Misheard Lyrics
Jul 18th
I recently did an impressive performance of Diana Vickers’ “Once” at Karaoke. It’s hard to repeat the word “Once” 45 times and not lose your audience, but I think I managed it. Literary Agent Flatmate was there too and was shocked to discover the lyric that leads into each chorus isn’t “I’m gonna get the b**tch who killed me / Once (x45)”, but is actually “I’m only gonna let you kill me / Once (x45)”. I truly wish Vickers had sung Literary Agent Flatmate’s lyric and thereby delivered the first ever pop song from the perspective of a dead person, seeking revenge.
Literary Agent Flatmate’s mistake got me thinking about the other misheard lyrics I’ve come across and how they can change a song’s meaning. Half a day later, I had a top 10 and a blog post. So here are my favourite for you; and please add your own in the comments.
1. Grease: “You’re The One That I Want”
9 years ago my friend Lucy rightly pointed out that the cast of Grease actually sing “you’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)” rather than this widely believed “you’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”. The pretentious ex-English Lit student part of me is convinced an amazing Lyricist put this in as a subversive comment on the depressing ending of Grease. Small hollow shells of puff pastry, after all, are a pretty good metaphor for the person Sandy has to become to make Danny like her.
Misheard: “You’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)”
Actual: “You’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”
2. Celine Dion: “My Heart Will Go On”
Misheard: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the hot dogs go on”
Actual: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on”
Any attempt to take Titanic seriously was ruined by the French & Saunders parody. The final nail in the coffin was The Boyfriend pointing out that Celine is actually singing about an impossibly long, omnipresent hot dog.
3. Lady Gaga: “Alejandro”
I think there might be something about me and food. Because my third mishearing is:
Misheard: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, no vindaloos”
Actual: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, nothing to lose”
Incidentally, is “hot like Mexico” the best ever simile in a song? Probably yes.
4. Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”
Misheard: “I can’t believe you kiss your [expletive too rude for this family friendly blog] at night”
Actual: “I can’t believe you kiss your car good night”
We used to be allowed the the radio on in class when I studied A Level Art back in the early noughties and every time this song came on the whole class would all sing, shouting out the misheard line. The misheard and actual phrases sound so similar the teacher never realised we were being rude, which was really hilarious. Once you have the first line in your head, you can never hear the real lyrics again. (Shania is right to express disbelief at either scenario).
5. Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”
Misheard: “You’re a regular Reginald, know it all”
Actual: “You’re a regular, original, know it all”
Another from Shania, this mistake was actually made by a karaoke machine and has now stuck. The karaoke machine was much more inventive than the original lyricist: what name better embodies the concept of a “know it all” than Reginald? Apologies to any Reginald’s in my Internet Following.
5. Janet Jackson: “When I Think Of You”
For years, I was convinced that Janet Jackson sung the words “baked bean” in “When I Think Of You”. I now admit that I was probably wrong.
Misheard: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), baked bean (so in love)”.
Actual: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), ba-by (so in love)”.
6. Des’ree: “Kissing You”
Is Des’ree’s Kissing You one of the greatest songs never released? Possibly yes. Even if it is lyrically incomprehensible. For years Literary Agent Flatmate believed the opening lyrics were:
Misheard: “While I can stand a thousand trials, Mr Wrong will never fall. The marching stars, without you my soul cries. Bleeding heart…”
Actual: “Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall. But watching stars without you, my soul cries. Heaving heart…”
Essentially, quite different songs.
7. Mariah Carey: “Without You”
Misheard: “No, I can’t forget the ceiling, or your face as you were leaving”
Actual: “No, I can’t forget this evening, or your face as you were leaving”
I always loved the idea that Mariah (even though she didn’t write it, and it’s a cover) was being really clever here and suggesting she’d spent all night unable to sleep, pondered her about-to-end relationship, and therefore had been staring at the ceiling for approximately 12 hours. For me that whole pre-story was summed up in those first six words. Never mind. A much ruder mishearing of this song is here.
8. Lady Gaga: “Bad Romance”
Misheard: “I want your psycho, your vertical stick. Want you tomorrow when no baby is sick.”
Actual: “I want your psycho, your vertigo stick. Want you in my rear window, baby you’re sick”
I had no idea what Gaga was on about here (although I suspected that “vertical stick” was a bad Mills & Boons-esque euphemism and I’d also constructed a small back story around Gaga’s love interest in Bad Romance being married; and his child was ill today so he had to cancel their rendezvous). In actuality, Gaga is being much cleverer than I could have imagined and referring to a range of Hitchcock movies: Psycho, Vertigo and Rear Window. I *actually* love her.
