Before Mark left to save the world, I said to him, ‘Please…you just have to give me this one chance. This is what I’ve dreamed of all my life. This is what it’s all been about. You won’t regret it. I HAVE ANCESTORS WHO DIED!’ And he said, ‘Literary Agent Flatmate, despite the fact that you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, I will let you blog in my absence. But because you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, you will blog the rubbish results show on Sunday night. The Boyfriend will blog the proper show.’

And a very good job he did of it too. I cannot give you the fancy graphics or the Twitter Vox Pop of The Boyfriend’s blogging; nor can I offer the dry wit and encyclopedic knowledge of Mark himself. But I haven’t watched x number of X Factors (see what I did there?) without learning a little something about overcoming a lack of special talent. So tonight I’m all about the Novelty Factor. That’s right – I will be LIVEBLOGGING! It’s never been done before!*

20.00: And so it begins. OMG! Joe McElderry and Usher on the same freaking show! (Sorry, that should be frickin’) Have these two megamen of music ever shared the stage before? Is a duet too much to hope for? Where did those screaming Joe fans get bussed in from? Not-entirely-unrelated-question: where is noted Joe fan The Boyfriend tonight?

20.03: I have always loved that the judges emerge to the EPIC music from Romeo + Juliet (it may well be a piece of famous classical music too…) but then there’s always the slight disappointment that follows when I realise there will be no Leonardo DiCaprio, no warring families, no crazy tropical fish. Well, never say never about the crazy tropical fish. Actually, on reflection, I’m surprised Brian hasn’t gone there already. Only a matter of time…

20.04: Ah, the first Group of Groups effort of the season. It took me a while to recognise the song, but gosh they were trying. Trying like a particularly “enthusiastic” school choir of the kind that parents must dread having to smile and clap along to. PUSH HER DOWN THE STAIRS, TREYC! That was her big chance to get rid of Mini Cheryl! Mind you, all the Girls look particularly fierce tonight, especially as they strut towards the Boys who look intimidated and inadequate. It’s like every school disco I didn’t go to. Quite sweetly, the Over 28s are combining forces to help Mary From Tesco down the stairs. While everyone else waves their hands in the air like they just don’t care, Wagner seems to be trying to swat his own ponytail. That must be a fun way to pass the time – both generally and when on prime time TV.

20.14: They’re playing a medley of Usher’s Greatest Hits. I don’t recognise any of them. I am much more familiar with that nice Joe McElderry’s back catalogue. I don’t know who this makes look worse: me, Joe or Usher. He doesn’t do much singing himself, this Usher…Oh, and he has his own towel – the true sign of a superstar. Oh, he just had to ask the crowd twice whether they’ll come to his show – probably not the true sign of a superstar.

20:18: Dermot just encouraged Usher to throw his sweat-drenched towel into the baying audience. I am so glad the ultra-clean, hyper-germ-sensitive Mark wasn’t here to see that.

20:24: Dannii says there’s something about Mary. I love Dannii so much, I take the time to spell her name correctly.

20:25: “HE WAS A BOY FROM SOUTH SHIELDS!” Is it Usher again? I jest, of course it’s Joe – who gets the dubious honour of having a montage that features no discernible achievement whatsoever, aside from being A BOY FROM SOUTH SHIELDS. Not even a mention of his decision to come out, X Factor producers? Really? That seems a little regressive. Once again, I get the feeling that the art of televisual montages is dying (as anyone who was in the room when the BBC screened their Wimbledon 2010 montage will know, this is a subject closer to my heart than is strictly healthy).

20:26: Joe is performing, and I have to admit, I’m not familiar with this song. It certainly hasn’t featured in Glee, which is so unlike Joe. He seems to be channelling John Travolta circa 1978. His backing singers are in all the colours of the rainbow…oh, a rainbow. I get it. Subtle, X Factor. OH MY GOD, that was an amazingly gratuitous Christ-like gesture! (If you haven’t already, read Mark’s blog post on boy bands’ penchant for such gestures in their videos – I hope I get extra points for referencing Mark’s archive. Not that this is a competition or anything, The Boyfriend).

20:29 As Dermot interviews Joe (“it’s just like coming home” – yeah, possibly because outside of this studio space, no one really cares for me or even knows my name), let’s take a moment and reflect on the fact that this time last year, Alexandra was giving us the dirty masterpiece that was Bad Boys.

20:33 Cheryl emerges with The Girls; Mini Cheryl has managed to bag the spot right next to Cheryl because she’s her biggest fan. I think anyone who has ever watched the creepy US TV movies on Channel Five of an idle afternoon will know how that storyline is going to end. Dannii comes on with The Boys – Aidan walks alone, because that’s as externalised as he gets.

