IT’S THE FINALE.

I’ve invariably lost the will to blog by the final. Maybe it’s because all the acts I like have usually gone (poor Scottish Adele); maybe it’s because nothing could top Alexandra Burke crying in Beyonce’s face; or maybe it’s sheer exhaustion. So, readers, here are some half-hearted observations about Saturday’s finale (submitted approximately 16 hours too late).

1.  Basically by now we’re all essentially just looking forward to spending our Sunday evening being overly interested in the weekly voting stats. Right? Right.

2. Group song realisation: Amelia needs to join Little Mix. THEN we’d really have a girl group worth shouting about.

3. Marcus’ “Hey Ya” was all kind of mixed. Great song choice; none of the fun irony of the original; it was performed with sheer joy; it seemed a bit like Eurovision. If I’d been in charge he would have made it his own by copying the Will Young version only to erupt into the Outkast original half way through, in a way that didn’t remind everyone of Scooch.

4. Someone in this show is trying hard to put High Wycombe on the map. I once spent a while waiting at its bus station. Actually, that might have been Hemel Hempstead.

5. Little Mix’s “Everyone Loves This Especially Since It Was On Sex And The City” was their best performance yet, even if the production was a steal of Misha B’s brilliant drummer boy “Born This Way”. Strong solo vocals; but they need to harmonise more to really sound excellent.

6. Pringles are amazing.

7. Amelia’s “Ain’t No Other Man” was by far the best performance  of the three: flawless vocals and fierce attitude.

8. I begin wondering if I should start betting on the X Factor and then remember I predicted a Little Mix exit in week one.

9. Gary and Marcus’ duet of “More Than A Woman” was surprisingly understated and good, with clever Gary allowing Marcus to shine through the big notes; Little Mix and Tulisa’s Alicia Keys’ medley was well sung but needed a stand out moment; Amelia and Kelly Rowland’s duet was by far the best, even if it had moments of this.

10. I love Leona and in a parallel universe she is releasing her own original songs as good as “Hurt”. I know, I know, it’s wrong she’s covering this track, but what an absolutely brilliant vocal that was. And I’m a sucker for Buble, especially when singing that Mariah Carey Christmas classic.

11. Amelia was robbed. But didn’t have the time to build up a fan base. Well, Little Mix to win then please.

Morning all. I was out last night, so sincere apologies for the delayed X Factor blog. I know, I know, it’s the semi-final and I should be demonstrating commitment. Well, is dragging yourself out of bed at 8:30am enough commitment for you? Yes? Jesus, you guys are demanding.

I’m also watching online via Scottish TV player on a computer that can’t handle fast graphics. Which means minus points to anyone who tries to move in their performances. I’m essentially looking for people who can stand rigidly still throughout.

Dermot’s dancing annihilates my computer.

Mischa B:

Last week, I discovered that I’ve been spelling Mischa B’s name wrong for weeks. This is almost as embarrassing as the Dann(i)i debacle of 2009, but not as bad as when I once ended a blog post with “your” instead of “you’re”.

VT: Mischa B worries for no real reason worries about a world without music.

Performance: Mischa does an excellent performance of “Dancing In The Street” with commanding choreography, a distinctive vocal and a futuristic outfit. It all works. And yet Eggnog is likely to have gotten further than she will. These are the realities of the world we live in. Well done, Great British public, well done.

Amelia Lily:

VT: Amelia goes to a CD shop.

Performance: I like Amelia as she seems tough as nails and then sings with a beautiful tone. Importantly, she’s also adapted to every theme with ease while also performing some of the best vocals of the competition. This week she delivers “Ain’t No Mountain” with gusto (and minimal shouting, myfizzypop), looking 110% confident. Should I judge myself for the use of the word “gusto”? Probably.

