Ten Revelations
Jul 7th
Every year, me and my friends have a fake Christmas day about a week before Christmas. It’s pretty much exactly like Wham’s Last Christmas video. Last year, I was in charge of entertainment and took this opportunity to pioneer an exciting new game, called Share A Shocking Revelation. One by one we went round the table and admitted something shocking (“I hate Disney”; “I’ve been to 11 Boyzone concerts”; “I have a fear of walking over three drains in a row”) and we all felt much better for getting it out in the open. So, Internet Following, shall we play? I’ll start – with 10 revelations:
1. I hate cartoons.
According to my mum, as a child I refused to watch cartoons “because they are not real”. This has continued into adulthood where I still believe there is nothing worse than the bit in Mary Poppins when it becomes a cartoon. Why couldn’t they have got a load of real animals and made it look like they were singing?
2. I don’t think Ross and Rachel should have ended up together in Friends.
I love Friends, but the last episode was pretty rubbish. Made all the worse by the fact that at this point in the series Ross had become a caricature of himself and him and Rachel hadn’t bothered dating for at least six seasons. So when they suddenly got together at the end of the last episode it just didn’t feel real. Like cartoons.
3. I think Diana Vickers is the best thing to have come out of the X Factor.
Yes, better than Leona. I know, I know, she can’t sing as well but I love her quirky pop and even the claw. Watch, for example, this amazing video where she acts out the whole of her song with the claw, including being stabbed by an arrow just before each chorus.
Does it matter that I only understand three words in the song? No.
4. I think Build Me Up Buttercup is the worst song of all time.
Yes, worse even than Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping”. There’s something about “Build Me Up Buttercup” that sums up every rubbish night out I had at university spent in a club I didn’t really want to be in, dancing to rubbish music with groups of people alternating between inappropriately snogging each other and crying. Those introductory bars are enough to make me shudder.
5. I spent 26 years of my life believing that Wolves were not real.
When during an important work meeting I announced that wolves weren’t real, but were in fact mythical beasts, I genuinely believed it.
6. If it had been an Andy Murray & Andy Roddick Wimbledon final, I would have supported Roddick.
Shocking, I know and completely unpatriotic. But it’s very much my rule in sport that everyone should win at least once and Federer was a bit selfish last year when he beat Roddick when he’d already won five times before. So I felt it was Roddick’s year. Plus Roddick has really nice eyes.
7. I think ice-cream is too cold.
I also think generally it’s a waste of time. Bring me a bowl of custard instead any day.
8. I often secretly watch Price Drop TV.
I find these programmes sickly addictive and am getting increasingly persuaded to nearly buy things. Like these amazing vacuum-suction storage bags I saw on the other night. They look amazing! Really good value too.
9. I once went to a Boyzone concert (just to support the friend who’s been 11 times) and got so drunk I was sick on the tube on the way home.
In my defence, the tickets were free and we had a free box at the O2. There is nothing to excuse the vomiting on the tube or the fact that I know all the actions to “A Different Beat” (a song that incomprehensibly rhymes “Africa” with “Niagara”).
10. I find Derren Brown attractive
Maybe everyone does and that confusing TV show he did where he predicted the lottery results was actually full of subliminal message around his attractiveness? Maybe.
There we go Internet Following. Now please share some of yours. So that I feel less humiliated.
The Difficult Second Album
Jun 27th
This is my big blogging comeback. Literary Agent Flatmate recently announced that my infrequent blogging makes me appear uncommitted to writing and therefore I am unlikely to be offered a significant £££ publishing deal. What about my existing back catalogue, I exclaim?! Not enough, apparently. And so I return.
Planning my comeback after a gap of three months, I now know exactly how famous musicians feel whilst writing the difficult second album. What do the public *want*, I ask, in a not dissimilar way to Gwen Stefani in her exciting self-referential song “What You Waiting For?”?. What currently is the most pressing issue in popular culture?
And then I suddenly realised: ah yes, the best way of determining this is to see what my fanbase are currently googling to find my blog!
