X Factor: The Final (Sunday’s Show)

Disclaimer: writen at midnight after “Christmas Day”. Much food and alcohol consumed.

- So, we’re essentially back in 2002 right and it’s the final of Pop Idol: Will Young vs. Gareth Gates, when Simon thought that Gareth Gates was the next big superstar. However, the public defied Simon and decided that the much more interesting and relevant Will Young, who could inteligently interpret songs, was the winner. An important victory. Back to 2009 and the winner was the other way round. We’ve regressed. Even now, Joe isn’t trending on Twitter. It’ll be interesting to see how much his debut single sells this week: whether it’s Leona(571k)/Alex (576k) amounts or Leon (275k) amounts. This will be the first clue to how popular he might be…

- Whilst Olly sang “The Climb” almost entirely out of tune (as it was the Final, the Judges had to ignore the flat notes and convince us it was an incredible-never-heard-before-vocal), I sort of preferred his desperate, broken man version to Joe’s strangely soulless performance. As a contestant, Olly was interesting as it’s unusual to get someone good at the up tempo numbers but not so good at traditional ballads on the show. Literary Agent housemate also made a interesting comment that unlike the other contestants he actually leads the dancers. No mean feat.

- However, it seemed more likely that the Gospel Choir on “The Climb” would lead the contestants away: why were they dressed like hospital workers? They were here last year too, looking equally creepy. And that combined with the crazy cartoon silhouettes on the background of the weird house in the George Michael song? Fascinating: the X Factor entered a dark, intriguing place.

- Is it wrong to dislike Cheryl and Simon’s constant hugging of each other, like they’re a little gang against Dannii and Louis? It’s like playground bullies.

- Do we think they didn’t do the traditional “bring back the rubbish acts from the auditions” performance as this year one of the rubbish acts that would have normally been included actually got through and were lauded up as the best entertainment we’ve had in years?

-JLS and Alexandra: where to start. They smashed it. Why couldn’t it have been a three way thing with Leona joining in? Why can’t we just ignore the current contestants? Let’s go merrily into denial and remember last year instead. The clip below is amazing for so many reasons, which I will enumerate below (look, Guardian Editor and Literary Agent Housemate, I can use long words like enumerate and am therefore definitely worth approaching. This is my last X Factor blog post so I am not above desperate self-promotion):

1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.

2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.

3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.

4. Despite breaking down mid song with perfect overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.

5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.

- Oh my god, the voting stats are out. I’m fascinated. Worthy of a blog post in themselves I feel…

 - And now, what on earth do I blog about now? Please do suggest!

 
P.S. I’ve finally learnt how to spell Dannii!

X Factor: Week 7 Results (George Michael & Wham week)

- Have I become desensitised or was the group performance of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” not utterly hideous? It had all the ingredients of being so, but somehow hovered around bearable.

- Taking my cynical hat off for one bullet point, I like that Reality TV has meant someone as unlikely as Susan Boyle now has a chance at a music career. Even if it also gave her a nervous breakdown. [EDIT: With further thought I'd disappointed. How much better would it have been if she'd have come back with a "Bleeding Love"/"Bad Boys" instead of that cover.]

- I think we’d have all preferred it if Mariah Carey had sung “All I Want For Christmas”. In fact I’d quite like it if she re-released “Fantasy/Dreamlover” (double A-side) every summer and “All I Want For Christmas” every December. Mariah had everything for her performance: the golden waterfall, the halo light, a gospel choir, indoor fireworks. It’s just a shame she doesn’t have the songs these days to match her voice. I refuse to acknowledge that she was miming and instead insist she can actually sing that well.

- Can I ever forgive her for the below remix (and video) though? Why is her eye sideways?

- My shocking mathematical formula was spot on! Sod my flawed instinct. I’m all Derren Brown.

- Why on earth did Twin Peaks choose “No Matter What” as their desperation song? Did they genuinely pick this? A song with singing and leaps between notes? Is it paranoid to suggest the Puppet Masters made them do this to ensure they’d go this time and save the show a small amount of credibility/believability/relevance?

- Having said that, Cheeky Chappy was quite out of tune too. And yet despite this, I still prefer him leaps and bounds to “very in tune” Joe and “normally in tune but occasionally wildly off tune” Danyl. 

- In previous years, a winner has never been in the bottom 2 before. Which means, according to maths (which is my sole guide now), the winner is either Joe or Stacey. Please god let it be Stacey. Please. If Joe wins it will mean we’ve learnt nothing since 2001. Nothing! It would invalidate everything that the important victory of Will Young over Gareth Gates symbolised. Don’t let it happen people!!

- I now have a mint tea and am calm.

-I love Dannii. She’s getting rebellious against the Cowell. I think he might fire her, but still. I love her attitude.