X Factor 2010: Week Two (Part One). Musical Heroes.
Oct 17th
How wise is it to blog after approximately five hours sleep spread across nine days? I think very wise. My lack of sleep has resulted in a heightened level of insight about the X Factor. Plus, I must continue the momentum following last week’s – so good I feel a bit uncomfortable about them – guest blog posts by The Boyfriend and Literary Agent Flatmate.
I return from abroad to find that, excitingly, Simon Cowell and I are one mind. Either that or he’s been reading my Blog (could he be the person who repeatedly googles “what’s Joe McElderry worth?” and lands on my Blog?). Like me, he apparantly wants a Weird X Factor, full of oddballs. The general public on the other hand are stupid. Nicolo and FYD both had some unique charm and were quite good. Read the rest of this entry »
Weird Factor 2010
Oct 3rd
This year, I want weird X Factor. And by that I don’t mean Jedward or Chico weird. What I want is a final 12 who are talented, but who are also a little left of the middle. Like Danyl from last year, who belted out diva songs, or Diana Vickers who performed with her back to the audience, or Rikki Loney who had an unusual eyebrow. Basically, I want Gaga – currently the most successful popstar on the planet – sprinkled over every performance. Imagine. (Not literally, Gaga). Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor 2010: a short list of observations to date
Sep 26th
The Boyfriend has been on at me for not blogging. Apparently, if I keep on at this rate I will lose my Internet Following (my housemates and myfizzypop are dangling by a thread, apparently). Also The Guardian/The X Factor Magazine/Literary Agents* have not been calling with job offers/a column/J K Rowling-equivalent publishing deals. I guess a few more Blog posts won’t do any harm then.
I emerge from semi-retirement with The X Factor 2010: a short list of eleven observations to date. Yes, that’s right, the odd number of 11. Here goes: Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor: the five best performances of all time
Aug 21st
We’ve had the first X Factor episode of 2010 and 2.5 – yes 2.5 – of my predictions have already materialised. That’s no.2, no.3 and half of no.8. (It looks like Joe Celery’s* album might not be gracing my CD shelves after all).
I’m going to save my main X Factor blogging for the Live Finals and, instead, this week I’ve been inspired by a recent Guardian article on the six best X Factor performances of all time. (I also figure that if I send the Guardian web traffic they might be more willing to approach me to Live Blog for them). However, I do feel the Guardian missed a few classics. So below are five more for inclusion. Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor 2010: 10 Things That Will Definitely Happen
Aug 20th
THE X FACTOR IS BACK. This is *significant* news. Not only does this mean that it’s very nearly Christmas, it also means that I am officially back, blogging with a vengeance! *Screams of delight from Internet Following (aka Flatmates)*.
For my first official X Factor post of 2010 *scream*, I have decided to publish 10 things that will definitely happen this year *gasp*. The aim of this post is that when each comes true I will be officially recognised as the Voice of Popular Culture and quickly approached to live blog for the Guardian *nods of agreement*.
(I’ve decided it’s best to tell readers exactly how to react to the Blog).
So here we go:
1. Grandparents will be inordinately mentioned (an average of at least four mentions per episode. I will be counting).
Whilst it’s great that most people love their grandparents, an average X Factor episode includes at least four contestants wailing backstage that if they miss the big note, a grandparent will spontaneously implode.
This year it will be taken up a notch, with a Live Final Group being actually composed of grandchild and grandparent, so that grandchild can directly wail/cry at grandparent (voted out week 3).
2. A pair will audition. One will be told they’re quite good; the other rubbish. Simon will tell them that if the quite good one comes back alone, they’ve got a chance.
The quite good one will come back alone. They won’t have a chance.
3. The songs chosen will almost be entirely from Glee.
As much as I love it, the X Factor favours replication over innovation and the songs from Glee are tested crowd-pleasers.
There will almost certainly be mash-ups.
4. Louis will put someone through simply because they’re Irish.
I’m thinking the Conway Sisters, I’m thinking Jedward. I’m thinking the McDougal Brothers (whoops, they were Scottish).
5. A failed ex-Boyband member will audition.
The poor fellow will be put all the way through to Judges’ Houses before being rejected. Again.
6. The Judges will pick their top 24. The Judges will then be filmed driving away and Simon will say “I think we’ve made a mistake”. They will then put someone through at the last minute.
This will definitely happen.
7. A girl group will be voted out first week.
Ideally they will be dressed like strippers. Just because this always works well for a group. It’s tradition.
