The Difficult Second Album
Jun 27th
This is my big blogging comeback. Literary Agent Flatmate recently announced that my infrequent blogging makes me appear uncommitted to writing and therefore I am unlikely to be offered a significant £££ publishing deal. What about my existing back catalogue, I exclaim?! Not enough, apparently. And so I return.
Planning my comeback after a gap of three months, I now know exactly how famous musicians feel whilst writing the difficult second album. What do the public *want*, I ask, in a not dissimilar way to Gwen Stefani in her exciting self-referential song “What You Waiting For?”?. What currently is the most pressing issue in popular culture?
And then I suddenly realised: ah yes, the best way of determining this is to see what my fanbase are currently googling to find my blog!
I am both alarmed and intrigued by what people are googling to find my blog, but I feel the below list casts an illuminating light over what The People really, really want.
1. “Derren Brown’s boyfriend Mark”
The People are *obsessed* by Derren Brown’s boyfriend, who happens to be called Mark, and all 62 of them must have been very disappointed when they found my site because I once happened to mention Derren Brown’s boyfriend and I’m called Mark. The People’s obsession has led to me being slightly interested myself and therefore I invested ten minutes in a bit of googling. There is a disappointing lack of information on the interweb about Derren Brown’s boyfriend, Mark. I learn only that he is an interior designer. So I understand why the People are frustrated. Not even a picture.
2. “How do the duck and the hippo in the silent night advert make babies?”
I truly love all those who have, like me, also wondered about the Duck and Hippo’s unconventional relationship in the Silent Night Adverts. I have a vague recollection from Biology A Level that two different species can breed (i.e. a horse and a donkey, making a mule) but I imagine they have to be more genetically similar than a hippo and duck. Hope that helps.
Someone also asked: “is the hippo in the silent night advert married to the chick?”. To answer, it’s never been made clear, and there is no obvious wedding rings, but the assumption is yes. Either way, it’s weird and wrong.
3. “F**k I hate yoghurt adverts”
I hear you, I hear you. I also hear the person who asks google “what’s the plural of Petit Filous?”. I think the answer is, one petit filous is too infinitely small and pointless for the brain to comprehend and thereby technically they can only be seen in packs of six. Therefore, Petit Flious automatically refers to the plural. Hope that clears things up.
4. “What is Jason Orange doing right now?”
Why does my blog attract a small but worrying group of Jason Orange stalkers? What kind of internet site would tell you what Jason Orange is doing right now? Not mine, and I also can’t tell you what kind of women he’s into or where you can find naked photos of him.* But please do keep visiting the site.
5. “Can i just say I love how every northeaster ever knows Joe McElderry?”
Ha ha ha, of course you can. FYI, apparently there is a small statue to Joe McElderry in Edinburgh. I wonder if there’s also one of Michelle McManus in Glasgow? If so, I wonder if it is broken and deserted, just like Ozymandias? I’m really pleased by that reference, Literary Agent Flatmate
I can also answer the person who inquired “how much is Joe McElderry worth?”. The answer being, a George Michael-esque single that charts at no.2 and a similar fated album, followed by a successful stint in Joseph.
6. “Boyband Tied Up”.
Um, sometimes you lot freak me out a bit. And I’m not sure those googling this are actually interested in my blog post on how Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love” video symbolically depicts the disintegration of the archetypal Boyband video (which is where I mention the fact they are tied up).
7. “What is Lady Gaga’s blood group?”
Not a bloody clue. I also don’t know how she made her rib cage bleed at the MTV Music Awards. I guess I can sort of excuse the People’s curiosity about this, as Gaga has recently been touring with a blood fountain on stage. Some less disturbing Gaga googles have been “I hate pop but I love Gaga” (she’s great, isn’t she?), “Lady Gaga loves cats” (me too), “my boyfriend loves Lady Gaga” (good for him! Nothing to be alarmed about there) and “Lady Gaga the next big superstar” (I think you’ve missed the boat there).
8. “Build Me Up Buttercup Glee”
Why are you googling this? This could not happen, could it? The worst song of all time can’t appear in the best TV show of all time? Never! I would explode in confusion!
9. “I hate my birthday it’s so depressing“
I find this quite moving. Hope it wasn’t so rubbish this year. I feel the same way about New Year, FYI.
In fact, my blog seems to be a repository for people feeling a bit down. Over 1,000 people have googled “depressing songs” and found my post of the most depressing songs of all time. Which makes me feel a bit sad myself as my post on why I hate yoghurt adverts was much better.
10. “Suddenly the car was surrounded by what looked like giant bats”
Err, ok then, but I have no idea how my blog can help. Equally intriguing are “rubbing myself” (nice, but again how is my blog relevant?), “People who think they are cats” (I do think I’ve seen that Channel 5 documentary actually so have some thoughts on this) and “depressing party songs” (you should’ve come to our house party 3 years ago).
So there you go, my comeback. I feel quite invigorated by my return to blogging. And anyone who accuses me of rehashing my old material to create my “second album” is just wrong.
*Incidentally, I also don’t know what Shayne Ward’s favourite pastimes are. Sorry. At a guess, I’d say he probably likes a good night on the town but also enjoys the odd night in with some DVDs and a glass of wine.
The Archetypal Boyband Music Video
Jan 17th
My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy. This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.
Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:
1. The Christ-like Gesture:
This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.
Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):
Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?
2. Location:
The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” video below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change.
Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice fire escape in the background.
But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses a giant hot air balloon?
The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.
3. A mysterious female figure:
Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.
A special shout out must also be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video.
4. Water:
Ideally, the water is dripped on scantily clad Boyband members throughout the video. However, a sudden onrush of water can also be used to signal a dramatic moment in the song: for example, “Words” by Boyzone, where it unexpectedly starts raining inside a pub (strangely, no-one in pub seems that shocked). Take That’s “Back For Good” also uses rain nicely to show that the song is a sad one. However, the ultimate example must go to Take That’s “Pray”, which has water dripping all over the semi-naked Boyband members (who also obsessively make Christ-like gestures).
I’m sure there are more than four archetypes, so please do share any I’ve missed. I nearly included slow motion, the “i’m looking down but now I’m going to look up into the camera” look, and levitation almost got a whole slot of its own. JLS are also currently bringing back a concept that I hope will take off: the “mime the words you’re singing” with their brilliant “forever and a day for you” actions in “Everybody In Love”. I tried to screen grab this but they are too talented and do it too fast for me to capture.
I’ll leave you with the ultimate Boyband video: Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love”. Whilst the song is a bit rubbish, the video is important. I like to think that, as this song marks the death of the ultimate Boyband (it was their last single before they split), all the archetypes are in meltdown.
1. Firstly, the mysterious female has gone evil. Rather than being the passive object of admiration for the Boyband, she is now in control! She has abused this power and kidnapped them all.
2. She has placed them in an urban interior (basement/warehouse) but they are all tied up and therefore unable to perform Christ-like gestures.
3. Evil mysterious female now takes them to dramatic exterior landscape – a cliff top. Hooray, we are in safe Boyband territory again! Oh no we’re not, she’s going to throw them off it!
4. And what does she throw them off into: yes, that’s right, water! Water kills the Boyband! And not even the stormy, dramatic sea; no, instead a lake by a motorway.*
*That’s a frustrated ex-english lit. student for you.
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