I thought long and hard about how best to return to the blogging scene. Only this morning, I walked past Rachel Stevens (or was she sitting there, waiting for me to come by? It’s possible) and thought to myself, ‘Yes. I’m totally ready to start almost-but-not-quite liveblogging Strictly Come Dancing.’ Alas for me but even more so for you, SCD is still some way off (though not as way off as Series 3 of Miranda: I occasionally wake up in a cold sweat convinced that it won’t return at all. 2012? TWO THOUSAND AND WHAT I CALL TWELVE?!). And so I turn to a subject just as close to my heart: the musical magnificence and boyish brilliance of JLS. By the end of this post, my one hope is that you too will put your hands up (and then down again, because you need to comment on the post pronto. Blog comments are like happy-birthday messages on Facebook: the only true measures of happiness).

Reason 1: They’re not One Direction. I think we can all admit that we didn’t realise quite how much we loved JLS until the soul-destroying rise  of One Direction on last year’s X Factor. You know it’s true. One Direction are the antiChristJLS. JLS came together because Oritse wanted to raise money to find a cure for his mother’s multiple sclerosis. I imagine Simon Cowell’s reasons for fusing four (three? I lose count) middle-class Bieber boys and a token ethnic one into the slick chemistry-vacuum that is One Direction were fairly similar.

Compare and contrast: watch?v=4Vgtzs0qMYc vs watch?v=lYi1taWoRCo

Reason 2: They’re aware of their place in history. When JLS lost to Alexandra in the final and were asked how they felt, they took the standard response of ‘it’s been an amazing journey’ and gave it a wholly unexpected twist by comparing themselves to recent president-elect Barack Obama*, adding that ’because of us, others can have hope.’ Yes they can, JLS, yes they can.

*If being leader of the free world doesn’t work out, Obama could easily be the fifth member of JLS. The man has got some moves and grooves: watch?v=x1-JZ4NgyIM

Reason 3: They’re all about the colour-coordination. I recently asked my flatmates – one of whom has seen Boyzone in concert ‘nine, ten times maybe’; the other of whom is Mark - to name the members of Westlife. Try it yourself, reader. It’s actually impossible. Despite being (cue booming X Factor voice) The Most Successful Boy Band Of The Last Decade with 44 Million Sales Worldwide, Westlife are almost a complete blank. So I applaud and love JLS for introducing at a very early stage the concept of matching their members to individual colours, as if – even then – they were afraid of this same sad oblivious fate befalling them (not that it EVER will while I’m around: Aston (blue), Marvin (green), JB (yellow) and Oritse (red) ).

C'est chic.

Reason 4: They’re very good boys. Yes, where there’s colour coordination, there’s excellent merchandising. And I think we all know what merchandising I’m talking about.

Reason 5: They’re also bad boys. The Alexandra/JLS medley was X Factor’s finest hour: fact. Words cannot do it justice, so just watch the sparks of pop perfection fly: watch?v=NdgXMfLobJA (and before you say anything, Oritse’s bit was meant to sound like that: it’s soulful. Pure coincidence that his mike seems to switch itself off immediately afterwards)

Reason 6: They love a bit of literal choreography. Need to express via dance the poetic notion of a heart that won’t beat again? Wondering how to convey through mime the impossibility of eating or sleeping? How to capture in mere physical gesture the invitation to get ‘up’ on one? Never be afraid of literal choreography, young boy bander: it’s your friend. That’s the whole point of lyrics like ‘everybody in love, go on put your hands up’ – which is not to be confused with ‘everybody everywhere throw your hands in the air’ being from a different song entirely.

Reason 7: They have impeccable taste in musical theatre. Second albums are notoriously difficult, and some might say JLS made it even harder on themselves when they chose to lead theirs with a single that sampled the musical to end all musicals, ‘The Sound of Music’. But I say: they took a classic, they made it their own – and I don’t doubt that it regularly gets airplay in the alpine retreat of Dame Julie herself.

Reason 8: They try really hard to make hats cool. Sweet. Doomed, but sweet.

Top Hats.

Reason 9: They restored Gordon Brown to the bosom of the nation’s affections. I love Gordon Brown like I love all flawed Shakespearean villains. I damn near cried when, rejected by the entire nation for the drippy likes of Clegg and Cameron (for the love of GOD), he gave his brave little farewell speech (“I have been privileged to learn much about the very best in human nature and a fair amount too about its frailties, including my own” – how much more Shakespearean can one man and his speech-writing team get?!) and then led his family out of Downing Street to a new life in total obscurity/Fife. So when JLS took time out from their pop-tastic lives to share an affectionate fist-pump with Gord and invite him down the pub during their Comic Relief sketch, my joy was unconfined. JLS are, in many ways, the Princess Diana of the 21st century.

