If my first choice career of being approached by my Literary Agent Flatmate to write exciting novels on, err, Popular Culture somehow falls through, I do have a Plan B. Dream career Plan B involves establishing the World’s First School For Reality TV Stars. In this Academy, I’d train potential contestants on crucial elements such as how to create the strongest back story in a VT, how to perform a song so that people say you’ve made it your own, and, finally – but most importantly - how to react to your victory/getting voted out.

In fact, there will be a whole semester on the latter.

I was reminded of the importance of this by Wimbledon. Yesterday, lovely Federer was beaten by Berdych. On first watch, I thought Berdych’s reacted to this shock victory by, well, seemingly pointing and laughing at Federer. This is not good. If Wimbledon was decided by phone votes, Berdych would be out immediately in the next round.* 

Lucky for Berdych, Tennis isn’t decided by phone votes. Yet. But for when it is, here’s a taster of my masterclass on How To Win And Lose In Reality TV.

[EDIT: It may have been pointed out that Berdych is not actually pointing and laughing at Federer but at the crowd instead. So he's not horrible after all. But if he had, that would have been horrible, and therefore it would have been the perfect analogy to start my blog with. Nevermind.]

Rule Number 1: If you get voted out, don’t get angry.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest innovation has been taking the ”isn’t it sad you’ve been voted out” moment of TV talent shows to a new, shocking level, by forcing devastated voted-out contestants to sing a mocking musical number all about the fact they’ve been voted out. Fascinating and hideous.

Back in 2007, Andrew was hunting for the West End’s new Joseph in “Any Dream Will Do”. Seamus, the oldest contestant, was voted out in week three. Over-confident Seamus goes into meltdown at this result: firstly he looks like he wants to kill everybody. Secondly, he declares it’s all “a conspiracy theory” (i.e. “my mum tried to vote 19 times but kept getting the engaged tone”). Thirdly, he fights a bit with his fellow Josephs when they try to take his Technicolour Dreamcoat off him. And to top that all off, he even changes the lyrics of his eviction song, which would have come across as quite witty if he hadn’t proceeded to hit several notes that definitely weren’t meant to be in the song. Truly painful and yet amazing viewing. Just watch this clip.

Rule Number 2: If you win, blub like a trooper

Alexandra Burke’s reaction to winning the X Factor divides opinion, but I say collapsing on Cheryl Cole whilst blubbing like a maniac is an amazing way to do it. I’ve discussed the clip below before, but I’m not above rehashing old material so it’s worth me enumerating why it’s so great all over again: 

1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.

2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.

3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.

4. Despite breaking down mid song with overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.

5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.

Rule Number 3: Don’t react until you’re definitely sure you’ve won

Surely it could never happen that a Reality TV Host would ever get it wrong and announce the wrong person as the winner, could it? (Yes, it’s happened. So always count for 5 seconds before reacting).

Rule Number 4: If one of your friends gets voted out ,don’t run on stage at the end and steal their thunder.

I’m sure my house created the nickname “Eggnog” for Eoghan from X Factor. Either way, Eggnog made a major faux pas when he got through to the X Factor final and his bessie mate Diana Vickers got voted out. Diana Vickers is trying to finish her goodbye song with a bit of dignity. She’s barely finishing her last note before Eggnog’s running on stage shoving his face in the camera and trying to snog her. This is Diana’s moment, Eggnog. Move over. (Although I do find it sort of sweet. Sort of).

Rule Number 5: Be more like Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal’s reaction to his Best Supporting Actor BAFTA win back in 2006 is just the way to do it, on all counts. So if all else fails, try being more like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Rule Number 6: No matter how bad it feels when you lose, think about how yours fans are taking it.

I think this is my favourite reaction to, well, anything ever. Two girls react to Adam Lambert (wrongfully) losing in the final to American Idol. Why were they filming themselves? I have no idea, but it’s absolutely brilliant.

I’m still laughing.

*And Andy Roddick would be voted back in, mainly because he has amazing eyes.