What is the most depressing song of all time?
Jan 31st
It’s my birthday next week* and I am doing karaoke. I have been mulling over my song choices. I’m currently considering “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (I don’t care it’s out of season). I’m also keen on “Bleeding Love”, but my friends are trying to steer me away, fearing it is ambitious. I’m choosing carefully as in the past I have been known to unintentionally pick songs that kill dead the mood of the private karaoke box. Which brings me nicely onto this week’s blog post.
My iPod has gained a bit of a reputation amongst my friends as being bloody depressing. My ill-fated “house party playlist” showed me that songs I think are uplifting floor fillers are to others more sit-down-and-ponder-existential-suffering. Note: Karma Police by Radiohead does not get the party started.
So, scrolling through my iPod, I decided to create a cheerful blog post about the most depressing songs of all time. There have been many lists before that contain the usual suspects (Gary Jules “Mad World”, The Verve “The Drugs Don’t Work””, REM “Everybody Hurts”) so I’ve gone for an alternative list. I’ve even divided them into nice categories for your convenience. Please do contribute your own suggestions and thoughts in the comments below.
Just plain depressing (but good):
Sia – “Breathe Me”
You probably wont know this song but might recognize the instrumental that starts at 4:27, which is used in any emotional TV musical montage worth watching, along with the instrumental in Desree’s “Kissing You”. It was used as the finale song in the brilliant “Six Feet Under”, which is worthy of a hundred blog posts in itself. If you haven’t seen the final episode then skip on, but this song accompanies perhaps the best six minutes ever shown on TV. In these last minutes we see the future death of each character, who you have got to know over six seasons. Alan Ball is so clever he even manages to make everything six. Brilliant TV and a fitting song. I blubbed for approximately 24 hours after watching. Proper ugly blubbing, like Alexandra Burke when she won X Factor.
Arcade Fire – “Cold Wind”
Another song discovered through the “Six Feet Under” soundtrack: this one’s used to accompany the disappearance of the main character’s wife who vanishes one day. The song itself is about a man disappearing and by the time the funereal organ starts and the background singers start chanting “dead, dead, dead” (some say it’s “hey, hey, hey”, but I’m sure it’s not) it has got bloody depressing. But great.
Songs That Try To Be Depressing But Actually Are Just Funny
Eternal – “Don’t You Love Me”
Who could forget Eternal’s apocalyptic vision of the social chaos the world was descending into in 1997? Eternal went all “let’s put social messaging in our songs” with potent lyrical content like “why does granny have to walk the streets?” and “child goes to the store for a loaf of bread/bullets flying all around his head”. The child choir is the icing on the cake.
Mel C – “If That Were Me”
Mel C’s enlightened song about homelessness. It contains the lyric “I couldn’t live without my phone/But you don’t even have a home”. Possibly. The. Worst. Lyric. Ever.
Songs That No-One Else Finds Depressing But I Do:
The Foundations – “Build Me Up Buttercup”
I fully acknowledge that it is probably only me that finds this song soul achingly depressing. But I maintain that it is (in exclusively bad ways). There’s something about “Build Me Up Buttercup” that sums up every rubbish night out I had at university spent in a club I didn’t really want to be in, dancing to rubbish music with groups of people alternating between inappropriately snogging each other and crying. Those introductory bars are enough to make me shudder. Argh! This gets no video.
Sugababes – “About You Now”
An uplifting pop song (and the Sugababes’ best moment without Siobhan), this song was transformed for me by its inclusion in one of Hollyoaks’ better sequences. Now, before you laugh, Hollyoaks went through a stage a few years ago of breaking free of its trashy storylines about fit girls to produce some brilliant, innovative plots. One of the best, which should not have worked, was Max’s funeral. Steph, his widow, is a wannabe singer, but isn’t actually very good. When she stands up at Max’s funeral to sing “About You Now”, it absolutely *should* be hideous and silly. Instead, her a-cappella off key rendition is pretty touching, especially as the song sums up her regret at umm-ing and err-ing over Max before they got married.