9. Take That: “Back For Good”
My housemate was convinced that Gary Barlow was singing “Wash your back” rather than “want you back” throughout this song. I also thought that Barlow sung: “we will never be uncommon again” when it’s actually “uncovered again”. Neither of these interpretations make any sense, but I’m at number nine and struggling a bit, so they will do nicely.
Misheard: “Want you back for good (wash your back, wash your back)”
Actual: “Want you back for good (want you back, want you back)”
10. Bowling For Soup: “Girl All The Bad Guys Want”
Misheard: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching West Wing”
Actual: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching Wrestling”
Suggested by one of my Twitter friends, I wish the song did actually refer to the popular American TV series, the West Wing. And that watching it was the epitome of cool. Excitingly, this is the first time the blog has ventured into the musical genre of pop-punk.
Fell free to share your own in the comments section! And visit this brilliant website for more.
Stranded in Japan: Day 5
Apr 21st
Day five and we spend our days plotting the downfall of Marcel, the rude call centre worker at All Nippon Airways. We try to think of possible karmic scenarios where Marcel could end up stranded in a foreign country, with no money, and then need to call us for help (ha ha!). In other news, today someone clever decided to blast instrumental versions of Mariah Carey songs to us via a PA system throughout the streets of the airport town. I was moved by an instrumental version of “Music Box” and felt that the clever person chose it because of its relevant lyrics: “your love breaks away the clouds surrounding me”. I wonder how I can find the clever person and petition them to play “Bad Romance”.
The Boyfriend has taken to singing Michael Buble “Home”.
During my three weeks in Japan, I have also become obsessed with an amazing invention called Royal Milk Tea. This tastes like english breakfast tea but with a bit of cream in it and maybe fruit. Somehow all these flavours are produced from just a powder (with no milk needed!). Today, the airport town ran out of Royal Milk Tea. I am in crisis.
What is the most depressing song of all time?
Jan 31st
It’s my birthday next week* and I am doing karaoke. I have been mulling over my song choices. I’m currently considering “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (I don’t care it’s out of season). I’m also keen on “Bleeding Love”, but my friends are trying to steer me away, fearing it is ambitious. I’m choosing carefully as in the past I have been known to unintentionally pick songs that kill dead the mood of the private karaoke box. Which brings me nicely onto this week’s blog post.
My iPod has gained a bit of a reputation amongst my friends as being bloody depressing. My ill-fated “house party playlist” showed me that songs I think are uplifting floor fillers are to others more sit-down-and-ponder-existential-suffering. Note: Karma Police by Radiohead does not get the party started.
So, scrolling through my iPod, I decided to create a cheerful blog post about the most depressing songs of all time. There have been many lists before that contain the usual suspects (Gary Jules “Mad World”, The Verve “The Drugs Don’t Work””, REM “Everybody Hurts”) so I’ve gone for an alternative list. I’ve even divided them into nice categories for your convenience. Please do contribute your own suggestions and thoughts in the comments below.
Just plain depressing (but good):
Sia – “Breathe Me”
You probably wont know this song but might recognize the instrumental that starts at 4:27, which is used in any emotional TV musical montage worth watching, along with the instrumental in Desree’s “Kissing You”. It was used as the finale song in the brilliant “Six Feet Under”, which is worthy of a hundred blog posts in itself. If you haven’t seen the final episode then skip on, but this song accompanies perhaps the best six minutes ever shown on TV. In these last minutes we see the future death of each character, who you have got to know over six seasons. Alan Ball is so clever he even manages to make everything six. Brilliant TV and a fitting song. I blubbed for approximately 24 hours after watching. Proper ugly blubbing, like Alexandra Burke when she won X Factor.
Arcade Fire – “Cold Wind”
Another song discovered through the “Six Feet Under” soundtrack: this one’s used to accompany the disappearance of the main character’s wife who vanishes one day. The song itself is about a man disappearing and by the time the funereal organ starts and the background singers start chanting “dead, dead, dead” (some say it’s “hey, hey, hey”, but I’m sure it’s not) it has got bloody depressing. But great.
Songs That Try To Be Depressing But Actually Are Just Funny
Eternal – “Don’t You Love Me”
Who could forget Eternal’s apocalyptic vision of the social chaos the world was descending into in 1997? Eternal went all “let’s put social messaging in our songs” with potent lyrical content like “why does granny have to walk the streets?” and “child goes to the store for a loaf of bread/bullets flying all around his head”. The child choir is the icing on the cake.
Mel C – “If That Were Me”
Mel C’s enlightened song about homelessness. It contains the lyric “I couldn’t live without my phone/But you don’t even have a home”. Possibly. The. Worst. Lyric. Ever.