I am both alarmed and intrigued by what people are googling to find my blog, but I feel the below list casts an illuminating light over what The People really, really want.
1. “Derren Brown’s boyfriend Mark”
The People are *obsessed* by Derren Brown’s boyfriend, who happens to be called Mark, and all 62 of them must have been very disappointed when they found my site because I once happened to mention Derren Brown’s boyfriend and I’m called Mark. The People’s obsession has led to me being slightly interested myself and therefore I invested ten minutes in a bit of googling. There is a disappointing lack of information on the interweb about Derren Brown’s boyfriend, Mark. I learn only that he is an interior designer. So I understand why the People are frustrated. Not even a picture.
2. “How do the duck and the hippo in the silent night advert make babies?”
I truly love all those who have, like me, also wondered about the Duck and Hippo’s unconventional relationship in the Silent Night Adverts. I have a vague recollection from Biology A Level that two different species can breed (i.e. a horse and a donkey, making a mule) but I imagine they have to be more genetically similar than a hippo and duck. Hope that helps.
Someone also asked: “is the hippo in the silent night advert married to the chick?”. To answer, it’s never been made clear, and there is no obvious wedding rings, but the assumption is yes. Either way, it’s weird and wrong.
3. “F**k I hate yoghurt adverts”
I hear you, I hear you. I also hear the person who asks google “what’s the plural of Petit Filous?”. I think the answer is, one petit filous is too infinitely small and pointless for the brain to comprehend and thereby technically they can only be seen in packs of six. Therefore, Petit Flious automatically refers to the plural. Hope that clears things up.
4. “What is Jason Orange doing right now?”
Why does my blog attract a small but worrying group of Jason Orange stalkers? What kind of internet site would tell you what Jason Orange is doing right now? Not mine, and I also can’t tell you what kind of women he’s into or where you can find naked photos of him.* But please do keep visiting the site.
5. “Can i just say I love how every northeaster ever knows Joe McElderry?”
Ha ha ha, of course you can. FYI, apparently there is a small statue to Joe McElderry in Edinburgh. I wonder if there’s also one of Michelle McManus in Glasgow? If so, I wonder if it is broken and deserted, just like Ozymandias? I’m really pleased by that reference, Literary Agent Flatmate
I can also answer the person who inquired “how much is Joe McElderry worth?”. The answer being, a George Michael-esque single that charts at no.2 and a similar fated album, followed by a successful stint in Joseph.
6. “Boyband Tied Up”.
Um, sometimes you lot freak me out a bit. And I’m not sure those googling this are actually interested in my blog post on how Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love” video symbolically depicts the disintegration of the archetypal Boyband video (which is where I mention the fact they are tied up).
7. “What is Lady Gaga’s blood group?”
Not a bloody clue. I also don’t know how she made her rib cage bleed at the MTV Music Awards. I guess I can sort of excuse the People’s curiosity about this, as Gaga has recently been touring with a blood fountain on stage. Some less disturbing Gaga googles have been “I hate pop but I love Gaga” (she’s great, isn’t she?), “Lady Gaga loves cats” (me too), “my boyfriend loves Lady Gaga” (good for him! Nothing to be alarmed about there) and “Lady Gaga the next big superstar” (I think you’ve missed the boat there).
8. “Build Me Up Buttercup Glee”
Why are you googling this? This could not happen, could it? The worst song of all time can’t appear in the best TV show of all time? Never! I would explode in confusion!
9. “I hate my birthday it’s so depressing“
I find this quite moving. Hope it wasn’t so rubbish this year. I feel the same way about New Year, FYI.
In fact, my blog seems to be a repository for people feeling a bit down. Over 1,000 people have googled “depressing songs” and found my post of the most depressing songs of all time. Which makes me feel a bit sad myself as my post on why I hate yoghurt adverts was much better.
10. “Suddenly the car was surrounded by what looked like giant bats”
Err, ok then, but I have no idea how my blog can help. Equally intriguing are “rubbing myself” (nice, but again how is my blog relevant?), “People who think they are cats” (I do think I’ve seen that Channel 5 documentary actually so have some thoughts on this) and “depressing party songs” (you should’ve come to our house party 3 years ago).
