Lloyd won than Joe, so I think that I’ve sort of started gunning for him now.
Cheeky Chappy (Olly):
1. Love Ain’t Here Anymore:
The VT explained that the crucial thing with this song is to convey genuine emotion. So yes, definitely the best way of doing this is by singing the song awkwardly to an audience member you’ve never met before.
The problem with Cheeky Chappy and ballads is that his voice isn’t quite strong enough. Danni was right, there was no sparkle (by this I mean emotion/energy, Simon, not literally that he should be grinning away as you seemed to interpret Danni’s comment. We all know that’s my pet hate).
2. Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting:
I really enjoyed this. The Brian Friedman production sort of worked, the she-vampires with signs actually worked, and he sang it in tune. My only beef was the awkward facial expressions Cheeky Chappy pulled when he had to sing the word Saturday seven times in a row. When Cheeky Chappy gets it right like this, I want him to win.
Joe:
1. Could It Be Magic:
2. Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word:
Stacey:
1. Rule The World
Look at the halo in this song:
It was OK and I liked her (now characteristic) belting out at the end, but she’s still too wobbly over the rest of the song. If she let go and gave a bit more passion, I’d forgive the wobbly notes: we need the odd feisty fist movement, a few Christ-like gestures and maybe the occasional falling to her knees with sheer emotion.**
However, if she just spoke on record (a bit like Kate Nash) I think I’d buy it.
2. Something About The Way You Looked Tonight
I disagree, Mr Cowell, I think this was much better vocally than her first song. And a rare occurrence: the style of the song matched well with the sexy, slinky sitting on the piano choreography.
Bottom One:
I predict Danyl. Which is sad.
Mathematical Formula says: Olly! Which would be a shock, as he should get rebound votes.
*Because Joe sang an Elton John song well last week, maybe, and the man in charge has decided he should win.
**It was pointless to change the lyrics: “If you stay with me girl boy/we could rule the world”. Boy doesn’t half-rhyme with girl and therefore doesn’t work.
X Factor: Week 6 Results (Queen)
Nov 15th
- Oh how perfect. Dannii was left with all the decision making power; she demonstrated that she’s a more credible judge than Simon; and yet this took it to deadlock, and the public whom Simon trusts implicitly decided his act should go. The viewers were placated and don’t hate the show anymore. There will be minimal public outrage. It’s almost like the Puppet Masters Producers scripted it.
- Oh no no no. The Group Song, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, was highly awkward. However, the Puppet Masters Producers ensured the final three lines were sung by the eventual three finalists, in the order they will finish: 3rd Stacey; 2nd Joe, 1st Olly.
- Was Shakira miming in English or Spanish? I did not understand a word. I know it was out about 10 years ago, but really wouldn’t everyone have preferred her singing “Wherever, Whenever”?
- The GOSH video was genuinely touching.
- In “You Are Not Alone” Jedward were allowed the great honour of singing the second half of the word “alone” (one syllable). Also, if you listen to the song without seeing who is singing, it is virtually impossible to tell which boy is singing, showing how indistinctive each of them will sound on the radio. Lovely Rikki was back though, which pleased me. Why did he go so early?
- Onto the sing-off, Lloyd started out of tune, got back in tune and then didn’t seem to notice that there had been a key change.
- Jamie’s choice “The Show Must Go On” had *layers* of irony. I know all the words to this song as we were made to sing this in school choir when I was 9. It’s only as I sing along as an adult that I realize how inappropriate it was to get 9 year olds to sing a song Freddie wrote about his impending death. We also sang “I dreamed a dream”, which again was wholly inappropriate (“He slept a summer by my side…”)
P.S. I’ve been mulling over the Take That Tribute Band idea and I think it’s got legs. See the beginnings below: I’ll need to bring back lovely Rikki to be Mark. And I still need a Jason: Danyl wasn’t right. But look at the creepy Robbie mixed with Gary I created below: it does look a bit like Olly.
X Factor: Week 6 Live Show (Queen)
Nov 15th
This week we were introduced to a whole new word: apparently the show is no longer about “relevance” but all about “authenticity”. Which is ironic on many levels.