8. There will be Gaga.
The premise of the X Factor has always been to, well, duh, find somebody with the X Factor, that little bit special and unique. Simon Cowell recently said that Lady Gaga was “the most relevant pop artist in the world at the moment”. Any fan of the X Factor will know that this is MASSIVE PRAISE as being relevant is the greatest compliment an artist could ever get. The X Factor/Pop Idol has previously flirted with artists who are truly interesting, quirky and unique (Diana Vickers, Rhydian, Adam Lambert): and I think this year will be full of Gaga-esque performers. This means quirky females with attitude, who occasionally do something shocking on stage. They won’t win, as the quirky ones never do. But they’ll get quite far.
Either way, someone will do Bad Romance. I can just feel it. It won’t be good. Or it will be amazing. I’m not sure. Whatever happens, there will definitely be cat gestures.
9. The 28’s and over category will be comprised of three 28 year olds.
The over 25s category used to be one of the hardest to mentor; until last year, that was, when they finally worked out that you could fill it with 25 year olds. This year they’ve upped the age limit of this category and – if they have sense – they’ll fill it with 28 year olds (I’m nearly 28 and I could definitely still be a successful popstar). That is unless Louis Walsh gets the category, which he would fill with an 80 year old called Bert (who is Irish).
10. A group will win.
X Factor has shown it can produce successful female winners (Leona, Alexandra) and that it usually doesn’t produce successful male winners (Steve, Leon, Shayne). Following JLS, 2010 is the year to show a group can win. Cheryl will therefore get the groups.
If at least 50% of these don’t happen I will buy Joe McElderry’s album.
I can’t wait! Please share your own predictions below.
P.S. 11. No one will be as good as Diana Vickers.
Misheard Lyrics
Jul 18th
I recently did an impressive performance of Diana Vickers’ “Once” at Karaoke. It’s hard to repeat the word “Once” 45 times and not lose your audience, but I think I managed it. Literary Agent Flatmate was there too and was shocked to discover the lyric that leads into each chorus isn’t “I’m gonna get the b**tch who killed me / Once (x45)”, but is actually “I’m only gonna let you kill me / Once (x45)”. I truly wish Vickers had sung Literary Agent Flatmate’s lyric and thereby delivered the first ever pop song from the perspective of a dead person, seeking revenge.
Literary Agent Flatmate’s mistake got me thinking about the other misheard lyrics I’ve come across and how they can change a song’s meaning. Half a day later, I had a top 10 and a blog post. So here are my favourite for you; and please add your own in the comments.
1. Grease: “You’re The One That I Want”
9 years ago my friend Lucy rightly pointed out that the cast of Grease actually sing “you’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)” rather than this widely believed “you’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”. The pretentious ex-English Lit student part of me is convinced an amazing Lyricist put this in as a subversive comment on the depressing ending of Grease. Small hollow shells of puff pastry, after all, are a pretty good metaphor for the person Sandy has to become to make Danny like her.
Misheard: “You’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)”
Actual: “You’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”
2. Celine Dion: “My Heart Will Go On”
Misheard: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the hot dogs go on”
Actual: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on”
Any attempt to take Titanic seriously was ruined by the French & Saunders parody. The final nail in the coffin was The Boyfriend pointing out that Celine is actually singing about an impossibly long, omnipresent hot dog.
3. Lady Gaga: “Alejandro”
I think there might be something about me and food. Because my third mishearing is:
Misheard: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, no vindaloos”
Actual: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, nothing to lose”
Incidentally, is “hot like Mexico” the best ever simile in a song? Probably yes.
4. Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”
Misheard: “I can’t believe you kiss your [expletive too rude for this family friendly blog] at night”
Actual: “I can’t believe you kiss your car good night”
We used to be allowed the the radio on in class when I studied A Level Art back in the early noughties and every time this song came on the whole class would all sing, shouting out the misheard line. The misheard and actual phrases sound so similar the teacher never realised we were being rude, which was really hilarious. Once you have the first line in your head, you can never hear the real lyrics again. (Shania is right to express disbelief at either scenario).
5. Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”
Misheard: “You’re a regular Reginald, know it all”
Actual: “You’re a regular, original, know it all”
Another from Shania, this mistake was actually made by a karaoke machine and has now stuck. The karaoke machine was much more inventive than the original lyricist: what name better embodies the concept of a “know it all” than Reginald? Apologies to any Reginald’s in my Internet Following.
5. Janet Jackson: “When I Think Of You”
For years, I was convinced that Janet Jackson sung the words “baked bean” in “When I Think Of You”. I now admit that I was probably wrong.
Misheard: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), baked bean (so in love)”.
Actual: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), ba-by (so in love)”.
6. Des’ree: “Kissing You”
Is Des’ree’s Kissing You one of the greatest songs never released? Possibly yes. Even if it is lyrically incomprehensible. For years Literary Agent Flatmate believed the opening lyrics were:
Misheard: “While I can stand a thousand trials, Mr Wrong will never fall. The marching stars, without you my soul cries. Bleeding heart…”
Actual: “Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall. But watching stars without you, my soul cries. Heaving heart…”
Essentially, quite different songs.
