Ten Reasons To Put Your Hands Up (because you, like me, love JLS)
Apr 25th
I thought long and hard about how best to return to the blogging scene. Only this morning, I walked past Rachel Stevens (or was she sitting there, waiting for me to come by? It’s possible) and thought to myself, ‘Yes. I’m totally ready to start almost-but-not-quite liveblogging Strictly Come Dancing.’ Alas for me but even more so for you, SCD is still some way off (though not as way off as Series 3 of Miranda: I occasionally wake up in a cold sweat convinced that it won’t return at all. 2012? TWO THOUSAND AND WHAT I CALL TWELVE?!). And so I turn to a subject just as close to my heart: the musical magnificence and boyish brilliance of JLS. By the end of this post, my one hope is that you too will put your hands up (and then down again, because you need to comment on the post pronto. Blog comments are like happy-birthday messages on Facebook: the only true measures of happiness). Read the rest of this entry »
On a snowy winter evening…
Dec 2nd
…I find myself comparing Alexandra Burke’s and JLS’ versions of Hallelujah, from the 2008 X Factor Final. Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor 2010: Week One (Part Three). Number Ones.
Oct 10th
Before Mark left to save the world, I said to him, ‘Please…you just have to give me this one chance. This is what I’ve dreamed of all my life. This is what it’s all been about. You won’t regret it. I HAVE ANCESTORS WHO DIED!’ And he said, ‘Literary Agent Flatmate, despite the fact that you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, I will let you blog in my absence. But because you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, you will blog the rubbish results show on Sunday night. The Boyfriend will blog the proper show.’ Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor 2010: Week One (Part Two)
Oct 10th
Right, after a sleepless night spent worrying and dreaming about this bloody blog, I’m back to finish what I started. But before I continue my assassination of the remaining performances, let’s take a moment to applaud that which was great about last night’s show, the adverts.
Advertisers have really pulled it out of the bag for this year’s show and are, at the moment, putting the contestants to shame. They’re really understood who’d be watching TV at that time and that musical ads will resonate (Do you like how I’m using lots of Cowell-isms to sound like I know what I’m talking about?). Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor: the five best performances of all time
Aug 21st
We’ve had the first X Factor episode of 2010 and 2.5 – yes 2.5 – of my predictions have already materialised. That’s no.2, no.3 and half of no.8. (It looks like Joe Celery’s* album might not be gracing my CD shelves after all).
I’m going to save my main X Factor blogging for the Live Finals and, instead, this week I’ve been inspired by a recent Guardian article on the six best X Factor performances of all time. (I also figure that if I send the Guardian web traffic they might be more willing to approach me to Live Blog for them). However, I do feel the Guardian missed a few classics. So below are five more for inclusion. Read the rest of this entry »
How To Be More Like Jake Gyllenhaal
Jul 1st
If my first choice career of being approached by my Literary Agent Flatmate to write exciting novels on, err, Popular Culture somehow falls through, I do have a Plan B. Dream career Plan B involves establishing the World’s First School For Reality TV Stars. In this Academy, I’d train potential contestants on crucial elements such as how to create the strongest back story in a VT, how to perform a song so that people say you’ve made it your own, and, finally – but most importantly - how to react to your victory/getting voted out.
In fact, there will be a whole semester on the latter.
I was reminded of the importance of this by Wimbledon. Yesterday, lovely Federer was beaten by Berdych. On first watch, I thought Berdych’s reacted to this shock victory by, well, seemingly pointing and laughing at Federer. This is not good. If Wimbledon was decided by phone votes, Berdych would be out immediately in the next round.*
Lucky for Berdych, Tennis isn’t decided by phone votes. Yet. But for when it is, here’s a taster of my masterclass on How To Win And Lose In Reality TV.
[EDIT: It may have been pointed out that Berdych is not actually pointing and laughing at Federer but at the crowd instead. So he's not horrible after all. But if he had, that would have been horrible, and therefore it would have been the perfect analogy to start my blog with. Nevermind.]
Rule Number 1: If you get voted out, don’t get angry.
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest innovation has been taking the ”isn’t it sad you’ve been voted out” moment of TV talent shows to a new, shocking level, by forcing devastated voted-out contestants to sing a mocking musical number all about the fact they’ve been voted out. Fascinating and hideous.