Treyc and John are through – meh.

Aidan and Diva Fever – WTF, people? Diva Fever are totally charmless.

Mini Cheryl and Storm – Mini Cheryl and Cheryl have an awkward victory hug; I half-expect them to emerge as one Super-Cheryl, but this doesn’t happen.

Belle Amie and Matt – Matt’s not wearing his hat! His magical powers have gone! So he must be through on talent alone. Weird.

Wagner and Rebecca – Louis laughs manically. Katie reassures Rebecca with the words ‘I love you’. I think this is girl code for ‘I loved you once but now I hate you’.

Mary and One Direction – this is unsurprising as Mary is good (and shimmies like a demon) and One Direction have harnessed the power of the sun and/or Justin Bieber’s UK fan club, multiplied to the fever of five.

Paije is safe – WOOHOO!

FYD, Nicolo and Katie are the bottom three. Not even your Grecian robe will save you now, Katie…but it’s Nicolo who’s first out. Nicolo takes it with refreshing honesty: he tells Dermot that he feels like crap. He feels like crap? I feel like crap! He’s wanted to do this ever since he was in the womb – how could the British public vote him out now!? How could you all do that to lovely Dannii?! You people shouldn’t be allowed to vote in anything. Look at the mess you got us into in the general election, and now this. Reap as you sow, and that’s all I’m going to say.

20:48 For some reason, Strictly Come Dancing has removed the dance-off from their results show. I’m glad X Factor has not lost its head: the sing-off is alive and well in all its emotionally-charged, politically-laced drama. FYD are thrusting into the crowd with all their might – but will the judges be impressed with their decent singing, decent choreography and all-round decentness? Announcing Public Enemy Katie as the crowd chants for FYD, Cheryl manages to look like a great 19th century Tragic Heroine, with just a tiny hint of 21st century pouting. I love the X Factor for these magic moments of completely manufactured melodrama. (Is now the time to mention the firing squad waiting for Gamu in Zimbabwe? Probably not).

The FYD guy with the glasses has an endearing way of wringing his hands as he waits for the Judges’ responses…I’m not sure what he’s going to do with those hands now that FYD ARE GOING HOME! They all look crushed; their spokesman says something vague yet pointed about dancing AND singing whilst in a singing contest. Dermot points out that they’re the only act not to have been manufactured by Simon – I think Simon may have paid him to say that. Well, paid him extra, obviously. The audience seems rather deflated.

20:58 Diana Vickers and Katy Perry will appear next week. The crowd goes wild at the mention of Diana Vickers; I can even hear Mark cheering all the way from the other side of the world (he does a mean Diana Vickers at karaoke – and to paraphrase Diana and to show that I was listening, he’s only going to let me blog here once). I like this idea that every week will feature an X Factor alumnus plus Genuine Though-Perhaps-No-Less-Manufactured Star; I wonder who they will pair with my favourites and yours, the McDougal Brothers.

21:00 So my blogging stint has come to an end. It’s been intense, fun and heated – literally, the laptop is burning my legs. Before I sign off, I must thank Other Flatmate for her livestreaming (or talking, in non-blogging terms), to The Boyfriend for his sterling work on Saturday (though technically he did spill over onto Sunday, aka MY day), and of course to Mark for giving me the password to his blog and letting me nose around the statistics page to my heart’s content. Bye, guys, bye.

*on this specific blog. Also, it won’t be quite live. Because I don’t know how.

Right, after a sleepless night spent worrying and dreaming about this bloody blog, I’m back to finish what I started. But before I continue my assassination of the remaining performances, let’s take a moment to applaud that which was great about last night’s show, the adverts.

Advertisers have really pulled it out of the bag for this year’s show and are, at the moment, putting the contestants to shame. They’re really understood who’d be watching TV at that time and that musical ads will resonate (Do you like how I’m using lots of Cowell-isms to sound like I know what I’m talking about?).

Yeo Valley are definitely at the forefront with their hilarious and totally current rapping advert. Those cardy-clad farmies put Cher to shame with their musical number.

I wasn’t the only person secretly wishing this was not just an advert:

Then there was IKEA with another musical masterpiece all about being in the kitchen at parties. These clever marketers have evening taken it a step further by offering the song for purchase on Amazon!

And talking about knowing your audience, well done the people at Nintendo for running the Wii adverts featuring JLS. Tick for using ex-X Factor contestants and gold star for making them look a little like they were doing naughty things while playing with their Wii remote.

But enough about the adverts, let us get back to the actual show.

As you can see (And Mark should be suitably impressed), I made copious notes. Unfortunately, they are now all in a muddle now, so I can’t guarantee that I list these in the correct order.

Diva Fever and their EPIC struggle to be Pop Stars!