So there you go, my comeback. I feel quite invigorated by my return to blogging. And anyone who accuses me of rehashing my old material to create my “second album” is just wrong.
*Incidentally, I also don’t know what Shayne Ward’s favourite pastimes are. Sorry. At a guess, I’d say he probably likes a good night on the town but also enjoys the odd night in with some DVDs and a glass of wine.
X Factor: Week 7 Results (George Michael & Wham week)
Nov 22nd
- Have I become desensitised or was the group performance of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” not utterly hideous? It had all the ingredients of being so, but somehow hovered around bearable.
- Taking my cynical hat off for one bullet point, I like that Reality TV has meant someone as unlikely as Susan Boyle now has a chance at a music career. Even if it also gave her a nervous breakdown. [EDIT: With further thought I'd disappointed. How much better would it have been if she'd have come back with a "Bleeding Love"/"Bad Boys" instead of that cover.]
- I think we’d have all preferred it if Mariah Carey had sung “All I Want For Christmas”. In fact I’d quite like it if she re-released “Fantasy/Dreamlover” (double A-side) every summer and “All I Want For Christmas” every December. Mariah had everything for her performance: the golden waterfall, the halo light, a gospel choir, indoor fireworks. It’s just a shame she doesn’t have the songs these days to match her voice. I refuse to acknowledge that she was miming and instead insist she can actually sing that well.
- Can I ever forgive her for the below remix (and video) though? Why is her eye sideways?
- My shocking mathematical formula was spot on! Sod my flawed instinct. I’m all Derren Brown.
- Why on earth did Twin Peaks choose “No Matter What” as their desperation song? Did they genuinely pick this? A song with singing and leaps between notes? Is it paranoid to suggest the Puppet Masters made them do this to ensure they’d go this time and save the show a small amount of credibility/believability/relevance?
- Having said that, Cheeky Chappy was quite out of tune too. And yet despite this, I still prefer him leaps and bounds to “very in tune” Joe and “normally in tune but occasionally wildly off tune” Danyl.
- In previous years, a winner has never been in the bottom 2 before. Which means, according to maths (which is my sole guide now), the winner is either Joe or Stacey. Please god let it be Stacey. Please. If Joe wins it will mean we’ve learnt nothing since 2001. Nothing! It would invalidate everything that the important victory of Will Young over Gareth Gates symbolised. Don’t let it happen people!!
- I now have a mint tea and am calm.
-I love Dannii. She’s getting rebellious against the Cowell. I think he might fire her, but still. I love her attitude.
X Factor: Week 4 Results (Rock)
Nov 1st
1. Oh, Derren Brown’s on the Xtra Factor! I wonder if he has heard of my mathematical formula? It worked this week Derren. Do you think Derren Brown subliminally manipulates his boyfriend into constantly making him tea? I have tried a very similar technique in my relationship with very limited success.
2. What’s the point in the judges picking who leaves if they go to deadlock *every* week? This was our chance to get rid of Lloyd, judges. But no, let’s keep him in so that now his teenage girl fans panic vote him into the final. Again, Louis made the most sense when voting: what is wrong with the world?
3. The most interesting thing that happened during Bon Jovi’s performance was the candle in our pumpkin suddenly got really bright.
4. Whoever makes the VTs for the celebrity singers needs an Oscar. They can make anything seem dramatic. Even the fact that JLS contains “Four Boys” felt significant. Oh and they are levitating! How exciting. Oh and now they’re coming back down. But they were quite good.
5. Danyl’s reaction to getting through just put him into the bottom two next week.
6. Why was Rachel bottom again? Partly because her tone of voice was great, but ever so slightly out of tune (she’ll sound better on record). Partly because she’s not a young boy that young girls will vote for. And partly because she didn’t have a “story”. But she did some great finger pointing when she sung and often used the microphone as an emotional crutch, which I always love. Boo to Lloyd.
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