7. Mariah Carey: “Without You”
Misheard: “No, I can’t forget the ceiling, or your face as you were leaving”
Actual: “No, I can’t forget this evening, or your face as you were leaving”
I always loved the idea that Mariah (even though she didn’t write it, and it’s a cover) was being really clever here and suggesting she’d spent all night unable to sleep, pondered her about-to-end relationship, and therefore had been staring at the ceiling for approximately 12 hours. For me that whole pre-story was summed up in those first six words. Never mind. A much ruder mishearing of this song is here.
8. Lady Gaga: “Bad Romance”
Misheard: “I want your psycho, your vertical stick. Want you tomorrow when no baby is sick.”
Actual: “I want your psycho, your vertigo stick. Want you in my rear window, baby you’re sick”
I had no idea what Gaga was on about here (although I suspected that “vertical stick” was a bad Mills & Boons-esque euphemism and I’d also constructed a small back story around Gaga’s love interest in Bad Romance being married; and his child was ill today so he had to cancel their rendezvous). In actuality, Gaga is being much cleverer than I could have imagined and referring to a range of Hitchcock movies: Psycho, Vertigo and Rear Window. I *actually* love her.
9. Take That: “Back For Good”
My housemate was convinced that Gary Barlow was singing “Wash your back” rather than “want you back” throughout this song. I also thought that Barlow sung: “we will never be uncommon again” when it’s actually “uncovered again”. Neither of these interpretations make any sense, but I’m at number nine and struggling a bit, so they will do nicely.
Misheard: “Want you back for good (wash your back, wash your back)”
Actual: “Want you back for good (want you back, want you back)”
10. Bowling For Soup: “Girl All The Bad Guys Want”
Misheard: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching West Wing”
Actual: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching Wrestling”
Suggested by one of my Twitter friends, I wish the song did actually refer to the popular American TV series, the West Wing. And that watching it was the epitome of cool. Excitingly, this is the first time the blog has ventured into the musical genre of pop-punk.
Fell free to share your own in the comments section! And visit this brilliant website for more.
Ten Revelations
Jul 7th
Every year, me and my friends have a fake Christmas day about a week before Christmas. It’s pretty much exactly like Wham’s Last Christmas video. Last year, I was in charge of entertainment and took this opportunity to pioneer an exciting new game, called Share A Shocking Revelation. One by one we went round the table and admitted something shocking (“I hate Disney”; “I’ve been to 11 Boyzone concerts”; “I have a fear of walking over three drains in a row”) and we all felt much better for getting it out in the open. So, Internet Following, shall we play? I’ll start – with 10 revelations:
1. I hate cartoons.
According to my mum, as a child I refused to watch cartoons “because they are not real”. This has continued into adulthood where I still believe there is nothing worse than the bit in Mary Poppins when it becomes a cartoon. Why couldn’t they have got a load of real animals and made it look like they were singing?
2. I don’t think Ross and Rachel should have ended up together in Friends.
I love Friends, but the last episode was pretty rubbish. Made all the worse by the fact that at this point in the series Ross had become a caricature of himself and him and Rachel hadn’t bothered dating for at least six seasons. So when they suddenly got together at the end of the last episode it just didn’t feel real. Like cartoons.
3. I think Diana Vickers is the best thing to have come out of the X Factor.
Yes, better than Leona. I know, I know, she can’t sing as well but I love her quirky pop and even the claw. Watch, for example, this amazing video where she acts out the whole of her song with the claw, including being stabbed by an arrow just before each chorus.
Does it matter that I only understand three words in the song? No.
4. I think Build Me Up Buttercup is the worst song of all time.
Yes, worse even than Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping”. There’s something about “Build Me Up Buttercup” that sums up every rubbish night out I had at university spent in a club I didn’t really want to be in, dancing to rubbish music with groups of people alternating between inappropriately snogging each other and crying. Those introductory bars are enough to make me shudder.
5. I spent 26 years of my life believing that Wolves were not real.
When during an important work meeting I announced that wolves weren’t real, but were in fact mythical beasts, I genuinely believed it.
6. If it had been an Andy Murray & Andy Roddick Wimbledon final, I would have supported Roddick.
Shocking, I know and completely unpatriotic. But it’s very much my rule in sport that everyone should win at least once and Federer was a bit selfish last year when he beat Roddick when he’d already won five times before. So I felt it was Roddick’s year. Plus Roddick has really nice eyes.
7. I think ice-cream is too cold.
I also think generally it’s a waste of time. Bring me a bowl of custard instead any day.
8. I often secretly watch Price Drop TV.
I find these programmes sickly addictive and am getting increasingly persuaded to nearly buy things. Like these amazing vacuum-suction storage bags I saw on the other night. They look amazing! Really good value too.