My love for Amelia is not just because her name reminds me of Amy Pond or that, along with Janet looking eerily like Amy throughout the series, I’m hoping that this year’s X Factor might have actually been one elaborate Dr Who episode. Incidentally, Scottish TV Player keeps repeating an advert about the people who have shaped Scotland, ending with “Amy Pond”, which is 100% right, isn’t it Literary Agent Ex Flatmate? She better bloody be in the Dr Who Christmas special or there will be trouble. And by trouble I mean an angry complaint letter. And possibly a half-hearted twitter campaign.

Little Mix:

Oh god please stop calling them my little muffins. Just please.

VT: Kelly explains how Little Mix’s bond reminds her of Destiny’s Child’s: but she’s not specific about which of the three incarnations of the group she’s talking about.

Performance: everyone on Twitter (and the Judges) hated this. I fly in their faces by thinking it was pretty good. I liked the simmering aggression and even the solo vocals. The spoken line was an abomination.

What I think is in Little Mix’s favour is that they’re starting to demonstrate individual personalities, which was at the heart of the Spice Girls’ success. Alright, I watched the Xtra Factor once and they seemed quite funny.

Marcus:

VT: Marcus is a likeable chap, isn’t he?

Performance: couldn’t they have modernised “My Girl” in some way and not dressed Marcus as High School Musical? It was a competent vocal if a bit pitchy towards the end. Maybe it was a semi-tone too high/a groove song/a six eight song in four two time, etc [it turns out I can’t remember any grade five music theory although I can still draw a treble cleff].

THE SECOND HALF:

We’re now into the second half, which has the impressive theme of “Songs That Will Get You Into The Final”. This should be translated to “Songs Where There Is The Greatest Potential To Shout Loudly In Tune For As Long As Possible Towards The End”. Right, here we go everyone!

Mischa B

I think I enjoy self-referential singing the most on the X Factor and will petition until the end for it to be a themed week; along with “let’s accuse someone of being a bully” and “likely to be a shock exit” themed weeks. But for me, nothing has topped last year’s “sod it” Waissel singing “Help” while a house deconstructed around her.

So, well done for Mischa B going all meta with Pink’s song “Perfect”, singing all about judgement and character assassination, etc and also for showing us how to command an audience with a ballad and build a song. As for shouting loudly in tune for as long as possible towards the end: mostly good here, some very occasional off notes. 8/10. But then she raps and the score is immediately re-edited to 11/10.

Gary has a fair enough dig at Tulisa for the unnecessary “bully” comments that basically destroyed Mischa B’s chances, forcing her to subtext “I’M NICE GOD DAMMIT” in every VT for the last six weeks.

Amelia Lily:

There has been a distinct lack of the “Jesus light” this year; but it was back here for Amelia in a slightly new form as a big gaping black hole with blue rings. Not sure of the symbolism here.

As for “shouting loudly in tune for as long as possible towards the end” – an excellent 9/10 for Amelia here. Some of the notes she hit were very impressive, just a couple ever so slightly off. But what I love about Amelia is that she never seems like she’s doing karaoke, but instead immerses herself in every song she’s done. In other words, what Tulisa said.

Marcus:

In the wrong key for him, surely at the beginning? Too low? And then too high? And then got better when we focused more on the dancing and, yes well some of the big notes at the end were good. Basically 6.5/10.

Little Mix:

7/10 here: the one that everyone thinks is the best singer delivered some great notes, very loud and mostly in tune, with some good feeling too. All in all, much better than last week’s “Beautiful”, with more interestng aggressive energy and passable individual vocals.Go on you hotbed of potential regional votes, High Wycombe: you get voting.

Right, we’ve reached the end of the semi. Before I go, can I check in about something here? Did anyone else think Louis Walsh was talking mostly sense, throughout?

Bottom One: Based on the performances tonight the bottom one should be Marcus. Instead though it will be Mischa B going, won’t it?

The Boyfriend emerges just in time to witness the recap. “Why is everyone shouting?”.

Hello everyone! Tonight it’s a “Heroes and Guilty Pleasures” theme. This has got to be the week when someone does “Swagger Jagger”, hasn’t it? That’s what we’re all hoping for, right? And as for guilty pleasures, I have high hopes for Shampoo.

