X Factor 2010: Week One (Part Three). Number Ones.
Oct 10th
Before Mark left to save the world, I said to him, ‘Please…you just have to give me this one chance. This is what I’ve dreamed of all my life. This is what it’s all been about. You won’t regret it. I HAVE ANCESTORS WHO DIED!’ And he said, ‘Literary Agent Flatmate, despite the fact that you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, I will let you blog in my absence. But because you’ve not once dangled so much as the signature advance of a book deal in my face, you will blog the rubbish results show on Sunday night. The Boyfriend will blog the proper show.’ Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor 2010: Week One (Part Two)
Oct 10th
Right, after a sleepless night spent worrying and dreaming about this bloody blog, I’m back to finish what I started. But before I continue my assassination of the remaining performances, let’s take a moment to applaud that which was great about last night’s show, the adverts.
Advertisers have really pulled it out of the bag for this year’s show and are, at the moment, putting the contestants to shame. They’re really understood who’d be watching TV at that time and that musical ads will resonate (Do you like how I’m using lots of Cowell-isms to sound like I know what I’m talking about?). Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor 2010: Week One (Part One)
Oct 10th
Preface
So, Mark (the voice of popular culture) is currently overseas and unable to watch the first X Factor live show. Subsequently, I have been politely asked (i.e. ordered) to take his place with a special guest blog on the first show. I am reliable informed that hordes of Internet Followers will be flocking to the site tonight to get their first fix of this year’s live X Factor commentary.
But what am I to write? I’ve been told I am free to do as I see fit, but as I sat down to start this post, I realised such carte blanche was dangerous… Read the rest of this entry »
X Factor 2010: 10 Things That Will Definitely Happen
Aug 20th
THE X FACTOR IS BACK. This is *significant* news. Not only does this mean that it’s very nearly Christmas, it also means that I am officially back, blogging with a vengeance! *Screams of delight from Internet Following (aka Flatmates)*.
For my first official X Factor post of 2010 *scream*, I have decided to publish 10 things that will definitely happen this year *gasp*. The aim of this post is that when each comes true I will be officially recognised as the Voice of Popular Culture and quickly approached to live blog for the Guardian *nods of agreement*.
(I’ve decided it’s best to tell readers exactly how to react to the Blog).
So here we go:
1. Grandparents will be inordinately mentioned (an average of at least four mentions per episode. I will be counting).
Whilst it’s great that most people love their grandparents, an average X Factor episode includes at least four contestants wailing backstage that if they miss the big note, a grandparent will spontaneously implode.
This year it will be taken up a notch, with a Live Final Group being actually composed of grandchild and grandparent, so that grandchild can directly wail/cry at grandparent (voted out week 3).
2. A pair will audition. One will be told they’re quite good; the other rubbish. Simon will tell them that if the quite good one comes back alone, they’ve got a chance.
The quite good one will come back alone. They won’t have a chance.
3. The songs chosen will almost be entirely from Glee.
As much as I love it, the X Factor favours replication over innovation and the songs from Glee are tested crowd-pleasers.
There will almost certainly be mash-ups.
4. Louis will put someone through simply because they’re Irish.
I’m thinking the Conway Sisters, I’m thinking Jedward. I’m thinking the McDougal Brothers (whoops, they were Scottish).
5. A failed ex-Boyband member will audition.
The poor fellow will be put all the way through to Judges’ Houses before being rejected. Again.
6. The Judges will pick their top 24. The Judges will then be filmed driving away and Simon will say “I think we’ve made a mistake”. They will then put someone through at the last minute.
This will definitely happen.
7. A girl group will be voted out first week.
Ideally they will be dressed like strippers. Just because this always works well for a group. It’s tradition.
8. There will be Gaga.
The premise of the X Factor has always been to, well, duh, find somebody with the X Factor, that little bit special and unique. Simon Cowell recently said that Lady Gaga was “the most relevant pop artist in the world at the moment”. Any fan of the X Factor will know that this is MASSIVE PRAISE as being relevant is the greatest compliment an artist could ever get. The X Factor/Pop Idol has previously flirted with artists who are truly interesting, quirky and unique (Diana Vickers, Rhydian, Adam Lambert): and I think this year will be full of Gaga-esque performers. This means quirky females with attitude, who occasionally do something shocking on stage. They won’t win, as the quirky ones never do. But they’ll get quite far.
Either way, someone will do Bad Romance. I can just feel it. It won’t be good. Or it will be amazing. I’m not sure. Whatever happens, there will definitely be cat gestures.