OK, I’m not embarrassed to admit it, I like Diva Fever. Maybe it’s the fact that they are unapologetically camper than a Dale Winton camping convention? Perhaps it’s the fact that they have already started talking about themselves in the 3rd person? Or maybe, it’s that they dared to perform in cycling shorts, which, to be fair, was an improvement on their starting outfits. As @tomstoneman quite rightly exclaimed:

Although I’ve never seen prophylactics with that much glitter.

To describe their performance as Eurovision would be to understate it. Cheryl was right when she mentioned Mr Motivator. Their routine, and more specifically, the dance routine, were unabashed queen! Love the bit where Cheryl shielded her eyes from all the package thrusting in her face.

Many people complain that these two should not have been put through as Simon’s wild card – there being many more talented alternatives such as The Reason or that other geeky group. But those doubters have forgotten that Simon is on a mission to save humanity from the world becoming boring! He’s such a noble creature.

I actually suspect an ulterior motive. He and Louis seem to be engaging in some weird bitter form of Gay-off. Choice quips include:

Simon – “This next act is from me to Louis”

Louis – “I’m not surprised Simon picked Diva Fever because they’ve very him. They’ve very camp.”

Louis – “You know who you remind me of guys? You remind me of Simon Cowell & Piers Morgan.”

The two need to get a room or just drop the getting-slightly-uncomfortable gay ribbing. I don’t like where it’s heading and the vibe it’s starting to get.

I enjoyed their performance, despite it’s high cringe quotient and the fact it was occasionally out of tune. I would like to know why one of them (let’s call him ‘Pink Diva’) barely sung. Half the time he didn’t even look like he was trying. Admittedly, ‘Purple Diva’ has the best voice by far, but he was all you could hear, was Pink Diva’s microphone even on?

I hope they stay in because Simon is right, we need some entertainment in the world.

Paije Richardson and his EPIC struggle to not be a yoyo.

Poor Paije, first he’s rejected for no good reason.

Then he gets to audition again.

Then he’s rejected again despite Dannii probably already knowing that he would actually be going through but the producers wanted a ‘surprise’ moment.

Then he gets told he actually is going through.

Then…. THEN… They send him on stage looking like he’s stepped out of the early 90s almanac of bad taste. @nickhucks summed up what many tweets were saying:

I really liked his performance, it was simple – just him on the stage, and it was a great song choice for his voice. Despite it being a huge stage to fill, he didn’t look dwarfed and he gets bonus points for being the first contestants of 2010 to go on that stupid little path that runs behind the panel. I always enjoy when the judges face that dilemma of whether to turn awkwardly to watch or refuse to turn and look aloof.

Unfortunately, Paije also gets the credit for the first 2010 gender change. I really thought we’d got beyond this seeing how many of the audition songs went through without the need to change ‘him’ to ‘her’. I suspect this is coming more from the judges than the contestants.

I like how Louis is now taking total credit for Paije and doubtless is clinging on to him out of desperation given his chances with his category. But, FYI Louis, calling somebody a “Cuddly Luther Vandross” is no different to saying they are a “Fat Luther Vandross”.

He should be safe and while I doubt he’ll win, I’m interested to see what comes next from him.

Katie Waissel and her EPIC mission to prove her point (that she’s not Gamu)

Oh Katie, Katie, Katie. I had such high hopes for you when you first appeared at auditions. But between your recording-contract past and GamuGate, I fear your time is short.

All the ingredients were there for her performance to be epic:

• Crazy sci-fi/partridge helmet.
• Weird military themed costume and set.
• Weird pointy glass piano with hunky man supports that you may (or may not) have played.
• Classic Queen rocky number.

But alas, it all went wrong. The song was both too big and not big enough for her. She couldn’t give it all the emotion a Queen song deserves, and it didn’t really build to any big crescendo that she could perform to. Plus the sound was off again (What is the deal with the sound this year?) and you couldn’t hear her for some of it.

For me, she seems SO desperate to be this quirky, different person that all we are getting are pale imitations of Madonna, Gaga and other unique characters. Poor Katie doesn’t seem to realise that you don’t get to be unique and “a legacy” by merely copying what others have done before. I still hold out some hope as there are signs of unique weirdness – those eyelashes for example.

Unfortunately for Katie, there is one issue that no matter how hard she tries, and God she is trying, she will not be able to escape:

While it wasn’t her fault Gamu didn’t get through, she seems to have become the focal point for all the publics anger over the incident. Her little ‘dramatic’ moment at Judges’ Houses (and that stupid umbrella) certainly didn’t help.

Overall, I was left underwhelmed and if this was a “vote for who should go” style competition, I’d say for certain she was out, however I think she’s in with a chance of surviving for at least a few weeks. If nothing else, the judges will probably save her, as except for Danni, they’re all on the Gaga-bus.

