The Archetypal Boyband Music Video
Jan 17th
My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy. This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.
Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:
1. The Christ-like Gesture:
This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.
Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):
Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?
2. Location:
The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” video below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change.
Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice fire escape in the background.
But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses a giant hot air balloon?
The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.
3. A mysterious female figure:
Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.
A special shout out must also be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video.
4. Water:
Ideally, the water is dripped on scantily clad Boyband members throughout the video. However, a sudden onrush of water can also be used to signal a dramatic moment in the song: for example, “Words” by Boyzone, where it unexpectedly starts raining inside a pub (strangely, no-one in pub seems that shocked). Take That’s “Back For Good” also uses rain nicely to show that the song is a sad one. However, the ultimate example must go to Take That’s “Pray”, which has water dripping all over the semi-naked Boyband members (who also obsessively make Christ-like gestures).
I’m sure there are more than four archetypes, so please do share any I’ve missed. I nearly included slow motion, the “i’m looking down but now I’m going to look up into the camera” look, and levitation almost got a whole slot of its own. JLS are also currently bringing back a concept that I hope will take off: the “mime the words you’re singing” with their brilliant “forever and a day for you” actions in “Everybody In Love”. I tried to screen grab this but they are too talented and do it too fast for me to capture.
I’ll leave you with the ultimate Boyband video: Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love”. Whilst the song is a bit rubbish, the video is important. I like to think that, as this song marks the death of the ultimate Boyband (it was their last single before they split), all the archetypes are in meltdown.
1. Firstly, the mysterious female has gone evil. Rather than being the passive object of admiration for the Boyband, she is now in control! She has abused this power and kidnapped them all.
2. She has placed them in an urban interior (basement/warehouse) but they are all tied up and therefore unable to perform Christ-like gestures.
3. Evil mysterious female now takes them to dramatic exterior landscape – a cliff top. Hooray, we are in safe Boyband territory again! Oh no we’re not, she’s going to throw them off it!
4. And what does she throw them off into: yes, that’s right, water! Water kills the Boyband! And not even the stormy, dramatic sea; no, instead a lake by a motorway.*
*That’s a frustrated ex-english lit. student for you.
X Factor: Week 9 Live Show (Michael Jackson & Judge’s Choice)
Dec 5th
Can I begin with some Cheryl Cole rage? Last year she was the star of the series, demonstrating honest but fair criticism with down to earth North Eastern likeability. This year she is still yet to say ANYTHING OF INTEREST.* She now no longer comments on singing ability, a performance, its relevance/believability, but instead the three most insightful things she’s said are “I couldn’t be prouder of you”, “you’re my little geordie popstar”, “I know how badly you want to be in the final”. It’s like she can’t be bothered to voice an opinion. Which is a shame. I say replace her with the awkward and amazing ginger haired one from Girls Aloud next year please.
Can I also just say how good every channel’s Christmas TV musical montage adverts are this year?
Cheeky Chappy:
1. Can You Feel It?
The odds of Olly going are 1:1. That’s not good is it? Do you get a pound back plus your pound, or just your pound back?
Despite that, I half liked it. The other half of me thought the performance seemed dated, with the dancers helpfully showing the colours of the rainbow that all-in-white Olly sang about; suddenly it all seemed a bit like a performance from a children’s TV show.
2. A song I’d never heard before but was actually quite catchy:
Now, I really liked this. Apart from the fit/dancing. Simon Cowell definitely told each act they had one special thing and that they should do it more frantically than ever before this week (see later Stacey’s big notes, Danyl’s performance fist gestures, and Joe’s very in tune-ness).
Olly has the energy Stacey lacks and the likeability Danyl doesn’t. He’s my favourite and of course he’s also the most likely to go.
Joe:
1. She’s Out Of My Life:
This was perhaps the most boring three minutes of my life. OK, that may be an exaggeration and he was more in tune than ever before. And yet still so boring. Somehow the emoting was more musical theatre than even the Lion King song was. And Louis “if that was on the radio you’d sell millions” – what a load of rubbish. A. That would never be on the radio. And B. it would sell about 3 copies after the fuss of the show’s died down.
Simon has decided he should win. I genuinely don’t know why Simon thinks Joe is marketable beyond his first single. I wait to be proved wrong. The Boyfriend did point out something of note, though: Joe’s the only contestant that doesn’t trend on Twitter. Which says a lot about his voters.
2. Open Arms:
Stacey:
1. The Way You Make Me Feel:
Stacey does the best VTs. When I set up my coaching business to teach reality TV contestants how to perfect the VT (plus post performance interview and reaction when getting through) I will use Stacey’s VTs as the archetypal example (along with this).
The performance was OK, interesting and understated. I liked the hat (BRING BACK RIKKI!) but she hid behind it, like a friend I had who used to hide behind her hair. I’m constantly waiting for her to let loose and maybe do a Christ-like gesture, like all good popstars do. (I think that when I write my overarching narrative there will be a whole blog post on Christ-like gestures in pop music, the most extreme example being this).
2. Somewhere:
The rumour was that Stacey was going to sing “You’ve Got The Love”, which would have been brilliant (not to mention bloody relevant/contemporary and probably believable). Whilst she didn’t fully convey the emotion of the song in her slightly blank facial expressions, those belting notes were amazing and powerful and will put her into the final.
I think tonight Stacey might have been modelled on someone else:
But whilst Stacey was good, when you watch this amazingness from last year you realize what a great Reality TV performance really is.
(I’ve learnt to be humble!) Danyl:
1. Man In The Mirror:
This song was Diana’s Vickers peak last year, where she was super innovative and performed with her back to the audience:
Back to Danyl and, apart from his typical overly aggressive performance, this was spot on. And also apart from the, ahem, climate change slide show. Trying to make Danyl seem nice by linking him to social cause is a step too far. Do I hope the papers will twist it and show how Danyl is somehow part responsible for killing polar bears? Maybe a little. And how badly did I want him to drop the microphone when he did this? So much it hurt.
2. I Have Nothing:
His hideous attempt to cry in his VT will be used in my School of Reality TV as perhaps the ultimate what to not do.
After that, it was hard to take any of it seriously. And the song was not good. He can sometimes sound unpleasantly nasal on the big notes. And it was boring.
Bottom 1:
Despite the odds, I say Danyl.
Mathematical formula says Olly. By miles.
*Ok, she said something interesting the week she said she “didn’t get” Danyl. That was good.
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