Stranded in Japan: Day 5
Apr 21st
Day five and we spend our days plotting the downfall of Marcel, the rude call centre worker at All Nippon Airways. We try to think of possible karmic scenarios where Marcel could end up stranded in a foreign country, with no money, and then need to call us for help (ha ha!). In other news, today someone clever decided to blast instrumental versions of Mariah Carey songs to us via a PA system throughout the streets of the airport town. I was moved by an instrumental version of “Music Box” and felt that the clever person chose it because of its relevant lyrics: “your love breaks away the clouds surrounding me”. I wonder how I can find the clever person and petition them to play “Bad Romance”.
The Boyfriend has taken to singing Michael Buble “Home”.
During my three weeks in Japan, I have also become obsessed with an amazing invention called Royal Milk Tea. This tastes like english breakfast tea but with a bit of cream in it and maybe fruit. Somehow all these flavours are produced from just a powder (with no milk needed!). Today, the airport town ran out of Royal Milk Tea. I am in crisis.
X Factor The Final (Saturday’s show)
Dec 13th
Blog written under immense time pressure. I’m actually supposed to be celebrating Christmas Day today. Long story. (I’m realizing that my dream job of live blogging for the Guardian might be slightly stressful. However, I’m convinced I would thrive under such pressure, Guardian Editor. I am sure you’re part of my readership).
Will someone also tell The Boyfriend that saying comments like “you have to write it quickly today. And it better be good as this is the Final. This is the culmination of all your posts! Oh and the http://myfizzypop.blogspot.com/ blog is linking to yours and you have nothing there! So hurry up” don’t help one bit.*
“First Audition” Song:
In the battle of best Judges’ reaction, Dannii stormed Round 1. Excellent natural crying, Dannii; Cheryl, good attempt, but you teetered on the edge desperation; Simon, you couldn’t be bothered to emote.
So, Olly got full on slutty she-vampire choreography, including innovative wiggling across the floor underneath straddling she-vampires; Joe got a gospel choir whilst swirling fake clouds surrounded his feet; and Stacey got…a stool. Stacey’s legs have been identified as a key selling point so were on prominent display; Olly alienated me the moment he mimed “writing on the wall”; and Joe sang the perfect song for his target audience, 70 year old grannies. I have made a commitment to buy The Boyfriend every Joe album ever released in recognition of his support of Joe: I am confident this will be just the one purchase.
Did anyone else notice that when Cheryl said in the VT that Joe had star quality she looked down in shame?
I’m sure everyone was also moved by the frequent references to Olly’s hideous life before the X Factor. He was forced to work in an office! How shocking/unbearable.
Duets:
The duets are the most telling element of the final as they show who Ultimate Puppet MasterSimon would like to win. Who can forget the infamous occassion last year where Alexandra Burke got possibly the best duet ever** with Beyonce, poor JLS got Westlife and haven’t-got-a-chance Eggnog got Boyzone?
Stacey & Buble:
Buble is technically the least special of the three Celebrity Dueters: however, his album is selling bucket loads, so this was not as weak a choice as one might think. Stacey and Buble turned out to be a fantastic pairing: the voices sounded brilliant together and their flirty performance looked natural and classy. I loved it.
(But when Stacey spoke to introduce Buble it made me wish again that she had done at least one Kate Nash speaking/singing performance this season. This would have been truly relevant/authentic/believable!)
Joe and George Michael:
My favourite bit of this: George walks on and starts performing. Joe grins like a maniac. A verse and chorus passes and Joe awkwardly starts to realize that George might not let him sing again. Joe mouths along quietly. The smile drops:
Still, in the bits that Joe and George did get to sing together this was a vocal tour de force. He’d still make a rubbish winner though.
**A close rival to this is Take That and Leona below. This also includes the best ever post performance celebrity duet interview (a less niche category than you’d think), where Gary Barlow tells Simon that he better not give Leona the usual shit album he has for previous winners.
Best Song From The Series (am drastically running out of time. It’s nearly Christmas lunch).
Stacey:
Not as good vocally as first time round, but that first time was my favourite song sung all season. So we’ll let her off.
Olly:
Great performance. But why are we always pretending it’s the 1920s when Olly performs? And did Louis just call Olly sexy?
Joe:
Meh. And that despite him using the microphone as an emotional crutch, which is usually a safe bet for me.
Third Place:
No! An Olly/Joe show is a hideous prospect. Olly singing The Climb?! No.
In honour of Stacey, I post the direction I wish she’d taken:
*But thank you to The Lovely Boyfriend for creating this new website for me and for the commitment to provide ongoing technical support.
X Factor: Week 3 Results (Big Band)
Oct 25th
Again, I must moderate my many opinions into a bullet point list:
- I was embarrassed for each and every one of them during the group performance. Brian Friedman is either an evil post modern genius or a bit of an idiot (I think we all know which).
- Westlife’s song was chaos. Without a key change, we had no idea when the song was reaching a climax. And they were accidentally positioned too close together and were therefore unable to do any Christ-like gestures. This meant no emotion could be conveyed. Green lasers flashed across the screen in no relationship to the song.
- I love Michael Buble. Take note, Simon: he “acted” his way through this performance, like Lucie did. This makes for an exciting performance.
- My mum knows Dermot O’Leary’s dad, which makes me feel like I am related to him. I have also met Dermot, but he unfortunately thinks I’m called Nicky.
- Big shocker for the bottom two. But, with hindsight, Danyl alienates his audience. His performances are entirely one way: he doesn’t engage with the audience, but shoves himself upon it. I dislike him, but he interests me as a performer, so I’m glad he didn’t go this early. Even though I do want him to go before the final, as apparently he made Stacey cry. http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/xfactor/news/a183552/x-factor-danyl-makes-stacey-cry.html
- Sugababes Part II, whilst never going to win it, shouldn’t have gone so early. I thought Mutya might punch someone at the end (and rightly so).
- All in all, this week has made me resolute that Lucie must win, partly to annoy Simon and partly to carry on the memory of Sarah in Hollyoaks (and partly because she’s the best)
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