9. The 28’s and over category will be comprised of three 28 year olds.
The over 25s category used to be one of the hardest to mentor; until last year, that was, when they finally worked out that you could fill it with 25 year olds. This year they’ve upped the age limit of this category and – if they have sense – they’ll fill it with 28 year olds (I’m nearly 28 and I could definitely still be a successful popstar). That is unless Louis Walsh gets the category, which he would fill with an 80 year old called Bert (who is Irish).
10. A group will win.
X Factor has shown it can produce successful female winners (Leona, Alexandra) and that it usually doesn’t produce successful male winners (Steve, Leon, Shayne). Following JLS, 2010 is the year to show a group can win. Cheryl will therefore get the groups.
If at least 50% of these don’t happen I will buy Joe McElderry’s album.
I can’t wait! Please share your own predictions below.
P.S. 11. No one will be as good as Diana Vickers.
How To Be More Like Jake Gyllenhaal
Jul 1st
If my first choice career of being approached by my Literary Agent Flatmate to write exciting novels on, err, Popular Culture somehow falls through, I do have a Plan B. Dream career Plan B involves establishing the World’s First School For Reality TV Stars. In this Academy, I’d train potential contestants on crucial elements such as how to create the strongest back story in a VT, how to perform a song so that people say you’ve made it your own, and, finally – but most importantly - how to react to your victory/getting voted out.
In fact, there will be a whole semester on the latter.
I was reminded of the importance of this by Wimbledon. Yesterday, lovely Federer was beaten by Berdych. On first watch, I thought Berdych’s reacted to this shock victory by, well, seemingly pointing and laughing at Federer. This is not good. If Wimbledon was decided by phone votes, Berdych would be out immediately in the next round.*
Lucky for Berdych, Tennis isn’t decided by phone votes. Yet. But for when it is, here’s a taster of my masterclass on How To Win And Lose In Reality TV.
[EDIT: It may have been pointed out that Berdych is not actually pointing and laughing at Federer but at the crowd instead. So he's not horrible after all. But if he had, that would have been horrible, and therefore it would have been the perfect analogy to start my blog with. Nevermind.]
Rule Number 1: If you get voted out, don’t get angry.
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest innovation has been taking the ”isn’t it sad you’ve been voted out” moment of TV talent shows to a new, shocking level, by forcing devastated voted-out contestants to sing a mocking musical number all about the fact they’ve been voted out. Fascinating and hideous.
Back in 2007, Andrew was hunting for the West End’s new Joseph in “Any Dream Will Do”. Seamus, the oldest contestant, was voted out in week three. Over-confident Seamus goes into meltdown at this result: firstly he looks like he wants to kill everybody. Secondly, he declares it’s all “a conspiracy theory” (i.e. “my mum tried to vote 19 times but kept getting the engaged tone”). Thirdly, he fights a bit with his fellow Josephs when they try to take his Technicolour Dreamcoat off him. And to top that all off, he even changes the lyrics of his eviction song, which would have come across as quite witty if he hadn’t proceeded to hit several notes that definitely weren’t meant to be in the song. Truly painful and yet amazing viewing. Just watch this clip.
Rule Number 2: If you win, blub like a trooper
Alexandra Burke’s reaction to winning the X Factor divides opinion, but I say collapsing on Cheryl Cole whilst blubbing like a maniac is an amazing way to do it. I’ve discussed the clip below before, but I’m not above rehashing old material so it’s worth me enumerating why it’s so great all over again:
1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.
2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.
3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.
4. Despite breaking down mid song with overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.
5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.
Rule Number 3: Don’t react until you’re definitely sure you’ve won
Surely it could never happen that a Reality TV Host would ever get it wrong and announce the wrong person as the winner, could it? (Yes, it’s happened. So always count for 5 seconds before reacting).
Rule Number 4: If one of your friends gets voted out ,don’t run on stage at the end and steal their thunder.
I’m sure my house created the nickname “Eggnog” for Eoghan from X Factor. Either way, Eggnog made a major faux pas when he got through to the X Factor final and his bessie mate Diana Vickers got voted out. Diana Vickers is trying to finish her goodbye song with a bit of dignity. She’s barely finishing her last note before Eggnog’s running on stage shoving his face in the camera and trying to snog her. This is Diana’s moment, Eggnog. Move over. (Although I do find it sort of sweet. Sort of).
Rule Number 5: Be more like Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal’s reaction to his Best Supporting Actor BAFTA win back in 2006 is just the way to do it, on all counts. So if all else fails, try being more like Jake Gyllenhaal.
Rule Number 6: No matter how bad it feels when you lose, think about how yours fans are taking it.
