18.36: So here we are, eagerly awaiting the X Factor Final. I have a tube of Pringles and a bottle of wine, so am fully prepared. We’ve worked our way through Gamu-gate, Katie Waissal-gate, Wagner-gate and over ten performances of Rebecca standing completely still. If we’ve got through all that, we can get through the impending travesty that is Cher Lloyd not winning this thing.

18.45: Is there definitely no way in which Katie Waissel could win? For example, if a contestant got sick, could she take their place and do a duet of “Help” with Yoko Ono? Read the rest of this entry »

18.41: I missed Saturday’s X Factor. Due to a combination of yesterday being Christmas Day (it’s complicated), a neighbours’ house party, and having to work today, I haven’t managed to catch up. I have no idea what has happened this week.

*The blog implodes* Read the rest of this entry »

Katie Waissel is gone.  There are no words. Read the rest of this entry »

“If Thom Yorke was watching this, he would *love* that” (Louis Walsh, 2010).

I don’t even know where to start with that. Possibly the best X Factor quote of all time? If that comment doesn’t lead Thom Yorke into the kind of existential despair that produced “The Eraser”, I don’t know what will. Read the rest of this entry »

19.51: Here we go for another attempt at ABNQ-Live Blogging.* I’m blogging from a friend’s house tonight. And if that doesn’t show you dedication I don’t know what will, Literary Agent Flatmate (APPROACH ME TO WRITE BOOKS).

19.52: Fingers crossed that my one vote for Katie Waissal counts. Read the rest of this entry »

19.41: I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought I had 19 more minutes left of The Cube.

19.42: I am excited by Take That and Robbie’s impending performance. Their documentary last night was fascinating: most interesting was that Take That practising “The Flood” in a room sounds a bit like my friends at karaoke (we are quite good). Read the rest of this entry »

Elton John recently branded TV talent shows “boring, arse-paralysingly brain crippling”, so it makes perfect sense for this week’s theme to be “Elton John”. I fear the X Factor is trying to be subversive, when really they should leave self-referential irony in the capable hands of “sod it” Katie Waissel. There’ll be more on self-referential irony later…

What we all really need to be focusing on tonight is whichever contestant sings “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”. As Leona Lewis and Joe McElderry can attest to, whoever sings this song will definitely win. It’s this level of insight that demonstrates to my Literary Agent Flatmate that she needs to get a bloody move on and approach me to write (as yet unspecified but definitely commercially viable) books on popular culture.

Read the rest of this entry »

20.00: So here I am, simultaneously trying to eat tuna pasta, solve a Twitter crisis and Live Blog. The Boyfriend is looking at his laptop nervously as I try to hide the bits of pasta jammed between the keys. Read the rest of this entry »