Reason 10: REASON TEN? I’m on reason ten already and yet I’ve barely begun. We haven’t even discussed the cheery catchiness of their songs; the kinetic wonder of Aston’s backflipping; the sheer hotness of Marvin; the intricacies of JB’s head; their whole-hearted embrace of old-fashioned boy-band tropes; their endearing awkwardness when paired up with totally age-inappropriate love interests in the Everybody in Love video; the recent revelation that they love to warm up with a spot of Eurovision…so to finish, I need to somehow sum up the joyful quintessence of JLS. But how? But how? BUT HOW?!

Here’s how:  watch?v=NhVLSHsDV_c

…I find myself comparing Alexandra Burke’s and JLS’ versions of Hallelujah, from the 2008 X Factor Final.

That is all.

Before Mark left to save the world, I said to him, ‘Please…you just have to give me this one chance. This is what I’ve dreamed of all my life. This is what it’s all been about. You won’t regret it. I HAVE ANCESTORS WHO DIED!’ And he said, ‘Literary Agent Flatmate, despite the fact that you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, I will let you blog in my absence. But because you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, you will blog the rubbish results show on Sunday night. The Boyfriend will blog the proper show.’

And a very good job he did of it too. I cannot give you the fancy graphics or the Twitter Vox Pop of The Boyfriend’s blogging; nor can I offer the dry wit and encyclopedic knowledge of Mark himself. But I haven’t watched x number of X Factors (see what I did there?) without learning a little something about overcoming a lack of special talent. So tonight I’m all about the Novelty Factor. That’s right – I will be LIVEBLOGGING! It’s never been done before!*

20.00: And so it begins. OMG! Joe McElderry and Usher on the same freaking show! (Sorry, that should be frickin’) Have these two megamen of music ever shared the stage before? Is a duet too much to hope for? Where did those screaming Joe fans get bussed in from? Not-entirely-unrelated-question: where is noted Joe fan The Boyfriend tonight?

20.03: I have always loved that the judges emerge to the EPIC music from Romeo + Juliet (it may well be a piece of famous classical music too…) but then there’s always the slight disappointment that follows when I realise there will be no Leonardo DiCaprio, no warring families, no crazy tropical fish. Well, never say never about the crazy tropical fish. Actually, on reflection, I’m surprised Brian hasn’t gone there already. Only a matter of time…

20.04: Ah, the first Group of Groups effort of the season. It took me a while to recognise the song, but gosh they were trying. Trying like a particularly “enthusiastic” school choir of the kind that parents must dread having to smile and clap along to. PUSH HER DOWN THE STAIRS, TREYC! That was her big chance to get rid of Mini Cheryl! Mind you, all the Girls look particularly fierce tonight, especially as they strut towards the Boys who look intimidated and inadequate. It’s like every school disco I didn’t go to. Quite sweetly, the Over 28s are combining forces to help Mary From Tesco down the stairs. While everyone else waves their hands in the air like they just don’t care, Wagner seems to be trying to swat his own ponytail. That must be a fun way to pass the time – both generally and when on prime time TV.

20.14: They’re playing a medley of Usher’s Greatest Hits. I don’t recognise any of them. I am much more familiar with that nice Joe McElderry’s back catalogue. I don’t know who this makes look worse: me, Joe or Usher. He doesn’t do much singing himself, this Usher…Oh, and he has his own towel – the true sign of a superstar. Oh, he just had to ask the crowd twice whether they’ll come to his show – probably not the true sign of a superstar.

20:18: Dermot just encouraged Usher to throw his sweat-drenched towel into the baying audience. I am so glad the ultra-clean, hyper-germ-sensitive Mark wasn’t here to see that.

20:24: Dannii says there’s something about Mary. I love Dannii so much, I take the time to spell her name correctly.

20:25: “HE WAS A BOY FROM SOUTH SHIELDS!” Is it Usher again? I jest, of course it’s Joe – who gets the dubious honour of having a montage that features no discernible achievement whatsoever, aside from being A BOY FROM SOUTH SHIELDS. Not even a mention of his decision to come out, X Factor producers? Really? That seems a little regressive. Once again, I get the feeling that the art of televisual montages is dying (as anyone who was in the room when the BBC screened their Wimbledon 2010 montage will know, this is a subject closer to my heart than is strictly healthy).

20:26: Joe is performing, and I have to admit, I’m not familiar with this song. It certainly hasn’t featured in Glee, which is so unlike Joe. He seems to be channelling John Travolta circa 1978. His backing singers are in all the colours of the rainbow…oh, a rainbow. I get it. Subtle, X Factor. OH MY GOD, that was an amazingly gratuitous Christ-like gesture! (If you haven’t already, read Mark’s blog post on boy bands’ penchant for such gestures in their videos – I hope I get extra points for referencing Mark’s archive. Not that this is a competition or anything, The Boyfriend).