Mary Byrne and her EPIC struggle against Laryngitis

Oh look, it’s Dawn French from Murder Most Horrid. No, wait, it’s Nicky from Westlife’s auntie. No, actually it’s Dawn French being Posh Spice at Comic Relief.

In fact, it was just Mary from Tesco, although I’m sure she’d be happy to drop the supermarket chain from her moniker.

Well… What a belter. She totally rocked the opera diva look with her black trouser suit and Croydon Facelift hairstyle. I found her both fascinating and terrifying. She had some amazing hand action going on and gave a HUGE performance.

I really like it. I really like her. Despite all the factors going against her (age, looks, relevancy, etc), I have a sneaking suspicious that she could win this thing. She’s not got any of the annoying precociousness lots of the others have, she’s got a really solid voice and she’s a loveable down-to-earth Irish mummy.  I’m sure Mark will vehemently disagree with me, but the rapturous applause that shut even Dannii up certainly suggests something. I’d be perfect content with her being the X Factor 2010 champion – I’m bored with all the same-same winners. My Twitter timeline seems to be sharing the same sentiment:

Nicolo Festa and his EPIC quest to entertain.

While Katie tries really hard to appear quirky and weird, Nicolo just is quirky and weird. I think we’ve only scratched the surface of his bizarreness. Following him on Twitter is a lesson in the surreal:

Despite his protestations that he is not a diva and that he’s just “normal”, this boy milked his diva-staging for all it was worth. I’m not sure it was an entirely successful affair but between the hypnotic background visuals, the cross-dressing dancers and the sunglasses (FYI judges, sunglasses are never good on stage) I think we’ve got a potential Lord Gaga right here. He’s even wearing some weird gender-bending skirt in his intro VTs!

Alas though, he singing was not great and the Gaga song did not suit him, I don’t think Nicolo can really pull off busy, action filled stage routines. Ironically, for somebody singing “Just Dance”, he really can’t.

Naturally,Simon 2.0, loved it. It’s exactly what he needs on his global quest to make the world less boring. Will the audience, I’m not sure. He was a surprise finalist anyway – this may have been too off-kilter and not good enough to secure him a round 2 place…

1 Direction and their EPIC quest to be in time.

Well, they can all sing. When they had first been thought together, I’d assumed that all Simon had done was give Liam and Harry 3 backing singers, particularly given how their audition pieces went. But perhaps I was wrong, although Liam and Harry still stand out by a mile, they are a whole other level to the rest (who’s names I don’t even know).

They sounded good together but there were those volume issues again and they did go wrong. Credit to Liam though who showed his professionalism by jumping in and rescuing his bandmate. A pity nobody rescued him and Harry from their weird twitchy gesturing all through the group parts.

I don’t even need to talk about their chances. Tweeny lust will assure their place in the final (unless something magical happens). I’m not quite sure how these guys fit into Simon’s new world vision of difference, but what the hell – These guys entertain me enough to put up with a little bit of hormone-drenched hysteria. I particularly enjoy Harry’s angry singing and the little one’s earnest enjoyment. Oh God… does this mean I might start liking that Bieber fellow?!

I was going to post some tweets about 1 Direction, but since most of them are of dubious taste, I’ll hold off. I really should review my follow list…

Wagner Carrilho and his EPIC struggle to remember the lyrics.

Erm… Right… That was your best choice for wildcard Louis?

I’m actually quite glad he’s in the show, it’s another quirky performance and enjoy hearing his accented interpretation of classic songs. He’s not got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning, but as Mr. Cowell says: “Embrace the madness”.

Clearly, Louis has no wish for him to stay beyond the first show – he couldn’t even be bothered to learn how to say his name! And as @Popjustice puts it:

At one point, I feared Wagner would have a coronary and then I feared I would from all the laughing. The last straw for my sanity was Cheryl describing him as ‘Earthy’. EARTHY!? She’s come out with some crap before, but seriously, EARTHY?!

I don’t hold out much hope of a second performance.

Aiden Grimshaw and his EPIC quest to externalise!

OK, we get it, Aiden sings from his special place where he’s clearly a very tortured individual. There really wasn’t any need to reinforce this any further, and yet we got:

• A chair that looked like it was made from chains.
• A white top that looked strikingly like a straight-jacket (at least until he stood up).
• Some fiercely pained facial expressions.
• Slightly autistic rocking forwards.
• Very worrying off-stage staring, unfocussed.

From all the DOOM trailers about him keeping all his emotion inside, we got a really intense, haunting performance with lots of emotion pouring out. I found it really affecting. I understand where Simon was coming from with his Twilight reference – he was one step away from being a spectre.