The Judges enter and Tulisa does an unprecedented double arm gesture, possibly for legal reasons.

Little Mix:

Little Mix are on first with a slightly, well, let’s say it how it is, disappointing “mash up”. Weird baby-doll styling with a competent but lacklustre vocal and a bit all over the place choreography. They also try the daring move of letting the others apart from the one we know can definitely sing sing.  I want them to be better than this. Maybe they could just do their ET performance each week? I’m sure that’s allowed, like when Cher Lloyd did “Stay” like four times?

Janet:

Janet is consistently on early in the running order so it’s obvious they want her out. Which makes me determined that she should stay. But then it’s revealed she’s singing Mmmbop, which I have to hate as it knocked Eternal off number one in May 1997. So I’m all kinds of torn here.

I must say I prefer creepy but amazing Somebody To Love Janet as opposed to hippy bohemian Janet, but when she seemingly forgets her words and then tries to sing loudly I can’t help but feel for her. She seems lost, like she just wants to get away from the show to go back to her field in Ireland to sing to horses, but there’s also a quiet refusal to conform about “I’m not boring I’m weird” Janet that I like.

Following the song there’s some confusion over whether Janet forgot the words or thought she was about to vomit on stage and I would have liked greater clarity on this in the Dermot interview, plus further discussion into whether we think this is, like, winter vomiting or something she ate.

Incidentally, someone throwing up mid-performance would actually be mindboggling TV, right?

Gary says the song was “percussive in nature with a groove mode”. I love it when Gary talks music. I have music theory grade five BTW.

Misha B:

Misha has unfortunately created a name for her fans, which no one apart from Gaga should be allowed to do. But I forgive it all when does an absolutely brilliant reggae version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” with rap. She’s so good she should be allowed to refer to herself in the third person without losing all her votes for doing so, which is what’s about to happen here.

Marcus:

Fingers crossed Marcus will sing the underrated Barlow classic “Open Road” mashed up with “Love Won’t Wait”. OK, OK, I know a lot about Gary’s solo career. So what? Stop staring at me.

Marcus doesn’t do the above, but I do love the Wham song he does do and also Marcus’ ability to revel completely in a song, while owning the stage and also stamping on Louis’ notes.

But then I compare it to Misha who transformed a song and suddenly it seems a bit average.

Amelia:

Amelia Lily also has a name for her fans: lilies. This has to stop.

Amelia does Carol Decker’s “China In Your Hand”, which turns out to be one of the top performances of the series. A quirky, powerful vocal, and she was completely immersed in the song. She’s the most versatile artist here and I find her pretty exciting because of that.

Watching Carol Decker on Twitter raging at Barlow is also all kinds of brilliant.

Right, OK everyone, we’re half way through and still have SECOND SONGS to come. I’m rapidly running out of energy and during the advert break I decided that I actually want the song from the new Nokia advert to win this year. Given all this, I’ll attempt to sum up the remaining performances in one sentence.

Little Mix:

The one that we knew could definitely sing can really really sing can’t she?

(*Explodes*. No, no, no Little Mix: when we asked for stripped back (and when I say ‘we’ I mean Gary, but I agreed with him) we didn’t want a straight ballad; no, we wanted a stripped back version of a normally up-tempo song. Or “Stay” by Shakespeare’s Sister. Whatever, it wasn’t “Beautiful”. And what was with the weird “CAN’T” bit? I only say this all as I know you can be better than this, Little Mix).

Janet:

Good that we’ve got creepy dark ballad Janet back, but sadly the vocals weren’t quite strong enough to carry such a sparsely produced song and Tulisa just kept saying “Janet Devlin” at her during the comments.

Mischa B:

Don’t worry everyone, I added in the “one time” for her. [I NEED TWO SENTENCES HERE]. Occasionally pitchy, but still captivating; however, I would have preferred her to do a hip hop ballad version of a song that wasn’t originally a ballad [YES, I KNOW I’M A BROKEN RECORD].

Marcus:

Slightly out of tune most of the way through.