20:29 As Dermot interviews Joe (“it’s just like coming home” – yeah, possibly because outside of this studio space, no one really cares for me or even knows my name), let’s take a moment and reflect on the fact that this time last year, Alexandra was giving us the dirty masterpiece that was Bad Boys.

20:33 Cheryl emerges with The Girls; Mini Cheryl has managed to bag the spot right next to Cheryl because she’s her biggest fan. I think anyone who has ever watched the creepy US TV movies on Channel Five of an idle afternoon will know how that storyline is going to end. Dannii comes on with The Boys – Aidan walks alone, because that’s as externalised as he gets.

Treyc and John are through – meh.

Aidan and Diva Fever – WTF, people? Diva Fever are totally charmless.

Mini Cheryl and Storm – Mini Cheryl and Cheryl have an awkward victory hug; I half-expect them to emerge as one Super-Cheryl, but this doesn’t happen.

Belle Amie and Matt – Matt’s not wearing his hat! His magical powers have gone! So he must be through on talent alone. Weird.

Wagner and Rebecca – Louis laughs manically. Katie reassures Rebecca with the words ‘I love you’. I think this is girl code for ‘I loved you once but now I hate you’.

Mary and One Direction – this is unsurprising as Mary is good (and shimmies like a demon) and One Direction have harnessed the power of the sun and/or Justin Bieber’s UK fan club, multiplied to the fever of five.

Paije is safe – WOOHOO!

FYD, Nicolo and Katie are the bottom three. Not even your Grecian robe will save you now, Katie…but it’s Nicolo who’s first out. Nicolo takes it with refreshing honesty: he tells Dermot that he feels like crap. He feels like crap? I feel like crap! He’s wanted to do this ever since he was in the womb – how could the British public vote him out now!? How could you all do that to lovely Dannii?! You people shouldn’t be allowed to vote in anything. Look at the mess you got us into in the general election, and now this. Reap as you sow, and that’s all I’m going to say.

20:48 For some reason, Strictly Come Dancing has removed the dance-off from their results show. I’m glad X Factor has not lost its head: the sing-off is alive and well in all its emotionally-charged, politically-laced drama. FYD are thrusting into the crowd with all their might – but will the judges be impressed with their decent singing, decent choreography and all-round decentness? Announcing Public Enemy Katie as the crowd chants for FYD, Cheryl manages to look like a great 19th century Tragic Heroine, with just a tiny hint of 21st century pouting. I love the X Factor for these magic moments of completely manufactured melodrama. (Is now the time to mention the firing squad waiting for Gamu in Zimbabwe? Probably not).

The FYD guy with the glasses has an endearing way of wringing his hands as he waits for the Judges’ responses…I’m not sure what he’s going to do with those hands now that FYD ARE GOING HOME! They all look crushed; their spokesman says something vague yet pointed about dancing AND singing whilst in a singing contest. Dermot points out that they’re the only act not to have been manufactured by Simon – I think Simon may have paid him to say that. Well, paid him extra, obviously. The audience seems rather deflated.

20:58 Diana Vickers and Katy Perry will appear next week. The crowd goes wild at the mention of Diana Vickers; I can even hear Mark cheering all the way from the other side of the world (he does a mean Diana Vickers at karaoke – and to paraphrase Diana and to show that I was listening, he’s only going to let me blog here once). I like this idea that every week will feature an X Factor alumnus plus Genuine Though-Perhaps-No-Less-Manufactured Star; I wonder who they will pair with my favourites and yours, the McDougal Brothers.

21:00 So my blogging stint has come to an end. It’s been intense, fun and heated – literally, the laptop is burning my legs. Before I sign off, I must thank Other Flatmate for her livestreaming (or talking, in non-blogging terms), to The Boyfriend for his sterling work on Saturday (though technically he did spill over onto Sunday, aka MY day), and of course to Mark for giving me the password to his blog and letting me nose around the statistics page to my heart’s content. Bye, guys, bye.

*on this specific blog. Also, it won’t be quite live. Because I don’t know how.

Right, after a sleepless night spent worrying and dreaming about this bloody blog, I’m back to finish what I started. But before I continue my assassination of the remaining performances, let’s take a moment to applaud that which was great about last night’s show, the adverts.

Advertisers have really pulled it out of the bag for this year’s show and are, at the moment, putting the contestants to shame. They’re really understood who’d be watching TV at that time and that musical ads will resonate (Do you like how I’m using lots of Cowell-isms to sound like I know what I’m talking about?).

Yeo Valley are definitely at the forefront with their hilarious and totally current rapping advert. Those cardy-clad farmies put Cher to shame with their musical number.