Back in 2007, Andrew was hunting for the West End’s new Joseph in “Any Dream Will Do”. Seamus, the oldest contestant, was voted out in week three. Over-confident Seamus goes into meltdown at this result: firstly he looks like he wants to kill everybody. Secondly, he declares it’s all “a conspiracy theory” (i.e. “my mum tried to vote 19 times but kept getting the engaged tone”). Thirdly, he fights a bit with his fellow Josephs when they try to take his Technicolour Dreamcoat off him. And to top that all off, he even changes the lyrics of his eviction song, which would have come across as quite witty if he hadn’t proceeded to hit several notes that definitely weren’t meant to be in the song. Truly painful and yet amazing viewing. Just watch this clip.
Rule Number 2: If you win, blub like a trooper
Alexandra Burke’s reaction to winning the X Factor divides opinion, but I say collapsing on Cheryl Cole whilst blubbing like a maniac is an amazing way to do it. I’ve discussed the clip below before, but I’m not above rehashing old material so it’s worth me enumerating why it’s so great all over again:
1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.
2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.
3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.
4. Despite breaking down mid song with overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.
5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.
Rule Number 3: Don’t react until you’re definitely sure you’ve won
Surely it could never happen that a Reality TV Host would ever get it wrong and announce the wrong person as the winner, could it? (Yes, it’s happened. So always count for 5 seconds before reacting).
Rule Number 4: If one of your friends gets voted out ,don’t run on stage at the end and steal their thunder.
I’m sure my house created the nickname “Eggnog” for Eoghan from X Factor. Either way, Eggnog made a major faux pas when he got through to the X Factor final and his bessie mate Diana Vickers got voted out. Diana Vickers is trying to finish her goodbye song with a bit of dignity. She’s barely finishing her last note before Eggnog’s running on stage shoving his face in the camera and trying to snog her. This is Diana’s moment, Eggnog. Move over. (Although I do find it sort of sweet. Sort of).
Rule Number 5: Be more like Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal’s reaction to his Best Supporting Actor BAFTA win back in 2006 is just the way to do it, on all counts. So if all else fails, try being more like Jake Gyllenhaal.
Rule Number 6: No matter how bad it feels when you lose, think about how yours fans are taking it.
I think this is my favourite reaction to, well, anything ever. Two girls react to Adam Lambert (wrongfully) losing in the final to American Idol. Why were they filming themselves? I have no idea, but it’s absolutely brilliant.
I’m still laughing.
*And Andy Roddick would be voted back in, mainly because he has amazing eyes.
The Archetypal Boyband Music Video
Jan 17th
My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy. This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.
Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:
1. The Christ-like Gesture:
This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.
Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):
Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?
2. Location:
The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” video below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change.
Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice fire escape in the background.
But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses a giant hot air balloon?
The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.
3. A mysterious female figure:
Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.
A special shout out must also be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video.
4. Water:
Ideally, the water is dripped on scantily clad Boyband members throughout the video. However, a sudden onrush of water can also be used to signal a dramatic moment in the song: for example, “Words” by Boyzone, where it unexpectedly starts raining inside a pub (strangely, no-one in pub seems that shocked). Take That’s “Back For Good” also uses rain nicely to show that the song is a sad one. However, the ultimate example must go to Take That’s “Pray”, which has water dripping all over the semi-naked Boyband members (who also obsessively make Christ-like gestures).
I’m sure there are more than four archetypes, so please do share any I’ve missed. I nearly included slow motion, the “i’m looking down but now I’m going to look up into the camera” look, and levitation almost got a whole slot of its own. JLS are also currently bringing back a concept that I hope will take off: the “mime the words you’re singing” with their brilliant “forever and a day for you” actions in “Everybody In Love”. I tried to screen grab this but they are too talented and do it too fast for me to capture.
I’ll leave you with the ultimate Boyband video: Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love”. Whilst the song is a bit rubbish, the video is important. I like to think that, as this song marks the death of the ultimate Boyband (it was their last single before they split), all the archetypes are in meltdown.
1. Firstly, the mysterious female has gone evil. Rather than being the passive object of admiration for the Boyband, she is now in control! She has abused this power and kidnapped them all.
2. She has placed them in an urban interior (basement/warehouse) but they are all tied up and therefore unable to perform Christ-like gestures.