Watch the brilliance here! It was the closest we got to making my housemate who never cries cry.
Songs That Are More Depressing Than They Seem:
David Gray – “The One I Love”
David Gray puts something into his chords that makes all his songs fill you with sad nostalgia. If any of my Internet Following is musically minded please do explain how he does this. “The One I Love”, my favourite of David’s songs, initially sounds like his most cheerful, with a chirpy jangly melody and the nice “tell the stars above/that you’re the one I love” chorus. Oh no no. Listen properly and you realize this song is actually sung by a man bleeding to death, hallucinating about his lover. Amazing.
Kelly Clarkson – “Because of You”
This song is obviously sad and on first listen seems like a typical power ballad sung by rejected ex. Oh no. In fact, it has some of the bleakest pop lyrics I know. Listen carefully and it’s actually about a child who’s been emotionally damaged by a parent (“I watched you die, I heard you cry/every night in your sleep/I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me”). The song gets darker as the music builds, culminating with Kelly telling us how ashamed she is of her life because it’s so empty. Few pop songs go this bleak.
There are so many more I could have written about (Mika’s “Happy Ending”, especially when the cuddly toys start crying in the video; George Michael’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me” – oh dear Lord, Peter Andre is releasing a version of this; Sinead O’Connor “Nothing Compares To You” – that one perfect tear in the video), but that’s enough for today. Glee is now on. To lighten the mood, I want to end with one of my favourite YouTube clips ever: Karen from Outnumbered pretending to be Gordon Ramsay and Nigella Lawson:
* Feel free to send me birthday emails/leave birthday comments/send presents. Or suggest karaoke songs.
X Factor The Final (Saturday’s show)
Dec 13th
Blog written under immense time pressure. I’m actually supposed to be celebrating Christmas Day today. Long story. (I’m realizing that my dream job of live blogging for the Guardian might be slightly stressful. However, I’m convinced I would thrive under such pressure, Guardian Editor. I am sure you’re part of my readership).
Will someone also tell The Boyfriend that saying comments like “you have to write it quickly today. And it better be good as this is the Final. This is the culmination of all your posts! Oh and the http://myfizzypop.blogspot.com/ blog is linking to yours and you have nothing there! So hurry up” don’t help one bit.*
“First Audition” Song:
In the battle of best Judges’ reaction, Dannii stormed Round 1. Excellent natural crying, Dannii; Cheryl, good attempt, but you teetered on the edge desperation; Simon, you couldn’t be bothered to emote.
So, Olly got full on slutty she-vampire choreography, including innovative wiggling across the floor underneath straddling she-vampires; Joe got a gospel choir whilst swirling fake clouds surrounded his feet; and Stacey got…a stool. Stacey’s legs have been identified as a key selling point so were on prominent display; Olly alienated me the moment he mimed “writing on the wall”; and Joe sang the perfect song for his target audience, 70 year old grannies. I have made a commitment to buy The Boyfriend every Joe album ever released in recognition of his support of Joe: I am confident this will be just the one purchase.
Did anyone else notice that when Cheryl said in the VT that Joe had star quality she looked down in shame?
I’m sure everyone was also moved by the frequent references to Olly’s hideous life before the X Factor. He was forced to work in an office! How shocking/unbearable.
Duets:
The duets are the most telling element of the final as they show who Ultimate Puppet MasterSimon would like to win. Who can forget the infamous occassion last year where Alexandra Burke got possibly the best duet ever** with Beyonce, poor JLS got Westlife and haven’t-got-a-chance Eggnog got Boyzone?
Stacey & Buble:
Buble is technically the least special of the three Celebrity Dueters: however, his album is selling bucket loads, so this was not as weak a choice as one might think. Stacey and Buble turned out to be a fantastic pairing: the voices sounded brilliant together and their flirty performance looked natural and classy. I loved it.
