X Factor 2010: 10 Things That Will Definitely Happen
Aug 20th
THE X FACTOR IS BACK. This is *significant* news. Not only does this mean that it’s very nearly Christmas, it also means that I am officially back, blogging with a vengeance! *Screams of delight from Internet Following (aka Flatmates)*.
For my first official X Factor post of 2010 *scream*, I have decided to publish 10 things that will definitely happen this year *gasp*. The aim of this post is that when each comes true I will be officially recognised as the Voice of Popular Culture and quickly approached to live blog for the Guardian *nods of agreement*.
(I’ve decided it’s best to tell readers exactly how to react to the Blog).
So here we go:
1. Grandparents will be inordinately mentioned (an average of at least four mentions per episode. I will be counting).
Whilst it’s great that most people love their grandparents, an average X Factor episode includes at least four contestants wailing backstage that if they miss the big note, a grandparent will spontaneously implode.
This year it will be taken up a notch, with a Live Final Group being actually composed of grandchild and grandparent, so that grandchild can directly wail/cry at grandparent (voted out week 3).
2. A pair will audition. One will be told they’re quite good; the other rubbish. Simon will tell them that if the quite good one comes back alone, they’ve got a chance.
The quite good one will come back alone. They won’t have a chance.
3. The songs chosen will almost be entirely from Glee.
As much as I love it, the X Factor favours replication over innovation and the songs from Glee are tested crowd-pleasers.
There will almost certainly be mash-ups.
4. Louis will put someone through simply because they’re Irish.
I’m thinking the Conway Sisters, I’m thinking Jedward. I’m thinking the McDougal Brothers (whoops, they were Scottish).
5. A failed ex-Boyband member will audition.
The poor fellow will be put all the way through to Judges’ Houses before being rejected. Again.
6. The Judges will pick their top 24. The Judges will then be filmed driving away and Simon will say “I think we’ve made a mistake”. They will then put someone through at the last minute.
This will definitely happen.
7. A girl group will be voted out first week.
Ideally they will be dressed like strippers. Just because this always works well for a group. It’s tradition.
8. There will be Gaga.
The premise of the X Factor has always been to, well, duh, find somebody with the X Factor, that little bit special and unique. Simon Cowell recently said that Lady Gaga was “the most relevant pop artist in the world at the moment”. Any fan of the X Factor will know that this is MASSIVE PRAISE as being relevant is the greatest compliment an artist could ever get. The X Factor/Pop Idol has previously flirted with artists who are truly interesting, quirky and unique (Diana Vickers, Rhydian, Adam Lambert): and I think this year will be full of Gaga-esque performers. This means quirky females with attitude, who occasionally do something shocking on stage. They won’t win, as the quirky ones never do. But they’ll get quite far.
Either way, someone will do Bad Romance. I can just feel it. It won’t be good. Or it will be amazing. I’m not sure. Whatever happens, there will definitely be cat gestures.
9. The 28’s and over category will be comprised of three 28 year olds.
The over 25s category used to be one of the hardest to mentor; until last year, that was, when they finally worked out that you could fill it with 25 year olds. This year they’ve upped the age limit of this category and – if they have sense – they’ll fill it with 28 year olds (I’m nearly 28 and I could definitely still be a successful popstar). That is unless Louis Walsh gets the category, which he would fill with an 80 year old called Bert (who is Irish).
10. A group will win.
X Factor has shown it can produce successful female winners (Leona, Alexandra) and that it usually doesn’t produce successful male winners (Steve, Leon, Shayne). Following JLS, 2010 is the year to show a group can win. Cheryl will therefore get the groups.
If at least 50% of these don’t happen I will buy Joe McElderry’s album.
I can’t wait! Please share your own predictions below.
P.S. 11. No one will be as good as Diana Vickers.
The Archetypal Boyband Music Video
Jan 17th
My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy. This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.
Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:
1. The Christ-like Gesture:
This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.
Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):
Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?
2. Location:
The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” video below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change.
Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice fire escape in the background.
But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses a giant hot air balloon?
The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.
3. A mysterious female figure:
Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.
A special shout out must also be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video.
4. Water:
Ideally, the water is dripped on scantily clad Boyband members throughout the video. However, a sudden onrush of water can also be used to signal a dramatic moment in the song: for example, “Words” by Boyzone, where it unexpectedly starts raining inside a pub (strangely, no-one in pub seems that shocked). Take That’s “Back For Good” also uses rain nicely to show that the song is a sad one. However, the ultimate example must go to Take That’s “Pray”, which has water dripping all over the semi-naked Boyband members (who also obsessively make Christ-like gestures).
I’m sure there are more than four archetypes, so please do share any I’ve missed. I nearly included slow motion, the “i’m looking down but now I’m going to look up into the camera” look, and levitation almost got a whole slot of its own. JLS are also currently bringing back a concept that I hope will take off: the “mime the words you’re singing” with their brilliant “forever and a day for you” actions in “Everybody In Love”. I tried to screen grab this but they are too talented and do it too fast for me to capture.
I’ll leave you with the ultimate Boyband video: Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love”. Whilst the song is a bit rubbish, the video is important. I like to think that, as this song marks the death of the ultimate Boyband (it was their last single before they split), all the archetypes are in meltdown.
1. Firstly, the mysterious female has gone evil. Rather than being the passive object of admiration for the Boyband, she is now in control! She has abused this power and kidnapped them all.
2. She has placed them in an urban interior (basement/warehouse) but they are all tied up and therefore unable to perform Christ-like gestures.
3. Evil mysterious female now takes them to dramatic exterior landscape – a cliff top. Hooray, we are in safe Boyband territory again! Oh no we’re not, she’s going to throw them off it!
4. And what does she throw them off into: yes, that’s right, water! Water kills the Boyband! And not even the stormy, dramatic sea; no, instead a lake by a motorway.*
*That’s a frustrated ex-english lit. student for you.
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