Amelia:

A great song, but an awful choice for Amelia as you can’t help but sound out of tune and shouty; and Amelia was sadly both and, Kelly, please stop making “lilies” try to happen.

Bottom Two: if the performances had anything to do with it (yes, yes, I know they don’t) then I’d be fearing for Little Mix and Janet. Instead, I fear for Amelia and Mischa B. Which makes me sad as in a parallel universe where Siobhan Donaghy has just released her fifth chart topping album, one of those two would win this thing.

Please share your own thoughts below!

Movie week. Otherwise known as pick a song and then work out how it might be related to a movie week. Following last week’s bottom two debacle I’ve lost all faith in the Great British public; also, I’ve eaten half a 180g Cadbury’s chocolate bar within the last two minutes. This could be a tough evening.

I really hope someone sings the music from Inception tonight.

They keep saying that if someone does a bad performance they could be in the bottom two. I don’t understand: to date there has been minimal relation between performance quality and the bottom two. So really they should keep saying “it really doesn’t matter what you do, you could still be in the bottom two”. That would be better.

Craig:

Craig first, who this week denied he’s dating previous X Factor contestant Danyl. Which is disappointing.

The above is sadly the most interesting thing about Craig this week. The Bond theme is a great opportunity for him to demonstrate his strong vocal, but as Kelly half constructively criticised, his performance was lacking some personality. BRING IT MORE PLEASE CRAIG.

Janet:

“I’m not boring, I’m just weird” was a turning point for Janet. It was the moment I decided to compulsively vote for her.

And she’s singing the great “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None The Richer, which I thought was from Romeo and Juliette, but obviously I know nothing about movie soundtracks. And she’s singing with all her quirky bohemian charm. I love her. Even if she did just seemingly slag off all pop music. I don’t care. She’s an outsider. I love her.

Amelia:

This was a great performance, once again. She can sing brilliantly, has stage presence, can do up-tempo, has attitude, I picked her in the sweepstake, etc. Seriously though, she was pretty brilliant. What’s great about Amelia is that she’s got a strong voice but can BRING IT ON in songs that aren’t just ballads. I seem to think I know what BRING IT ON means.

Tulisa decides it’s a good idea to recreate the Cheryl Cole “I’ve never heard of Crocodile Rock” moment. Gary Barlow talks about semi-tones. Kelly seems to think that she should be providing film trivia. We’ve descended into chaos here, people.

I’ve just realised that Tulisa would have only been 13 years old when Bridget Jones was in the cinemas and therefore not able to actually see it. DEAR GOD I’M OLD.

Mischa B:

The VT felt inappropriate; I’m not sure such a difficult conversation in a young women’s life should be filmed.

Onto the song, AND why didn’t Mischa B do “Listen” from Alexandra Burke Dreamgirls?  Mischa B did another great performance: emotional, if occasionally a tiny bit pitchy. But I wish that for her big ballad she’d done something more sparse, modern and stripped back. Or rapped.

Little Mix:

Oh god please let’s not base them on the Saturdays.

So a few weeks ago Kelly mentioned that Little Mix should aspire to be like En Vogue and here we are with an En Vogue song. If the Judges were more machiavellian they could be using this kind of subliminal psychology to destroy the competition: “Yay! That was amazing! Almost a hint of Daphne and Celeste in places”, etc.

But “Don’t Let Go” is admittedly the best song choice the X Factor has ever seen.  It’s my favourite ever song that references cross dressing.

They enter like they are FIERCE; they miss out the bit about cross dressing; their harmonies are spot on; their solo singing wasn’t as strong as I’d hoped; their choreography was subtle and brilliant; the key change was despicable. Mixed feelings.

Marcus:

Marcus is having an identity crisis and therefore keeps declaring he knows exactly who he is. As for the performance, that was the best use of a gospel choir to date in the X Factor. And the best Marcus performance to date: vocally tremendous, passionate, the song grew and grew until, well… I’m not sure why he finished as Jesus. But it was still great.