I wasn’t the only person secretly wishing this was not just an advert:

Then there was IKEA with another musical masterpiece all about being in the kitchen at parties. These clever marketers have evening taken it a step further by offering the song for purchase on Amazon!

And talking about knowing your audience, well done the people at Nintendo for running the Wii adverts featuring JLS. Tick for using ex-X Factor contestants and gold star for making them look a little like they were doing naughty things while playing with their Wii remote.

But enough about the adverts, let us get back to the actual show.

As you can see (And Mark should be suitably impressed), I made copious notes. Unfortunately, they are now all in a muddle now, so I can’t guarantee that I list these in the correct order.

Diva Fever and their EPIC struggle to be Pop Stars!

OK, I’m not embarrassed to admit it, I like Diva Fever. Maybe it’s the fact that they are unapologetically camper than a Dale Winton camping convention? Perhaps it’s the fact that they have already started talking about themselves in the 3rd person? Or maybe, it’s that they dared to perform in cycling shorts, which, to be fair, was an improvement on their starting outfits. As @tomstoneman quite rightly exclaimed:

Although I’ve never seen prophylactics with that much glitter.

To describe their performance as Eurovision would be to understate it. Cheryl was right when she mentioned Mr Motivator. Their routine, and more specifically, the dance routine, were unabashed queen! Love the bit where Cheryl shielded her eyes from all the package thrusting in her face.

Many people complain that these two should not have been put through as Simon’s wild card – there being many more talented alternatives such as The Reason or that other geeky group. But those doubters have forgotten that Simon is on a mission to save humanity from the world becoming boring! He’s such a noble creature.

I actually suspect an ulterior motive. He and Louis seem to be engaging in some weird bitter form of Gay-off. Choice quips include:

Simon – “This next act is from me to Louis”

Louis – “I’m not surprised Simon picked Diva Fever because they’ve very him. They’ve very camp.”

Louis – “You know who you remind me of guys? You remind me of Simon Cowell & Piers Morgan.”

The two need to get a room or just drop the getting-slightly-uncomfortable gay ribbing. I don’t like where it’s heading and the vibe it’s starting to get.

I enjoyed their performance, despite it’s high cringe quotient and the fact it was occasionally out of tune. I would like to know why one of them (let’s call him ‘Pink Diva’) barely sung. Half the time he didn’t even look like he was trying. Admittedly, ‘Purple Diva’ has the best voice by far, but he was all you could hear, was Pink Diva’s microphone even on?

I hope they stay in because Simon is right, we need some entertainment in the world.

Paije Richardson and his EPIC struggle to not be a yoyo.

Poor Paije, first he’s rejected for no good reason.

Then he gets to audition again.

Then he’s rejected again despite Dannii probably already knowing that he would actually be going through but the producers wanted a ‘surprise’ moment.

Then he gets told he actually is going through.

Then…. THEN… They send him on stage looking like he’s stepped out of the early 90s almanac of bad taste. @nickhucks summed up what many tweets were saying:

I really liked his performance, it was simple – just him on the stage, and it was a great song choice for his voice. Despite it being a huge stage to fill, he didn’t look dwarfed and he gets bonus points for being the first contestants of 2010 to go on that stupid little path that runs behind the panel. I always enjoy when the judges face that dilemma of whether to turn awkwardly to watch or refuse to turn and look aloof.

Unfortunately, Paije also gets the credit for the first 2010 gender change. I really thought we’d got beyond this seeing how many of the audition songs went through without the need to change ‘him’ to ‘her’. I suspect this is coming more from the judges than the contestants.

I like how Louis is now taking total credit for Paije and doubtless is clinging on to him out of desperation given his chances with his category. But, FYI Louis, calling somebody a “Cuddly Luther Vandross” is no different to saying they are a “Fat Luther Vandross”.

He should be safe and while I doubt he’ll win, I’m interested to see what comes next from him.

Katie Waissel and her EPIC mission to prove her point (that she’s not Gamu)

Oh Katie, Katie, Katie. I had such high hopes for you when you first appeared at auditions. But between your recording-contract past and GamuGate, I fear your time is short.

All the ingredients were there for her performance to be epic:

• Crazy sci-fi/partridge helmet.
• Weird military themed costume and set.
• Weird pointy glass piano with hunky man supports that you may (or may not) have played.
• Classic Queen rocky number.

But alas, it all went wrong. The song was both too big and not big enough for her. She couldn’t give it all the emotion a Queen song deserves, and it didn’t really build to any big crescendo that she could perform to. Plus the sound was off again (What is the deal with the sound this year?) and you couldn’t hear her for some of it.

For me, she seems SO desperate to be this quirky, different person that all we are getting are pale imitations of Madonna, Gaga and other unique characters. Poor Katie doesn’t seem to realise that you don’t get to be unique and “a legacy” by merely copying what others have done before. I still hold out some hope as there are signs of unique weirdness – those eyelashes for example.