3. Evil mysterious female now takes them to dramatic exterior landscape – a cliff top. Hooray, we are in safe Boyband territory again! Oh no we’re not, she’s going to throw them off it!
4. And what does she throw them off into: yes, that’s right, water! Water kills the Boyband! And not even the stormy, dramatic sea; no, instead a lake by a motorway.*
*That’s a frustrated ex-english lit. student for you.
X Factor: The Final (Sunday’s Show)
Dec 14th
Disclaimer: writen at midnight after “Christmas Day”. Much food and alcohol consumed.
- So, we’re essentially back in 2002 right and it’s the final of Pop Idol: Will Young vs. Gareth Gates, when Simon thought that Gareth Gates was the next big superstar. However, the public defied Simon and decided that the much more interesting and relevant Will Young, who could inteligently interpret songs, was the winner. An important victory. Back to 2009 and the winner was the other way round. We’ve regressed. Even now, Joe isn’t trending on Twitter. It’ll be interesting to see how much his debut single sells this week: whether it’s Leona(571k)/Alex (576k) amounts or Leon (275k) amounts. This will be the first clue to how popular he might be…
- Whilst Olly sang “The Climb” almost entirely out of tune (as it was the Final, the Judges had to ignore the flat notes and convince us it was an incredible-never-heard-before-vocal), I sort of preferred his desperate, broken man version to Joe’s strangely soulless performance. As a contestant, Olly was interesting as it’s unusual to get someone good at the up tempo numbers but not so good at traditional ballads on the show. Literary Agent housemate also made a interesting comment that unlike the other contestants he actually leads the dancers. No mean feat.
- However, it seemed more likely that the Gospel Choir on “The Climb” would lead the contestants away: why were they dressed like hospital workers? They were here last year too, looking equally creepy. And that combined with the crazy cartoon silhouettes on the background of the weird house in the George Michael song? Fascinating: the X Factor entered a dark, intriguing place.
- Is it wrong to dislike Cheryl and Simon’s constant hugging of each other, like they’re a little gang against Dannii and Louis? It’s like playground bullies.
- Do we think they didn’t do the traditional “bring back the rubbish acts from the auditions” performance as this year one of the rubbish acts that would have normally been included actually got through and were lauded up as the best entertainment we’ve had in years?
-JLS and Alexandra: where to start. They smashed it. Why couldn’t it have been a three way thing with Leona joining in? Why can’t we just ignore the current contestants? Let’s go merrily into denial and remember last year instead. The clip below is amazing for so many reasons, which I will enumerate below (look, Guardian Editor and Literary Agent Housemate, I can use long words like enumerate and am therefore definitely worth approaching. This is my last X Factor blog post so I am not above desperate self-promotion):
1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.
2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.
3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.
4. Despite breaking down mid song with perfect overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.
5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.
- Oh my god, the voting stats are out. I’m fascinated. Worthy of a blog post in themselves I feel…
- And now, what on earth do I blog about now? Please do suggest!
X Factor: Week 4 Results (Rock)
Nov 1st
1. Oh, Derren Brown’s on the Xtra Factor! I wonder if he has heard of my mathematical formula? It worked this week Derren. Do you think Derren Brown subliminally manipulates his boyfriend into constantly making him tea? I have tried a very similar technique in my relationship with very limited success.
2. What’s the point in the judges picking who leaves if they go to deadlock *every* week? This was our chance to get rid of Lloyd, judges. But no, let’s keep him in so that now his teenage girl fans panic vote him into the final. Again, Louis made the most sense when voting: what is wrong with the world?
3. The most interesting thing that happened during Bon Jovi’s performance was the candle in our pumpkin suddenly got really bright.
4. Whoever makes the VTs for the celebrity singers needs an Oscar. They can make anything seem dramatic. Even the fact that JLS contains “Four Boys” felt significant. Oh and they are levitating! How exciting. Oh and now they’re coming back down. But they were quite good.
5. Danyl’s reaction to getting through just put him into the bottom two next week.
6. Why was Rachel bottom again? Partly because her tone of voice was great, but ever so slightly out of tune (she’ll sound better on record). Partly because she’s not a young boy that young girls will vote for. And partly because she didn’t have a “story”. But she did some great finger pointing when she sung and often used the microphone as an emotional crutch, which I always love. Boo to Lloyd.
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