Bottom Two:

So that’s it: a surprisingly strong week. Personal favourite were Amelia, Little Mix and Marcus. Bottom two should be Janet and Craig; but will be Mischa and Janet. I think. Who knows?

It’s a Gaga vs. Queen theme week then. Which is entirely nonsensical, but don’t worry. At least one of the acts will surely sing Kei$ha at some point tonight.

Apart from that, what are we hoping for? Well, essentially we’re hoping for a rule change that means that Mischa B takes all six performance slots. I have everything crossed.

20:15 And so It begins! Wait, there’s a technical fault, which seems to have accidentally reinstated Goldie. At this rate we could have Gamu back by 20:35. Exciting.

20:20 X Factor is still not fixed. Oh wait now Scottish Adele is back, who is of course excellent and WHY WASN’T SHE PUT THROUGH THIS IS A FARCE, ETC, ETC.

Surely someone in the studio has suggested control, alt, delete by now? Because that could fix it you know.

20:26 You are kidding me: we’ve gone to an ad break. Any minute now the test card girl with clown is going to be pushed on stage to sing Adele, right?

20:35 So it finally begins. Has Kelly come as Gaga when Gaga is a man in the video to the song which samples Queen? If so, I get it, I like it.

Frankie reads what sounds like a script to explain his departure and helpfully reimagines reality for everyone. If only this segment had been performed as a meta-theatrical reimagining of “We Both Reached For The Gun” from Chicago instead. IF ONLY.

20:40 Kitty’s first to perform; an undeserved second trip to the bottom two last week means she needs something special tonight to stand a chance. Poor Louis attempts the only thing he knows: he tries to make Cheltenham a meaningful regional voting ground.

Kitty does a dark(ish), desperate(ish) performance of “Don’t Stop Me Now” with backing dancers pretending to be horses on a giant leash. All in all it’s pretty good.

As a side note, Mischa’s been unfairly made to look like a complete villain in that VT hasn’t she? Do they want her out this week for the headlines?

20:50 JOHN LEWIS CHRISTMAS ADVERT EVERYONE.

20:57 For Craig this week is apparently all about demonstrating exactly who he is as an artist. Hence Gary tells him note for note exactly how to make “Paparazzi” his own. The handy thing about Gaga’s songs are that they all sound excellent as ballads and therefore it can appear as if you’re “making it your own” when instead you are performing a version that Gaga has already done in concert. So I bet that’s what’s about to happen here.

20:58 Yes, that happened, but I have significant beef with this performance. Paparazzi is a modern version of “Every Breath You Take” – about slightly demented stalking. Craig, while vocally strong, over-emotes as if it’s just your standard soppy love song. “I’ll follow you until you love me”, etc, etc, Craig – this could have been creepy and amazing, like what Janet did wth the aforementioned song a few weeks back. And let’s not even get started on the gender change in the song’s lyrics.

21:06 I think I want Little Mix to win.

Ok, so this was a good performance of “Telephone”, even though the let’sgiveitagothenOKnowlet’snotbother mash up with “Radio Gaga” could have been much more interesting.  But I wish they’d done this with the bloody backing turned down a notch so that we could hear their vocals. Kelly and Gary are right: we keep getting hints of great vocals and yet they keep drowning them out in massive productions. And people never vote for massive productions on X Factor, they vote for vocals. Trust me, I’ve paid far too much attention to all 17 series [OR HOWEVER MANY THERE’VE BEEN].

Plus they did far too many telephone hands for my liking.

21:18 Janet next. I hope she continues to look like Amy Pond.

So when Joe McElderry sang “Somebody To Love” back in 2009 [YES I’M THAT SAD I CAN REFERENCE TWO YEARS AGO] what I disliked was that he practically grinned his way through the (amazing) opener “each morning I wake up I die a little”. In contrast Janet does an excellent stripped back spooky performance that significantly shifted the song’s style, all pained and achingly slowly and – wait, what’s this - none of the judges seem to understand subtly. So there. My favourite performance tonight so far [I RECOGNISE THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN FOUR].