Unfortunately for Katie, there is one issue that no matter how hard she tries, and God she is trying, she will not be able to escape:

While it wasn’t her fault Gamu didn’t get through, she seems to have become the focal point for all the publics anger over the incident. Her little ‘dramatic’ moment at Judges’ Houses (and that stupid umbrella) certainly didn’t help.

Overall, I was left underwhelmed and if this was a “vote for who should go” style competition, I’d say for certain she was out, however I think she’s in with a chance of surviving for at least a few weeks. If nothing else, the judges will probably save her, as except for Danni, they’re all on the Gaga-bus.

Mary Byrne and her EPIC struggle against Laryngitis

Oh look, it’s Dawn French from Murder Most Horrid. No, wait, it’s Nicky from Westlife’s auntie. No, actually it’s Dawn French being Posh Spice at Comic Relief.

In fact, it was just Mary from Tesco, although I’m sure she’d be happy to drop the supermarket chain from her moniker.

Well… What a belter. She totally rocked the opera diva look with her black trouser suit and Croydon Facelift hairstyle. I found her both fascinating and terrifying. She had some amazing hand action going on and gave a HUGE performance.

I really like it. I really like her. Despite all the factors going against her (age, looks, relevancy, etc), I have a sneaking suspicious that she could win this thing. She’s not got any of the annoying precociousness lots of the others have, she’s got a really solid voice and she’s a loveable down-to-earth Irish mummy.  I’m sure Mark will vehemently disagree with me, but the rapturous applause that shut even Dannii up certainly suggests something. I’d be perfect content with her being the X Factor 2010 champion – I’m bored with all the same-same winners. My Twitter timeline seems to be sharing the same sentiment:

Nicolo Festa and his EPIC quest to entertain.

While Katie tries really hard to appear quirky and weird, Nicolo just is quirky and weird. I think we’ve only scratched the surface of his bizarreness. Following him on Twitter is a lesson in the surreal:

Despite his protestations that he is not a diva and that he’s just “normal”, this boy milked his diva-staging for all it was worth. I’m not sure it was an entirely successful affair but between the hypnotic background visuals, the cross-dressing dancers and the sunglasses (FYI judges, sunglasses are never good on stage) I think we’ve got a potential Lord Gaga right here. He’s even wearing some weird gender-bending skirt in his intro VTs!

Alas though, he singing was not great and the Gaga song did not suit him, I don’t think Nicolo can really pull off busy, action filled stage routines. Ironically, for somebody singing “Just Dance”, he really can’t.

Naturally,Simon 2.0, loved it. It’s exactly what he needs on his global quest to make the world less boring. Will the audience, I’m not sure. He was a surprise finalist anyway – this may have been too off-kilter and not good enough to secure him a round 2 place…

1 Direction and their EPIC quest to be in time.

Well, they can all sing. When they had first been thought together, I’d assumed that all Simon had done was give Liam and Harry 3 backing singers, particularly given how their audition pieces went. But perhaps I was wrong, although Liam and Harry still stand out by a mile, they are a whole other level to the rest (who’s names I don’t even know).

They sounded good together but there were those volume issues again and they did go wrong. Credit to Liam though who showed his professionalism by jumping in and rescuing his bandmate. A pity nobody rescued him and Harry from their weird twitchy gesturing all through the group parts.

I don’t even need to talk about their chances. Tweeny lust will assure their place in the final (unless something magical happens). I’m not quite sure how these guys fit into Simon’s new world vision of difference, but what the hell – These guys entertain me enough to put up with a little bit of hormone-drenched hysteria. I particularly enjoy Harry’s angry singing and the little one’s earnest enjoyment. Oh God… does this mean I might start liking that Bieber fellow?!

I was going to post some tweets about 1 Direction, but since most of them are of dubious taste, I’ll hold off. I really should review my follow list…

Wagner Carrilho and his EPIC struggle to remember the lyrics.

Erm… Right… That was your best choice for wildcard Louis?

I’m actually quite glad he’s in the show, it’s another quirky performance and enjoy hearing his accented interpretation of classic songs. He’s not got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning, but as Mr. Cowell says: “Embrace the madness”.

Clearly, Louis has no wish for him to stay beyond the first show – he couldn’t even be bothered to learn how to say his name! And as @Popjustice puts it:

At one point, I feared Wagner would have a coronary and then I feared I would from all the laughing. The last straw for my sanity was Cheryl describing him as ‘Earthy’. EARTHY!? She’s come out with some crap before, but seriously, EARTHY?!

I don’t hold out much hope of a second performance.

Aiden Grimshaw and his EPIC quest to externalise!