I was reassured to see that, like Matt, Aiden has kept hold of that one item of clothing that he apparently needs to survive – his scarf. Cleverly, the stylists have made it white so it’s barely visible, but that pointless strip of material is still there wrapped nonchalantly and ineffectively around his neck.

He’s weird, he’s intense, he’s attractive and he’s different. He’ll probably win.

Treyc Cohen and her EPIC quest to be accepted.

Just her and a microphone. Nothing else. Either a bold move from Cheryl or a wiping of the hands. Apparently it worked as Simon claimed it was the “best vocal of the entire competition”. I think that was a little OTT. It was good, but my overall feeling was – meh.

I think Treyc will also suffer from GamuGate. She got the wildcard that should have been Gamu’s. The public may not forgive this, they’re already pissed of with Treyc’s abuse on English spelling!

I find it fascinating that, given how they’ve gone on about the negative press Katie & Cher received, they’d allow Treyc’s DOOM trailer to mention that they’ve been off with her. Hardly going to help the situation. Or perhaps, that’s the idea – nothing helps generate publicity than in-house arguments.

Conclusion

Well there we have it. I’ve finally reached the end of this ridiculous marathon of a blog entry. Next time, Mark can bugger off nearer the end, when there’s only 3 or 4 contestants to write about!

I’m happy that I got my wish and have a Weird X Factor this year. Last nights show was certainly the most unique I’ve ever watched. There are plenty of characters to entertain me. I hope it won’t be too short-lived and all the quirky ones get booted out at the beginning.

Who do I think will be in the bottom tonight – I really don’t care! Surprisingly, my life will continue regardless of whether I get to hear Wagner butcher another song, see Diva Fever explode in a rainbow of campery, witness Mary let loose in Rock Week or hear Cher sing a non-rap ballad in Big Band week. But since I know Mark’s Internet Following need such insight, I’ll allow the voices of Twitter to put forward their opinions:

And that’s it, my blogging duty over with. Thanks for sticking with it and apologies it’s not up to it’s usual high quality. Please don’t abandoned The Blog That Mark Wrote otherwise I’ll never be forgiven! If you enjoyed my little stint, please leave a comment below – it’ll earn me Boyfriend Points which I will definitely be cashing in!

Check back tonight when Literary Agent Flatmate will be taking over…

Preface

So, Mark (the voice of popular culture) is currently overseas and unable to watch the first X Factor live show. Subsequently, I have been politely asked (i.e. ordered) to take his place with a special guest blog on the first show. I am reliable informed that hordes of Internet Followers will be flocking to the site tonight to get their first fix of this year’s live X Factor commentary.

But what am I to write? I’ve been told I am free to do as I see fit, but as I sat down to start this post, I realised such carte blanche was dangerous…

My first draft on sitting down to write looked a little like this:

But I realised that such a post would probably result in an angry intercontinental phone call. So my second draft aimed to earn me lots of Boyfriend Points by getting this blog lots of hits. It went a little like this:

But then as my cursor hovered over the publish button, I paused. While this would undoubtedly raise the blog’s Google rating, I wondered if Mark would appreciate the additional spam that would accompany his fame. As an afterthought, I also considered the reaction of The Guardian who surely have their eye on this blog as they consider who best to appoint to cover this year’s X Factor.

I reluctantly realised that if I wished to retain my ‘The Boyfriend’ title I would have to write a ‘proper’ blog entry. After all, there was a whole Internet Following who would be in need of their weekly fix. Although since I know significantly less that Mark about Popular Culture, I’m going to draw heavily on the Twitterverse to supplement my commentary.

And so, I present Part One of The Boyfriend’s humble thoughts on this week’s X Factor extravaganza. I should probably prefix this post with the disclaimer that all opinions expressed are mine (or the quoted tweet’s author’s) and do not reflect the opinion of Mark who will probably disagree entirely if our discussions about Joe McElderry are anything to go by.

So here we are, X Factor 2010, just like X Factor 2009, 2008, 2007, etc. But wait, what is this… Could things be different? According to Mr. Cowell, yes they can. It seems he’s on a mission, a mission to find something different for the music scene. Apparently he’s tired of everybody looking and sounding the same. Why can’t we have something new and unique in the music scene he ponders repeatedly through the show. “Hmmm…” I can’t help but wonder, “Perhaps because you keep giving record contracts to the same guaranteed format bland cash cows”. But far be it for me to accuse Mr. Cowell of changing his tune as it suits. And talking of cows, did anybody else notice how many bovine-themed adverts we had this evening? But I’ll talk about the adverts later. Sorry, I feel this’ll be a long blog post.