(But when Stacey spoke to introduce Buble it made me wish again that she had done at least one Kate Nash speaking/singing performance this season. This would have been truly relevant/authentic/believable!)
Joe and George Michael:
My favourite bit of this: George walks on and starts performing. Joe grins like a maniac. A verse and chorus passes and Joe awkwardly starts to realize that George might not let him sing again. Joe mouths along quietly. The smile drops:
Still, in the bits that Joe and George did get to sing together this was a vocal tour de force. He’d still make a rubbish winner though.
**A close rival to this is Take That and Leona below. This also includes the best ever post performance celebrity duet interview (a less niche category than you’d think), where Gary Barlow tells Simon that he better not give Leona the usual shit album he has for previous winners.
Best Song From The Series (am drastically running out of time. It’s nearly Christmas lunch).
Stacey:
Not as good vocally as first time round, but that first time was my favourite song sung all season. So we’ll let her off.
Olly:
Great performance. But why are we always pretending it’s the 1920s when Olly performs? And did Louis just call Olly sexy?
Joe:
Meh. And that despite him using the microphone as an emotional crutch, which is usually a safe bet for me.
Third Place:
No! An Olly/Joe show is a hideous prospect. Olly singing The Climb?! No.
In honour of Stacey, I post the direction I wish she’d taken:
*But thank you to The Lovely Boyfriend for creating this new website for me and for the commitment to provide ongoing technical support.
X Factor: Week 7 Results (George Michael & Wham week)
Nov 22nd
- Have I become desensitised or was the group performance of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” not utterly hideous? It had all the ingredients of being so, but somehow hovered around bearable.
- Taking my cynical hat off for one bullet point, I like that Reality TV has meant someone as unlikely as Susan Boyle now has a chance at a music career. Even if it also gave her a nervous breakdown. [EDIT: With further thought I'd disappointed. How much better would it have been if she'd have come back with a "Bleeding Love"/"Bad Boys" instead of that cover.]
- I think we’d have all preferred it if Mariah Carey had sung “All I Want For Christmas”. In fact I’d quite like it if she re-released “Fantasy/Dreamlover” (double A-side) every summer and “All I Want For Christmas” every December. Mariah had everything for her performance: the golden waterfall, the halo light, a gospel choir, indoor fireworks. It’s just a shame she doesn’t have the songs these days to match her voice. I refuse to acknowledge that she was miming and instead insist she can actually sing that well.
- Can I ever forgive her for the below remix (and video) though? Why is her eye sideways?
- My shocking mathematical formula was spot on! Sod my flawed instinct. I’m all Derren Brown.
- Why on earth did Twin Peaks choose “No Matter What” as their desperation song? Did they genuinely pick this? A song with singing and leaps between notes? Is it paranoid to suggest the Puppet Masters made them do this to ensure they’d go this time and save the show a small amount of credibility/believability/relevance?
- Having said that, Cheeky Chappy was quite out of tune too. And yet despite this, I still prefer him leaps and bounds to “very in tune” Joe and “normally in tune but occasionally wildly off tune” Danyl.
- In previous years, a winner has never been in the bottom 2 before. Which means, according to maths (which is my sole guide now), the winner is either Joe or Stacey. Please god let it be Stacey. Please. If Joe wins it will mean we’ve learnt nothing since 2001. Nothing! It would invalidate everything that the important victory of Will Young over Gareth Gates symbolised. Don’t let it happen people!!
- I now have a mint tea and am calm.
-I love Dannii. She’s getting rebellious against the Cowell. I think he might fire her, but still. I love her attitude.
X Factor: Week 7 Live Show (George Michael & Wham)
Nov 21st
I was distracted from writing tonight’s Blog by Katie Price and Kim from How Clean Is Your House eating kangaroo anus. Who would have predicted ten years ago that this would be common Saturday night TV? What kind of brainstorm in ITV’s boardrooms produced it? Maybe I should blog about that in my so far neglected Overarching Narrative.