Thankfully Simon cleared up the confusion of last week, explaining that actually Sting was to blame for Lucie leaving. I was then reassured that Simon would never play with anyone’s lives or use tactics in any way and then felt warm because as a member of the public he implicitly trusts my opinions. Finally, I felt proud of the show for creating such credible stars as Susan Boyle (err, isn’t she from your other show, Simon?).
I got all excited when they showed the Queen video for “I Want To Break Free” and hoped that the X Factor would take their pioneering gender swapping songs one step further and cross-dress at least one act. Anyone else think Stacey dressed up like a cockney lad (a la Oliver) could be fascinating?.
Sideshow Bob (Jamie):
Sideshow Bob seemed less Broken Man this week. He clapped his hands a lot and went on the little bridge behind the judges, which did sort of cover up for starting wildly out of tune. Cheryl had insightful comments about his jeans being nice but his hair being not (which was about as insightful as her comments got all evening). I thought it was OK as he didn’t try and emote with his face, which is the thing that really riles me.
The Empty Space Zac Efron Leaves When He Exits A Room (Lloyd):
He doesn’t know who Queen is? GET OUT NOW.
Why does Brian Friedman always dress all the female backing dancers like slutty she-vampires? Does he hate women? Is this why Britney Spears is in the state she’s in? Lloyd zig-zagged through them as though they were traffic cones and he was attempting his first cycling proficiency course.
Not as out of tune as usual though (I’d say 4 out of every 5 notes were in tune), so progress.
Cheeky Chappy (Olly):
Cheeky Chappy was a tad disappointing: could his star quality be in the little finger that he broke? (Full points though for trying to punch Jedward: their twitchy movements would have made them an understandably hard target. If only it had been Danyl doing the punching however, and then the bullying storyline could’ve taken on a whole new level). All the judges apart from Dannii chose to forget that he sang pretty out of tune and that he took a massive gasp before the last big note (pet hate). The robot dancing half won me over, although it was hard to tell as I was watching it on my PC and his body was comprised of approximately 3 pixels.
He’ll stay as he’s much better vocally than this performance (and according to Louis he’s half Gary/half Robbie, which is a compelling mix. Sideshow Bob’s hair is sort of Howard, Lloyd could be pretty Mark and Danyl was a dance teacher and has a shaved head so could be Jason. And there we have Take That. Could they come back next year as a group?).
Gareth Gates (Joe):
The Boyfriend will be pleased to hear I liked him slightly more than usual this week. However, whilst he sang it very in tune again, Brian and Roger summed it up when they said it was “very nice”. “Someone To Love” is an aggressive, desperate song that should be sung with a bit of grit: Gareth did try and do a bit of this with the odd angry fist movement, but whereas the opening line is “Each morning I get up I die a little”, Joe’s face and tone said “Each morning is a bit rubbish sometimes”.
Twin Peaks (John & Edward):
Oh god, I think Jedward tried to do Broken Man this week with a bit of crying in the VT. Does the fact that we didn’t boo them mean we like them now? I thought it was a bit boring. Apparently this performance was “authentic”?
Stacey:
Even though she has a slight vocal wobble at the beginning, I forgive this as she did what Joe didn’t quite manage which was put emotion and aggression behind the song. By far the night’s most interesting performance: she’s finally showed us that she can let loose and go for it. And she got the golden rain behind her, which can only be a good sign.
Danyl:
You have to be some kind of evil genius to sing “We Are The Champions” when you’ve been accused of cockiness and sort of pull it off. The OTT attempts to make the songs lyrics into his X Factor journey diminished the song (“I’ve done my sentence/but committed no crime [..] I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face”) as did his VT dilemma of “just how cocky should I appear on stage this week?”. But, again, it was interesting. He needs to draw us in more: I still feel he’s trying to perform at me and do massive notes, not in response to the emotion of the song but rather to show me how good he is. Change this please Danyl and you’d be great.
Bottom Two:
Oh, it’s tough. Jedward and Jamie. Maybe Lloyd. (If I was an X Factor producer I would be praying that one of the rubbish acts (i.e. Jedward or Lloyd) go this week to maintain a semblance of credibility.
Mathematical Formula shockingly says Olly and Lloyd. That can’t be right. Can it?
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