What else is different? Well there’s that big surprise that apparently nobody knew about: The WILDCARD! Or as I prefer to call it The ‘Bugger! We’ve discovered a HUGE scheduling void around Christmas and need to string X Factor out for a few more weeks, quick find an excuse to have more contestants” card. Perhaps this would be revolutionary and edge-of-the-seat viewing if we didn’t already know all about it and who had been selected. Although it was entertaining to see the judges traipsing up to knock on front doors in areas they’d NEVER choose to set foot in, or as one Tweep put it:

My favourite parts of the home-visits? Paije attempting to hide round the corner, Diva Fever’s suspiciously present gay groupies and Treyc’s voice going so high only dog’s could get annoyed.

We still have the same crazed hyperbole, the same milking of their own controversy, the doom laden intros with associated dramatic music (Everybody seemed to be on some EPIC journey judging by the soundtrack) and the same annoyingly loud audience. A new twist, shamefully stolen from the success of Glee is the releasing of the performances on iTunes for the shocking price of 99p. Simon Cowell really doesn’t miss a trick.

Anyways, let’s get on with the in depth analysis.

F.Y.D. and their EPIC struggle to stand out.

Simon decides to put through a group who can sing good harmonies and dance. How does he decide to showcase this talent? Have just one person singing the song at any one time and when they break into dance, point the camera the other way.

Oh, and to further make their dancing stand-out, flood the stage with other dancers. Not a great ploy on your first airing of a new boyband:

The cynical part of me (i.e. most of me) wonders if craft old Si is pulling the old “flood the stage with girls so nobody thinks we’re gay” trick…

Despite these wasted opportunities, I enjoyed their performance and it’s received the highest accolade possible in X Factor of being “relevant”.

My favourite FYD things are:

1. One of them has been a professional sausage.
2. Alex looks like Marty McFly’s dad.
3. FYD can stand for LOTS of different things:

I suspect they’ll be safe for the moment, hopefully long enough for them to develop a style of their own because at the moment:

I hope you’ve enjoyed my attempt at Popular Culture commentary. If you have (or even if you haven’t) please leave a comment.

Tune in tomorrow/today for the 2nd instalment of my thrilling dissection of the first X Factor Live show 2010, including my thoughts on some of the outstanding and relevant adverts screened tonight!

THE X FACTOR IS BACK. This is *significant* news. Not only does this mean that it’s very nearly Christmas, it also means that I am officially back, blogging with a vengeance! *Screams of delight from Internet Following (aka Flatmates)*.

For my first official X Factor post of 2010 *scream*, I have decided to publish 10 things that will definitely happen this year *gasp*. The aim of this post is that when each comes true I will be officially recognised as the Voice of Popular Culture and quickly approached to live blog for the Guardian *nods of agreement*.

(I’ve decided it’s best to tell readers exactly how to react to the Blog).

So here we go:

1. Grandparents will be inordinately mentioned (an average of at least four mentions per episode. I will be counting).

Whilst it’s great that most people love their grandparents, an average X Factor episode includes at least four contestants wailing backstage that if they miss the big note, a grandparent will spontaneously implode.

This year it will be taken up a notch, with a Live Final Group being actually composed of grandchild and grandparent, so that grandchild can directly wail/cry at grandparent (voted out week 3).

2. A pair will audition. One will be told they’re quite good; the other rubbish. Simon will tell them that if the quite good one comes back alone, they’ve got a chance.

The quite good one will come back alone. They won’t have a chance.

3. The songs chosen will almost be entirely from Glee.

As much as I love it, the X Factor favours replication over innovation and the songs from Glee are tested crowd-pleasers.

There will almost certainly be mash-ups.

4. Louis will put someone through simply because they’re Irish.

I’m thinking the Conway Sisters, I’m thinking Jedward. I’m thinking the McDougal Brothers (whoops, they were Scottish).

5. A failed ex-Boyband member will audition.

The poor fellow will be put all the way through to Judges’ Houses before being rejected. Again.

6. The Judges will pick their top 24. The Judges will then be filmed driving away and Simon will say “I think we’ve made a mistake”. They will then put someone through at the last minute.

This will definitely happen.

7. A girl group will be voted out first week.

Ideally they will be dressed like strippers. Just because this always works well for a group. It’s tradition.

8. There will be Gaga.

The premise of the X Factor has always been to, well, duh, find somebody with the X Factor, that little bit special and unique. Simon Cowell recently said that Lady Gaga was “the most relevant pop artist in the world at the moment”. Any fan of the X Factor will know that this is MASSIVE PRAISE as being relevant is the greatest compliment an artist could ever get.  The X Factor/Pop Idol has previously flirted with artists who are truly interesting, quirky and unique (Diana Vickers, Rhydian, Adam Lambert): and I think this year will be full of Gaga-esque performers. This means quirky females with attitude, who occasionally do something shocking on stage. They won’t win, as the quirky ones never do. But they’ll get quite far.