OK, we get it, Aiden sings from his special place where he’s clearly a very tortured individual. There really wasn’t any need to reinforce this any further, and yet we got:

• A chair that looked like it was made from chains.
• A white top that looked strikingly like a straight-jacket (at least until he stood up).
• Some fiercely pained facial expressions.
• Slightly autistic rocking forwards.
• Very worrying off-stage staring, unfocussed.

From all the DOOM trailers about him keeping all his emotion inside, we got a really intense, haunting performance with lots of emotion pouring out. I found it really affecting. I understand where Simon was coming from with his Twilight reference – he was one step away from being a spectre.

I was reassured to see that, like Matt, Aiden has kept hold of that one item of clothing that he apparently needs to survive – his scarf. Cleverly, the stylists have made it white so it’s barely visible, but that pointless strip of material is still there wrapped nonchalantly and ineffectively around his neck.

He’s weird, he’s intense, he’s attractive and he’s different. He’ll probably win.

Treyc Cohen and her EPIC quest to be accepted.

Just her and a microphone. Nothing else. Either a bold move from Cheryl or a wiping of the hands. Apparently it worked as Simon claimed it was the “best vocal of the entire competition”. I think that was a little OTT. It was good, but my overall feeling was – meh.

I think Treyc will also suffer from GamuGate. She got the wildcard that should have been Gamu’s. The public may not forgive this, they’re already pissed of with Treyc’s abuse on English spelling!

I find it fascinating that, given how they’ve gone on about the negative press Katie & Cher received, they’d allow Treyc’s DOOM trailer to mention that they’ve been off with her. Hardly going to help the situation. Or perhaps, that’s the idea – nothing helps generate publicity than in-house arguments.

Conclusion

Well there we have it. I’ve finally reached the end of this ridiculous marathon of a blog entry. Next time, Mark can bugger off nearer the end, when there’s only 3 or 4 contestants to write about!

I’m happy that I got my wish and have a Weird X Factor this year. Last nights show was certainly the most unique I’ve ever watched. There are plenty of characters to entertain me. I hope it won’t be too short-lived and all the quirky ones get booted out at the beginning.

Who do I think will be in the bottom tonight – I really don’t care! Surprisingly, my life will continue regardless of whether I get to hear Wagner butcher another song, see Diva Fever explode in a rainbow of campery, witness Mary let loose in Rock Week or hear Cher sing a non-rap ballad in Big Band week. But since I know Mark’s Internet Following need such insight, I’ll allow the voices of Twitter to put forward their opinions:

And that’s it, my blogging duty over with. Thanks for sticking with it and apologies it’s not up to it’s usual high quality. Please don’t abandoned The Blog That Mark Wrote otherwise I’ll never be forgiven! If you enjoyed my little stint, please leave a comment below – it’ll earn me Boyfriend Points which I will definitely be cashing in!

Check back tonight when Literary Agent Flatmate will be taking over…

We’ve had the first X Factor episode of 2010 and 2.5 – yes 2.5 – of my predictions have already materialised. That’s no.2, no.3 and half of no.8. (It looks like Joe Celery’s* album might not be gracing my CD shelves after all).

I’m going to save my main X Factor blogging for the Live Finals and, instead, this week I’ve been inspired by a recent Guardian article on the six best X Factor performances of all time. (I also figure that if I send the Guardian web traffic they might be more willing to approach me to Live Blog for them). However, I do feel the Guardian missed a few classics. So below are five more for inclusion.

Diana Vickers – “Call Me”

Vickers did some downright quirky performances in season four of the X Factor, which were mostly 100% amazing. Who else could get away with singing “Man In The Mirror” with their back to the audience? Or “I’m Not A Girl (Not Yet A Woman)”, Britney’s weirdest song (yes, and that includes “If You Seek Amy” and the really bizarre one about threesomes)? But Vickers’ best had to be the amazing “Call Me”: Vickers rocks out on a bench, surrounded by roller-skaters, for no real reason. It works perfectly and essentially she is prefiguring Glee two years early. By far the most interesting contestant the X Factor’s ever had. 

Alexandra Burke – “Candyman”

“Candyman” was Alexandra’s equivalent of Leona Lewis’ “Summertime”: a breakthrough performance that screamed star quality. It was in this performance that Alex hinted that she might be the first proper popstar the X Factor had produced: someone who could both sing and dance. At the same time.

Shayne Ward – “Take Ya Mama”

Shayne Ward should have been massive (the British Justin Timberlake, I tell you). And this performance marked something significant. For the first time they gave a contestant a song released just ONE YEAR BEFORE. Yes, this is where they started to realise that “relevance” was importance.

Shayne had a brilliant voice (the male equivalent of Leona) and the *best* falsetto – and here he sings a song about coming out to your mum by taking her clubbing in that falsetto and yet still sounds quite masculine. If only he hadn’t released a solo single with the lyric “I want to thank your mother just for giving you birth” and he might have been amazing. Please come back with some excellent material, Shayne.