9. I once went to a Boyzone concert (just to support the friend who’s been 11 times) and got so drunk I was sick on the tube on the way home.
In my defence, the tickets were free and we had a free box at the O2. There is nothing to excuse the vomiting on the tube or the fact that I know all the actions to “A Different Beat” (a song that incomprehensibly rhymes “Africa” with “Niagara”).
10. I find Derren Brown attractive
Maybe everyone does and that confusing TV show he did where he predicted the lottery results was actually full of subliminal message around his attractiveness? Maybe.
There we go Internet Following. Now please share some of yours. So that I feel less humiliated.
How To Be More Like Jake Gyllenhaal
Jul 1st
If my first choice career of being approached by my Literary Agent Flatmate to write exciting novels on, err, Popular Culture somehow falls through, I do have a Plan B. Dream career Plan B involves establishing the World’s First School For Reality TV Stars. In this Academy, I’d train potential contestants on crucial elements such as how to create the strongest back story in a VT, how to perform a song so that people say you’ve made it your own, and, finally – but most importantly - how to react to your victory/getting voted out.
In fact, there will be a whole semester on the latter.
I was reminded of the importance of this by Wimbledon. Yesterday, lovely Federer was beaten by Berdych. On first watch, I thought Berdych’s reacted to this shock victory by, well, seemingly pointing and laughing at Federer. This is not good. If Wimbledon was decided by phone votes, Berdych would be out immediately in the next round.*
Lucky for Berdych, Tennis isn’t decided by phone votes. Yet. But for when it is, here’s a taster of my masterclass on How To Win And Lose In Reality TV.
[EDIT: It may have been pointed out that Berdych is not actually pointing and laughing at Federer but at the crowd instead. So he's not horrible after all. But if he had, that would have been horrible, and therefore it would have been the perfect analogy to start my blog with. Nevermind.]
Rule Number 1: If you get voted out, don’t get angry.
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest innovation has been taking the ”isn’t it sad you’ve been voted out” moment of TV talent shows to a new, shocking level, by forcing devastated voted-out contestants to sing a mocking musical number all about the fact they’ve been voted out. Fascinating and hideous.
Back in 2007, Andrew was hunting for the West End’s new Joseph in “Any Dream Will Do”. Seamus, the oldest contestant, was voted out in week three. Over-confident Seamus goes into meltdown at this result: firstly he looks like he wants to kill everybody. Secondly, he declares it’s all “a conspiracy theory” (i.e. “my mum tried to vote 19 times but kept getting the engaged tone”). Thirdly, he fights a bit with his fellow Josephs when they try to take his Technicolour Dreamcoat off him. And to top that all off, he even changes the lyrics of his eviction song, which would have come across as quite witty if he hadn’t proceeded to hit several notes that definitely weren’t meant to be in the song. Truly painful and yet amazing viewing. Just watch this clip.
Rule Number 2: If you win, blub like a trooper
Alexandra Burke’s reaction to winning the X Factor divides opinion, but I say collapsing on Cheryl Cole whilst blubbing like a maniac is an amazing way to do it. I’ve discussed the clip below before, but I’m not above rehashing old material so it’s worth me enumerating why it’s so great all over again:
1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.
2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.
3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.
4. Despite breaking down mid song with overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.
5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.
Rule Number 3: Don’t react until you’re definitely sure you’ve won
Surely it could never happen that a Reality TV Host would ever get it wrong and announce the wrong person as the winner, could it? (Yes, it’s happened. So always count for 5 seconds before reacting).
Rule Number 4: If one of your friends gets voted out ,don’t run on stage at the end and steal their thunder.
I’m sure my house created the nickname “Eggnog” for Eoghan from X Factor. Either way, Eggnog made a major faux pas when he got through to the X Factor final and his bessie mate Diana Vickers got voted out. Diana Vickers is trying to finish her goodbye song with a bit of dignity. She’s barely finishing her last note before Eggnog’s running on stage shoving his face in the camera and trying to snog her. This is Diana’s moment, Eggnog. Move over. (Although I do find it sort of sweet. Sort of).
Rule Number 5: Be more like Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal’s reaction to his Best Supporting Actor BAFTA win back in 2006 is just the way to do it, on all counts. So if all else fails, try being more like Jake Gyllenhaal.
Rule Number 6: No matter how bad it feels when you lose, think about how yours fans are taking it.
I think this is my favourite reaction to, well, anything ever. Two girls react to Adam Lambert (wrongfully) losing in the final to American Idol. Why were they filming themselves? I have no idea, but it’s absolutely brilliant.
I’m still laughing.
*And Andy Roddick would be voted back in, mainly because he has amazing eyes.
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