Either way, someone will do Bad Romance. I can just feel it. It won’t be good. Or it will be amazing. I’m not sure. Whatever happens, there will definitely be cat gestures.

9. The 28’s and over category will be comprised of three 28 year olds.

The over 25s category used to be one of the hardest to mentor; until last year, that was, when they finally worked out that you could fill it with 25 year olds. This year they’ve upped the age limit of this category and – if they have sense – they’ll fill it with 28 year olds (I’m nearly 28 and I could definitely still be a successful popstar). That is unless Louis Walsh gets the category, which he would fill with an 80 year old called Bert (who is Irish).

10. A group will win.

X Factor has shown it can produce successful female winners (Leona, Alexandra) and that it usually doesn’t produce successful male winners (Steve, Leon, Shayne). Following JLS, 2010 is the year to show a group can win. Cheryl will therefore get the groups.

If at least 50% of these don’t happen I will buy Joe McElderry’s album.

I can’t wait! Please share your own predictions below.

P.S. 11. No one will be as good as Diana Vickers.

If my first choice career of being approached by my Literary Agent Flatmate to write exciting novels on, err, Popular Culture somehow falls through, I do have a Plan B. Dream career Plan B involves establishing the World’s First School For Reality TV Stars. In this Academy, I’d train potential contestants on crucial elements such as how to create the strongest back story in a VT, how to perform a song so that people say you’ve made it your own, and, finally – but most importantly - how to react to your victory/getting voted out.

In fact, there will be a whole semester on the latter.

I was reminded of the importance of this by Wimbledon. Yesterday, lovely Federer was beaten by Berdych. On first watch, I thought Berdych’s reacted to this shock victory by, well, seemingly pointing and laughing at Federer. This is not good. If Wimbledon was decided by phone votes, Berdych would be out immediately in the next round.* 

Lucky for Berdych, Tennis isn’t decided by phone votes. Yet. But for when it is, here’s a taster of my masterclass on How To Win And Lose In Reality TV.

[EDIT: It may have been pointed out that Berdych is not actually pointing and laughing at Federer but at the crowd instead. So he's not horrible after all. But if he had, that would have been horrible, and therefore it would have been the perfect analogy to start my blog with. Nevermind.]

Rule Number 1: If you get voted out, don’t get angry.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest innovation has been taking the ”isn’t it sad you’ve been voted out” moment of TV talent shows to a new, shocking level, by forcing devastated voted-out contestants to sing a mocking musical number all about the fact they’ve been voted out. Fascinating and hideous.

Back in 2007, Andrew was hunting for the West End’s new Joseph in “Any Dream Will Do”. Seamus, the oldest contestant, was voted out in week three. Over-confident Seamus goes into meltdown at this result: firstly he looks like he wants to kill everybody. Secondly, he declares it’s all “a conspiracy theory” (i.e. “my mum tried to vote 19 times but kept getting the engaged tone”). Thirdly, he fights a bit with his fellow Josephs when they try to take his Technicolour Dreamcoat off him. And to top that all off, he even changes the lyrics of his eviction song, which would have come across as quite witty if he hadn’t proceeded to hit several notes that definitely weren’t meant to be in the song. Truly painful and yet amazing viewing. Just watch this clip.

Rule Number 2: If you win, blub like a trooper

Alexandra Burke’s reaction to winning the X Factor divides opinion, but I say collapsing on Cheryl Cole whilst blubbing like a maniac is an amazing way to do it. I’ve discussed the clip below before, but I’m not above rehashing old material so it’s worth me enumerating why it’s so great all over again: 

1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.

2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.

3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.

4. Despite breaking down mid song with overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.

5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.

Rule Number 3: Don’t react until you’re definitely sure you’ve won

Surely it could never happen that a Reality TV Host would ever get it wrong and announce the wrong person as the winner, could it? (Yes, it’s happened. So always count for 5 seconds before reacting).

Rule Number 4: If one of your friends gets voted out ,don’t run on stage at the end and steal their thunder.

I’m sure my house created the nickname “Eggnog” for Eoghan from X Factor. Either way, Eggnog made a major faux pas when he got through to the X Factor final and his bessie mate Diana Vickers got voted out. Diana Vickers is trying to finish her goodbye song with a bit of dignity. She’s barely finishing her last note before Eggnog’s running on stage shoving his face in the camera and trying to snog her. This is Diana’s moment, Eggnog. Move over. (Although I do find it sort of sweet. Sort of).

