This week we were introduced to a whole new word: apparently the show is no longer about “relevance” but all about “authenticity”. Which is ironic on many levels.

Thankfully Simon cleared up the confusion of last week, explaining that actually Sting was to blame for Lucie leaving. I was then reassured that Simon would never play with anyone’s lives or use tactics in any way and then felt warm because as a member of the public he implicitly trusts my opinions. Finally, I felt proud of the show for creating such credible stars as Susan Boyle (err, isn’t she from your other show, Simon?).

I got all excited when they showed the Queen video for “I Want To Break Free” and hoped that the X Factor would take their pioneering gender swapping songs one step further and cross-dress at least one act. Anyone else think Stacey dressed up like a cockney lad (a la Oliver) could be fascinating?. 

Sideshow Bob (Jamie):

Sideshow Bob seemed less Broken Man this week. He clapped his hands a lot and went on the little bridge behind the judges, which did sort of cover up for starting wildly out of tune. Cheryl had insightful comments about his jeans being nice but his hair being not (which was about as insightful as her comments got all evening). I thought it was OK as he didn’t try and emote with his face, which is the thing that really riles me.

The Empty Space Zac Efron Leaves When He Exits A Room (Lloyd):

He doesn’t know who Queen is? GET OUT NOW.

Why does Brian Friedman always dress all the female backing dancers like slutty she-vampires? Does he hate women? Is this why Britney Spears is in the state she’s in? Lloyd zig-zagged through them as though they were traffic cones and he was attempting his first cycling proficiency course.

Not as out of tune as usual though (I’d say 4 out of every 5 notes were in tune), so progress.

Cheeky Chappy (Olly):

Cheeky Chappy was a tad disappointing: could his star quality be in the little finger that he broke? (Full points though for trying to punch Jedward: their twitchy movements would have made them an understandably hard target. If only it had been Danyl doing the punching however, and then the bullying storyline could’ve taken on a whole new level). All the judges apart from Dannii chose to forget that he sang pretty out of tune and that he took a massive gasp before the last big note (pet hate). The robot dancing half won me over, although it was hard to tell as I was watching it on my PC and his body was comprised of approximately 3 pixels.

He’ll stay as he’s much better vocally than this performance (and according to Louis he’s half Gary/half Robbie, which is a compelling mix. Sideshow Bob’s hair is sort of Howard, Lloyd could be pretty Mark and Danyl was a dance teacher and has a shaved head so could be Jason. And there we have Take That. Could they come back next year as a group?).

Gareth Gates (Joe):

The Boyfriend will be pleased to hear I liked him slightly more than usual this week.  However, whilst he sang it very in tune again, Brian and Roger summed it up when they said it was “very nice”. “Someone To Love” is an aggressive, desperate song that should be sung with a bit of grit: Gareth did try and do a bit of this with the odd angry fist movement, but whereas the opening line is “Each morning I get up I die a little”, Joe’s face and tone said “Each morning is a bit rubbish sometimes”.

Twin Peaks (John & Edward):

Oh god, I think Jedward tried to do Broken Man this week with a bit of crying in the VT. Does the fact that we didn’t boo them mean we like them now? I thought it was a bit boring. Apparently this performance was “authentic”?

Stacey:

Even though she has a slight vocal wobble at the beginning, I forgive this as she did what Joe didn’t quite manage which was put emotion and aggression behind the song. By far the night’s most interesting performance: she’s finally showed us that she can let loose and go for it. And she got the golden rain behind her, which can only be a good sign.

Danyl:

You have to be some kind of evil genius to sing “We Are The Champions” when you’ve been accused of cockiness and sort of pull it off. The OTT attempts to make the songs lyrics into his X Factor journey diminished the song (“I’ve done my sentence/but committed no crime [..] I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face”) as did his VT dilemma of “just how cocky should I appear on stage this week?”. But, again, it was interesting. He needs to draw us in more: I still feel he’s trying to perform at me and do massive notes, not in response to the emotion of the song but rather to show me how good he is. Change this please Danyl and you’d be great.

Bottom Two:

Oh, it’s tough. Jedward and Jamie. Maybe Lloyd. (If I was an X Factor producer I would be praying that one of the rubbish acts (i.e. Jedward or Lloyd) go this week to maintain a semblance of credibility.

Mathematical Formula shockingly says Olly and Lloyd. That can’t be right. Can it?