My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy. This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.

Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:

1. The Christ-like Gesture:

This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.

Mark Owen Christ-like gesture

Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):

howard christ like Jason christ like Westlife christ like2

Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?

Westlife christ like

2. Location:

The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” video below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change.

westlife snow

Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice fire escape in the background.

image jls

But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses a giant hot air balloon?

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The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.

take that

3. A mysterious female figure:

Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.

mysterious woman 4 mysterious woman mysterious woman 2 mysterious woman 3

A special shout out must also be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video.

4. Water:

Ideally, the water is dripped on scantily clad Boyband members throughout the video. However, a sudden onrush of water can also be used to signal a dramatic moment in the song: for example, “Words” by Boyzone, where it unexpectedly starts raining inside a pub (strangely, no-one in pub seems that shocked). Take That’s “Back For Good” also uses rain nicely to show that the song is a sad one. However, the ultimate example must go to Take That’s “Pray”, which has water dripping all over the semi-naked Boyband members (who also obsessively make Christ-like gestures).

I’m sure there are more than four archetypes, so please do share any I’ve missed. I nearly included slow motion, the “i’m looking down but now I’m going to look up into the camera” look, and levitation almost got a whole slot of its own. JLS are also currently bringing back a concept that I hope will take off: the “mime the words you’re singing” with their brilliant “forever and a day for you” actions in “Everybody In Love”. I tried to screen grab this but they are too talented and do it too fast for me to capture.

I’ll leave you with the ultimate Boyband video: Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love”. Whilst the song is a bit rubbish, the video is important.  I like to think that, as this song marks the death of the ultimate Boyband (it was their last single before they split), all the archetypes are in meltdown.

1. Firstly, the mysterious female has gone evil. Rather than being the passive object of admiration for the Boyband, she is now in control! She has abused this power and kidnapped them all.

take that2

2. She has placed them in an urban interior (basement/warehouse) but they are all tied up and therefore unable to perform Christ-like gestures.

that that tied

3. Evil mysterious female now takes them to dramatic exterior landscape – a cliff top. Hooray, we are in safe Boyband territory again! Oh no we’re not, she’s going to throw them off it!

take that cliff

4. And what does she throw them off into: yes, that’s right, water! Water kills the Boyband! And not even the stormy, dramatic sea; no, instead a lake by a motorway.*

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*That’s a frustrated ex-english lit. student for you.