Anyway, I was excited this week to discover a new but important way of assessing performances: whereas last week we were concerned if peoplej were “authentic”, this week they must be – new buzz word – “believable”.
Meanwhile, Cheryl Cole increased her believability by dressing as Mini Mouse.
The Empty Space Zac Efron Leaves When He Exits A Room (Lloyd):
The best thing about this performance was the audience’s awkward silence as they struggled to understand what Dannii meant when she complimented Lloyd’s falsetto.
The Puppet Masters often put the act first that they want out. However, Lloyd only sang one note very out of tune and has a new hair cut. He’s safe.
Stacey:
“I Can’t Make You Love Me” is George Michael’s best song lyrically [edit: he covered it, but is still the best song he's sung lyrically]. But a subtle song with intelligent lyrics from a little known double A side is perhaps not the best song choice, Danni.
After last week’s emotional powerhouse of a performance, Stacey let me down. This week’s VT showed the singing coach telling Stacey it was OK to cry when singing if she liked and I longed for maybe one or two perfect tears at the end of her performance. Instead, she committed the ultimate sin of grinning a bit at the beginning of a song which is all about realizing your partner doesn’t love you. She was also pitchy (less of a sin).
For the best ever example of crying on the X Factor, see below. This was a seminal X Factor moment for so many reasons. You have to watch from the beginning to the end:
Stacey’s big notes at the end had soaring power, but she needs to make sure the rest of the song is as good too.
Twin Peaks (John and Edward):
I found myself wondering if their Choose Life T-shirts were a kind of complicated ironic way of making us realize that voting for them meant some kind of musical death.
They may be vulnerable: their performance was just not horrific enough. I am, however, still fascinated by their twitching; watching it gives me the same feeling I get when I watch Nicola from Girls Aloud. I can’t take my eyes off the awkwardness.
Jedward’s parents still look broken.
Danyl:
Danyl started well with an interesting stripped down version of “Careless Whisper”. He then rapidly destroyed it by removing all subtlety and proceeded to aggressively shove massive notes in our faces. He also pointed to his feet when he sang about them being guilty which ruined everything (see Olly later).
Now merge over the top Danyl with under the top Stacey and you have something potentially great (Leona Lewis maybe? I hoped by merging their faces (my new favourite thing) I might in fact get Leona but instead got this):
I think it has a hint of Joe.
Cheeky Chappy (Olly):
Was each act encouraged to sing the first two lines in an entirely different key?*
Cheeky Chappy finally showed us he was contemporary by singing a song released over 13 years ago. It verged between being quite good to excruciating (mainly when he tried to look seductive by squinting, whilst singing a bit out of tune).
His real crime, however, were the actions he started doing towards the end of the song, like the phone hand when he referred to cupid calling him and the driving motion when he mentioned the BMW (please note Olly, when George sang “why don’t we make a little room in my BMW babe”, he’s not planning on driving in it).
Somehow I still like him.
Joe:
My Primary School Choir was ahead of it’s time: we did “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me” too. How relevant/authentic/believable of my Primary School. Next week one of the contestants will be doing a song from the musical we did about a chicken farm.
Back to Joe, and for the first time he conveyed some oomph and emotion whilst singing very in tune. It was a great Musical performance. Why is it that every year the judges claim that the boys could be the new Michael Buble? Joe is nothing like Michael Buble. Did you know that the average release date of the songs Joe sings is 1980? That’s how relevant/believable/authentic he is. Can you believe that I actually worked that out?
Bottom Two:
I sadly predict Stacey (not as good as last week + got OTT judges praise = always a bad combination) and Danyl (partly because this kind of bad PR is ramping up once again). With Jedward hovering around their too. But it’s cheating to guess three so discount Jedward.
[Mathematical Formula says Olly and Jedward. That'd be a shocker]
*The Boyfriend informs me that George often sings in a tricky key and proceeds to give me a hearty performance of “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On me”.
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