I think this is my favourite reaction to, well, anything ever. Two girls react to Adam Lambert (wrongfully) losing in the final to American Idol. Why were they filming themselves? I have no idea, but it’s absolutely brilliant.
I’m still laughing.
*And Andy Roddick would be voted back in, mainly because he has amazing eyes.
X Factor: Week 9 Live Show (Michael Jackson & Judge’s Choice)
Dec 5th
Can I begin with some Cheryl Cole rage? Last year she was the star of the series, demonstrating honest but fair criticism with down to earth North Eastern likeability. This year she is still yet to say ANYTHING OF INTEREST.* She now no longer comments on singing ability, a performance, its relevance/believability, but instead the three most insightful things she’s said are “I couldn’t be prouder of you”, “you’re my little geordie popstar”, “I know how badly you want to be in the final”. It’s like she can’t be bothered to voice an opinion. Which is a shame. I say replace her with the awkward and amazing ginger haired one from Girls Aloud next year please.
Can I also just say how good every channel’s Christmas TV musical montage adverts are this year?
Cheeky Chappy:
1. Can You Feel It?
The odds of Olly going are 1:1. That’s not good is it? Do you get a pound back plus your pound, or just your pound back?
Despite that, I half liked it. The other half of me thought the performance seemed dated, with the dancers helpfully showing the colours of the rainbow that all-in-white Olly sang about; suddenly it all seemed a bit like a performance from a children’s TV show.
2. A song I’d never heard before but was actually quite catchy:
Now, I really liked this. Apart from the fit/dancing. Simon Cowell definitely told each act they had one special thing and that they should do it more frantically than ever before this week (see later Stacey’s big notes, Danyl’s performance fist gestures, and Joe’s very in tune-ness).
Olly has the energy Stacey lacks and the likeability Danyl doesn’t. He’s my favourite and of course he’s also the most likely to go.
Joe:
1. She’s Out Of My Life:
This was perhaps the most boring three minutes of my life. OK, that may be an exaggeration and he was more in tune than ever before. And yet still so boring. Somehow the emoting was more musical theatre than even the Lion King song was. And Louis “if that was on the radio you’d sell millions” – what a load of rubbish. A. That would never be on the radio. And B. it would sell about 3 copies after the fuss of the show’s died down.
Simon has decided he should win. I genuinely don’t know why Simon thinks Joe is marketable beyond his first single. I wait to be proved wrong. The Boyfriend did point out something of note, though: Joe’s the only contestant that doesn’t trend on Twitter. Which says a lot about his voters.
2. Open Arms:
Stacey:
1. The Way You Make Me Feel:
Stacey does the best VTs. When I set up my coaching business to teach reality TV contestants how to perfect the VT (plus post performance interview and reaction when getting through) I will use Stacey’s VTs as the archetypal example (along with this).
The performance was OK, interesting and understated. I liked the hat (BRING BACK RIKKI!) but she hid behind it, like a friend I had who used to hide behind her hair. I’m constantly waiting for her to let loose and maybe do a Christ-like gesture, like all good popstars do. (I think that when I write my overarching narrative there will be a whole blog post on Christ-like gestures in pop music, the most extreme example being this).
2. Somewhere:
The rumour was that Stacey was going to sing “You’ve Got The Love”, which would have been brilliant (not to mention bloody relevant/contemporary and probably believable). Whilst she didn’t fully convey the emotion of the song in her slightly blank facial expressions, those belting notes were amazing and powerful and will put her into the final.
I think tonight Stacey might have been modelled on someone else:
But whilst Stacey was good, when you watch this amazingness from last year you realize what a great Reality TV performance really is.
(I’ve learnt to be humble!) Danyl:
1. Man In The Mirror:
This song was Diana’s Vickers peak last year, where she was super innovative and performed with her back to the audience:
Back to Danyl and, apart from his typical overly aggressive performance, this was spot on. And also apart from the, ahem, climate change slide show. Trying to make Danyl seem nice by linking him to social cause is a step too far. Do I hope the papers will twist it and show how Danyl is somehow part responsible for killing polar bears? Maybe a little. And how badly did I want him to drop the microphone when he did this? So much it hurt.
2. I Have Nothing:
His hideous attempt to cry in his VT will be used in my School of Reality TV as perhaps the ultimate what to not do.
After that, it was hard to take any of it seriously. And the song was not good. He can sometimes sound unpleasantly nasal on the big notes. And it was boring.
Bottom 1:
Despite the odds, I say Danyl.
Mathematical formula says Olly. By miles.
*Ok, she said something interesting the week she said she “didn’t get” Danyl. That was good.
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