Songs That No-One Else Finds Depressing But I Do:
The Foundations – “Build Me Up Buttercup”
I fully acknowledge that it is probably only me that finds this song soul achingly depressing. But I maintain that it is (in exclusively bad ways). There’s something about “Build Me Up Buttercup” that sums up every rubbish night out I had at university spent in a club I didn’t really want to be in, dancing to rubbish music with groups of people alternating between inappropriately snogging each other and crying. Those introductory bars are enough to make me shudder. Argh! This gets no video.
Sugababes – “About You Now”
An uplifting pop song (and the Sugababes’ best moment without Siobhan), this song was transformed for me by its inclusion in one of Hollyoaks’ better sequences. Now, before you laugh, Hollyoaks went through a stage a few years ago of breaking free of its trashy storylines about fit girls to produce some brilliant, innovative plots. One of the best, which should not have worked, was Max’s funeral. Steph, his widow, is a wannabe singer, but isn’t actually very good. When she stands up at Max’s funeral to sing “About You Now”, it absolutely *should* be hideous and silly. Instead, her a-cappella off key rendition is pretty touching, especially as the song sums up her regret at umm-ing and err-ing over Max before they got married.
Watch the brilliance here! It was the closest we got to making my housemate who never cries cry.
Songs That Are More Depressing Than They Seem:
David Gray – “The One I Love”
David Gray puts something into his chords that makes all his songs fill you with sad nostalgia. If any of my Internet Following is musically minded please do explain how he does this. “The One I Love”, my favourite of David’s songs, initially sounds like his most cheerful, with a chirpy jangly melody and the nice “tell the stars above/that you’re the one I love” chorus. Oh no no. Listen properly and you realize this song is actually sung by a man bleeding to death, hallucinating about his lover. Amazing.
Kelly Clarkson – “Because of You”
This song is obviously sad and on first listen seems like a typical power ballad sung by rejected ex. Oh no. In fact, it has some of the bleakest pop lyrics I know. Listen carefully and it’s actually about a child who’s been emotionally damaged by a parent (“I watched you die, I heard you cry/every night in your sleep/I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me”). The song gets darker as the music builds, culminating with Kelly telling us how ashamed she is of her life because it’s so empty. Few pop songs go this bleak.
There are so many more I could have written about (Mika’s “Happy Ending”, especially when the cuddly toys start crying in the video; George Michael’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me” – oh dear Lord, Peter Andre is releasing a version of this; Sinead O’Connor “Nothing Compares To You” – that one perfect tear in the video), but that’s enough for today. Glee is now on. To lighten the mood, I want to end with one of my favourite YouTube clips ever: Karen from Outnumbered pretending to be Gordon Ramsay and Nigella Lawson:
* Feel free to send me birthday emails/leave birthday comments/send presents. Or suggest karaoke songs.
X Factor: Week 7 Results (George Michael & Wham week)
Nov 22nd
- Have I become desensitised or was the group performance of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” not utterly hideous? It had all the ingredients of being so, but somehow hovered around bearable.
- Taking my cynical hat off for one bullet point, I like that Reality TV has meant someone as unlikely as Susan Boyle now has a chance at a music career. Even if it also gave her a nervous breakdown. [EDIT: With further thought I'd disappointed. How much better would it have been if she'd have come back with a "Bleeding Love"/"Bad Boys" instead of that cover.]
- I think we’d have all preferred it if Mariah Carey had sung “All I Want For Christmas”. In fact I’d quite like it if she re-released “Fantasy/Dreamlover” (double A-side) every summer and “All I Want For Christmas” every December. Mariah had everything for her performance: the golden waterfall, the halo light, a gospel choir, indoor fireworks. It’s just a shame she doesn’t have the songs these days to match her voice. I refuse to acknowledge that she was miming and instead insist she can actually sing that well.
- Can I ever forgive her for the below remix (and video) though? Why is her eye sideways?
- My shocking mathematical formula was spot on! Sod my flawed instinct. I’m all Derren Brown.
- Why on earth did Twin Peaks choose “No Matter What” as their desperation song? Did they genuinely pick this? A song with singing and leaps between notes? Is it paranoid to suggest the Puppet Masters made them do this to ensure they’d go this time and save the show a small amount of credibility/believability/relevance?
- Having said that, Cheeky Chappy was quite out of tune too. And yet despite this, I still prefer him leaps and bounds to “very in tune” Joe and “normally in tune but occasionally wildly off tune” Danyl.
- In previous years, a winner has never been in the bottom 2 before. Which means, according to maths (which is my sole guide now), the winner is either Joe or Stacey. Please god let it be Stacey. Please. If Joe wins it will mean we’ve learnt nothing since 2001. Nothing! It would invalidate everything that the important victory of Will Young over Gareth Gates symbolised. Don’t let it happen people!!
- I now have a mint tea and am calm.
-I love Dannii. She’s getting rebellious against the Cowell. I think he might fire her, but still. I love her attitude.
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