4. Ruth Lorenzo – “Always”

Ruth was interesting because she was kind of like Shakira crossed with Bon Jovi. Ignore the odd wobbly note in the below performance (she’d just been voted out) and this is proper fall-on-your-knees-with-emotion singing, which anyone who’s seen me do karaoke will know is my absolute favourite kind. By the end of the song there is essentially just screaming occurring and it sounds bloody (fist shakingly) brilliant.

5. Leona Lewis and Take That  – “A Million Love Songs”

It’s got to be the best ever X Factor duet. From the “Ladies and Gentleman…Take That!”, to the amazing key change and the fact that Mark, Jason and Howard occasionally look a bit lost, it’s just pure brilliance. And even better for the moment four minutes in where Gary Barlow tells Simon Cowell that he better not give Leona the usual sh*t album he’s given previous winners, or else.

I can think of at least three more (Alexandra & Beyonce’s “Listen”, JLS’ “Umbrella”, Stacey Solomon’s “Who Wants To Live Forever”) but must leave it there before the YouTube videos crash my page. Plus I really want to watch CSI Miami. A Blog post may also emerge on some of the more car crash performances too (I’m thinking of several weird performances by siblings who seemed to be singing love songs to each other).

Please do share your own thoughts. If you comment it makes my Literary Agent Flatmate believe that I have a large Internet Following and therefore makes it more likely she’ll ask me to write books.

*Spell check changes it to this and I quite like it.

If my first choice career of being approached by my Literary Agent Flatmate to write exciting novels on, err, Popular Culture somehow falls through, I do have a Plan B. Dream career Plan B involves establishing the World’s First School For Reality TV Stars. In this Academy, I’d train potential contestants on crucial elements such as how to create the strongest back story in a VT, how to perform a song so that people say you’ve made it your own, and, finally – but most importantly - how to react to your victory/getting voted out.

In fact, there will be a whole semester on the latter.

I was reminded of the importance of this by Wimbledon. Yesterday, lovely Federer was beaten by Berdych. On first watch, I thought Berdych’s reacted to this shock victory by, well, seemingly pointing and laughing at Federer. This is not good. If Wimbledon was decided by phone votes, Berdych would be out immediately in the next round.* 

Lucky for Berdych, Tennis isn’t decided by phone votes. Yet. But for when it is, here’s a taster of my masterclass on How To Win And Lose In Reality TV.

[EDIT: It may have been pointed out that Berdych is not actually pointing and laughing at Federer but at the crowd instead. So he's not horrible after all. But if he had, that would have been horrible, and therefore it would have been the perfect analogy to start my blog with. Nevermind.]

Rule Number 1: If you get voted out, don’t get angry.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest innovation has been taking the ”isn’t it sad you’ve been voted out” moment of TV talent shows to a new, shocking level, by forcing devastated voted-out contestants to sing a mocking musical number all about the fact they’ve been voted out. Fascinating and hideous.

Back in 2007, Andrew was hunting for the West End’s new Joseph in “Any Dream Will Do”. Seamus, the oldest contestant, was voted out in week three. Over-confident Seamus goes into meltdown at this result: firstly he looks like he wants to kill everybody. Secondly, he declares it’s all “a conspiracy theory” (i.e. “my mum tried to vote 19 times but kept getting the engaged tone”). Thirdly, he fights a bit with his fellow Josephs when they try to take his Technicolour Dreamcoat off him. And to top that all off, he even changes the lyrics of his eviction song, which would have come across as quite witty if he hadn’t proceeded to hit several notes that definitely weren’t meant to be in the song. Truly painful and yet amazing viewing. Just watch this clip.

Rule Number 2: If you win, blub like a trooper

Alexandra Burke’s reaction to winning the X Factor divides opinion, but I say collapsing on Cheryl Cole whilst blubbing like a maniac is an amazing way to do it. I’ve discussed the clip below before, but I’m not above rehashing old material so it’s worth me enumerating why it’s so great all over again: 

1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.

2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.

3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.

4. Despite breaking down mid song with overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.

5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.

Rule Number 3: Don’t react until you’re definitely sure you’ve won

Surely it could never happen that a Reality TV Host would ever get it wrong and announce the wrong person as the winner, could it? (Yes, it’s happened. So always count for 5 seconds before reacting).

Rule Number 4: If one of your friends gets voted out ,don’t run on stage at the end and steal their thunder.

I’m sure my house created the nickname “Eggnog” for Eoghan from X Factor. Either way, Eggnog made a major faux pas when he got through to the X Factor final and his bessie mate Diana Vickers got voted out. Diana Vickers is trying to finish her goodbye song with a bit of dignity. She’s barely finishing her last note before Eggnog’s running on stage shoving his face in the camera and trying to snog her. This is Diana’s moment, Eggnog. Move over. (Although I do find it sort of sweet. Sort of).