Rule Number 5: Be more like Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal’s reaction to his Best Supporting Actor BAFTA win back in 2006 is just the way to do it, on all counts. So if all else fails, try being more like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Rule Number 6: No matter how bad it feels when you lose, think about how yours fans are taking it.

I think this is my favourite reaction to, well, anything ever. Two girls react to Adam Lambert (wrongfully) losing in the final to American Idol. Why were they filming themselves? I have no idea, but it’s absolutely brilliant.

I’m still laughing.

*And Andy Roddick would be voted back in, mainly because he has amazing eyes.

Can I begin with some Cheryl Cole rage? Last year she was the star of the series, demonstrating honest but fair criticism with down to earth North Eastern likeability. This year she is still yet to say ANYTHING OF INTEREST.* She now no longer comments on singing ability, a performance, its relevance/believability, but instead the three most insightful things she’s said are  “I couldn’t be prouder of you”, “you’re my little geordie popstar”, “I know how badly you want to be in the final”. It’s like she can’t be bothered to voice an opinion. Which is a shame.  I say replace her with the awkward and amazing ginger haired one from Girls Aloud next year please.

Can I also just say how good every channel’s Christmas TV musical montage adverts are this year?

Cheeky Chappy:

1. Can You Feel It?

The odds of Olly going are 1:1. That’s not good is it? Do you get a pound back plus your pound, or just your pound back?

Despite that, I half liked it. The other half of me thought the performance seemed dated, with the dancers helpfully showing the colours of the rainbow that all-in-white Olly sang about; suddenly it all seemed a bit like a performance from a children’s TV show.

2. A song I’d never heard before but was actually quite catchy:

Now, I really liked this. Apart from the fit/dancing. Simon Cowell definitely told each act they had one special thing and that they should do it more frantically than ever before this week (see later Stacey’s big notes, Danyl’s performance fist gestures, and Joe’s very in tune-ness).

Olly has the energy Stacey lacks and the likeability Danyl doesn’t. He’s my favourite and of course he’s also the most likely to go.

Joe:

1. She’s Out Of My Life:

This was perhaps the most boring three minutes of my life. OK, that may be an exaggeration and he was more in tune than ever before. And yet still so boring. Somehow the emoting was more musical theatre than even the Lion King song was. And Louis “if that was on the radio you’d sell millions” – what a load of rubbish. A. That would never be on the radio. And B. it would sell about 3 copies after the fuss of the show’s died down.

Simon has decided he should win. I genuinely don’t know why Simon thinks Joe is marketable beyond his first single. I wait to be proved wrong. The Boyfriend did point out something of note, though: Joe’s the only contestant that doesn’t trend on Twitter. Which says a lot about his voters.

2. Open Arms:

Stacey:

1. The Way You Make Me Feel:

Stacey does the best VTs. When I set up my coaching business to teach reality TV contestants how to perfect the VT (plus post performance interview and reaction when getting through) I will use Stacey’s VTs as the archetypal example (along with this).

The performance was OK, interesting and understated. I liked the hat (BRING BACK RIKKI!) but she hid behind it, like a friend I had who used to hide behind her hair. I’m constantly waiting for her to let loose and maybe do a Christ-like gesture, like all good popstars do. (I think that when I write my overarching narrative there will be a whole blog post on Christ-like gestures in pop music, the most extreme example being this).

2. Somewhere:

The rumour was that Stacey was going to sing “You’ve Got The Love”, which would have been brilliant (not to mention bloody relevant/contemporary and probably believable). Whilst she didn’t fully convey the emotion of the song in her slightly blank facial expressions, those belting notes were amazing and powerful and will put her into the final.

I think tonight Stacey might have been modelled on someone else:

But whilst Stacey was good, when you watch this amazingness from last year you realize what a great Reality TV performance really is.

(I’ve learnt to be humble!) Danyl:

1. Man In The Mirror:

This song was Diana’s Vickers peak last year, where she was super innovative and performed with her back to the audience:

Back to Danyl and, apart from his typical overly aggressive performance, this  was spot on. And also apart from the, ahem, climate change slide show. Trying to make Danyl seem nice by linking him to social cause is a step too far. Do I hope the papers will twist it and show how Danyl is somehow part responsible for killing polar bears? Maybe a little. And how badly did I want him to drop the microphone when he did this? So much it hurt.

2. I Have Nothing:

His hideous attempt to cry in his VT will be used in my School of Reality TV as perhaps the ultimate what to not do.

After that, it was hard to take any of it seriously. And the song was not good.  He can sometimes sound unpleasantly nasal on the big notes. And it was boring.

Bottom 1:

Despite the odds, I say Danyl.

Mathematical formula says Olly. By miles.

*Ok, she said something interesting the week she said she “didn’t get” Danyl. That was good.