Rule Number 5: Be more like Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal’s reaction to his Best Supporting Actor BAFTA win back in 2006 is just the way to do it, on all counts. So if all else fails, try being more like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Rule Number 6: No matter how bad it feels when you lose, think about how yours fans are taking it.

I think this is my favourite reaction to, well, anything ever. Two girls react to Adam Lambert (wrongfully) losing in the final to American Idol. Why were they filming themselves? I have no idea, but it’s absolutely brilliant.

I’m still laughing.

*And Andy Roddick would be voted back in, mainly because he has amazing eyes.

My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy. This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.

Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:

1. The Christ-like Gesture:

This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.

Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):

Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?

2. Location:

The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” video below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change.

Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice fire escape in the background.

But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses a giant hot air balloon?

The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.

3. A mysterious female figure:

Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.

A special shout out must also be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video.

Disclaimer: writen at midnight after “Christmas Day”. Much food and alcohol consumed.

- So, we’re essentially back in 2002 right and it’s the final of Pop Idol: Will Young vs. Gareth Gates, when Simon thought that Gareth Gates was the next big superstar. However, the public defied Simon and decided that the much more interesting and relevant Will Young, who could inteligently interpret songs, was the winner. An important victory. Back to 2009 and the winner was the other way round. We’ve regressed. Even now, Joe isn’t trending on Twitter. It’ll be interesting to see how much his debut single sells this week: whether it’s Leona(571k)/Alex (576k) amounts or Leon (275k) amounts. This will be the first clue to how popular he might be…

- Whilst Olly sang “The Climb” almost entirely out of tune (as it was the Final, the Judges had to ignore the flat notes and convince us it was an incredible-never-heard-before-vocal), I sort of preferred his desperate, broken man version to Joe’s strangely soulless performance. As a contestant, Olly was interesting as it’s unusual to get someone good at the up tempo numbers but not so good at traditional ballads on the show. Literary Agent housemate also made a interesting comment that unlike the other contestants he actually leads the dancers. No mean feat.

- However, it seemed more likely that the Gospel Choir on “The Climb” would lead the contestants away: why were they dressed like hospital workers? They were here last year too, looking equally creepy. And that combined with the crazy cartoon silhouettes on the background of the weird house in the George Michael song? Fascinating: the X Factor entered a dark, intriguing place.

- Is it wrong to dislike Cheryl and Simon’s constant hugging of each other, like they’re a little gang against Dannii and Louis? It’s like playground bullies.

- Do we think they didn’t do the traditional “bring back the rubbish acts from the auditions” performance as this year one of the rubbish acts that would have normally been included actually got through and were lauded up as the best entertainment we’ve had in years?

-JLS and Alexandra: where to start. They smashed it. Why couldn’t it have been a three way thing with Leona joining in? Why can’t we just ignore the current contestants? Let’s go merrily into denial and remember last year instead. The clip below is amazing for so many reasons, which I will enumerate below (look, Guardian Editor and Literary Agent Housemate, I can use long words like enumerate and am therefore definitely worth approaching. This is my last X Factor blog post so I am not above desperate self-promotion):

1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.

2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.

3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.

4. Despite breaking down mid song with perfect overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.

5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.

- Oh my god, the voting stats are out. I’m fascinated. Worthy of a blog post in themselves I feel…

 - And now, what on earth do I blog about now? Please do suggest!

1. Oh, Derren Brown’s on the Xtra Factor! I wonder if he has heard of my mathematical formula? It worked this week Derren. Do you think Derren Brown subliminally manipulates his boyfriend into constantly making him tea? I have tried a very similar technique in my relationship with very limited success.

2. What’s the point in the judges picking who leaves if they go to deadlock *every* week? This was our chance to get rid of Lloyd, judges. But no, let’s keep him in so that now his teenage girl fans panic vote him into the final. Again, Louis made the most sense when voting: what is wrong with the world?

3. The most interesting thing that happened during Bon Jovi’s performance was the candle in our pumpkin suddenly got really bright.

4. Whoever makes the VTs for the celebrity singers needs an Oscar. They can make anything seem dramatic. Even the fact that JLS contains “Four Boys” felt significant. Oh and they are levitating! How exciting. Oh and now they’re coming back down. But they were quite good. 

5. Danyl’s reaction to getting through just put him into the bottom two next week.

6. Why was Rachel bottom again? Partly because her tone of voice was great, but ever so slightly out of tune (she’ll sound better on record). Partly because she’s not a young boy that young girls will vote for. And partly because she didn’t have a “story”. But she did some great finger pointing when she sung and often used the microphone as an emotional crutch, which I always love.  Boo to Lloyd.