21:25 Marcus now. All credit to him for reinterpreting the song, and yes it sort of worked, but it also felt a bit like a giant desperate we’vefoundwhatMarcusdoeswellandthat’s1950ssongsandthereforehe’sgoingtoreenactthesameperformancefromHairsprayeachweeknownomatterwhatthetheme moment.

21:36 Right, this definitely seems to be destroy Mischa week. She “stole” a song and now they’re banging on in her VT about how popular she is (albeit in a nail shop)? What’s going on here?

Either way, Mischa does a performance of “Born This Way” that shows that’s she’s too bloody good for this show. A brilliant reinterpretation, complete confidence, powerful vocal, fully in charge of the choreography. Up there with Leona’s “Summertime” and Alexandra’s “Candy Man” as one of the three all time great performances.

She’ll be in the bottom two then.

Incidentally, some of the earlier demos of Born This Way were apparently more sparsely produced than the final version, which I felt this drummer-boy performance started to get to the heart of.

21:45 OK, ok, so now we have the returning contestant. At the beginning of this year’s show I predicted Amelia would win and therefore I am in full support of her return. AND AMELIA IS BACK! Thank God for that. Apparently Scottish TV accidentally leaked this twenty minutes early – Literary Agent Ex-Flatmate, what do you think of that? Pioneering? Or a big accident?

21:55 Amelia performs an impressively confident and powerful version of “The Show Must Go On”, which (behind Mischa B) totally stole the show.  She hits a massive big note and the end and – to repeat what I wrote in week one – “Amelia has the most potential to sing high notes in-tune loudly, which ultimately is what wins this show for you”.

That’ll be her with Mischa in the bottom two then, won’t it, just to prove me wrong.

Incidentally, I liked that none of the other three potential returnees were allowed beyond backstage, as though they are now forever still lost in X Factor limbo.

21:58 So that’s it. I mostly enjoyed it. Even the techincal hitch. Is that wrong? As for my bottom two prediction: Kitty and (sadly) I fear for Mischa B due to the weird narrative around her tonight. Please share your thoughts, predictions and love for Mischa B below.

I’m back very small group of people who more often than not I emotionally blackmail into reading this Readers!

Well, what’s happened since I’ve been away? Basically, I find myself flying in the face of public opinion. I liked Alexandra Burke as a judge. I still like Kelly Rowland. I really like Mischa B. I think okay.com is a legitimate phrase. Swagger Jagger is a tremendous, defiant pop record. I think the Alternative Vote would be a better electoral voting system. I thought last week’s creepy crimped hair performance by Janet was her best to date.

Moving swiftly on, this week had a “Club Classics” theme. Which I think we can all agree sounds legitimately hideous. All in all, what kind of club night did we have? I’d say it was the kind of night where at least three of the party end up crying hysterically in the toilets. That, and, well, essentially it was a club night from 26 years ago. That’s right, the average release date of the songs performed was 1986. I took the trouble to work that our with wikipedia, a word document and a calculator. And yes, I do judge myself for that.

But let’s accept things for what they are and thank ourselves for small mercies: at least no-one performed “Build Me Up Buttercup”.

Johnny:

Imagine if Johnny had performed a dance remix of Madonna’s “Frozen” instead of this painful frantic karaoke medley? That could have been good, couldn’t it? Imagine.

Janet:

I liked Janet last week. Her slightly off-key performance actually worked to deliver a creepy off-beat version of “I’ll Be Watching You”, nailing the heart of the song. But this week Janet s finally doing an “upbeat song”. By previous weeks’ definitions this means we’ll be experiencing beats-per-minute as frantic as “Set Fire To The Rain” or “Sweet Child Of Mine – backed by harp”.

Despite the tuning issues, Janet doing the Jackson 5 worked for me . Her hippy interpretation of “I Want You Back” hit the mark, while – added bonus – her new hair style recalls Amy Pond. What I’d really like to have seen her done is a dark club ballad, like, well, maybe an dance remix of Madonna’s “Frozen” or something [I don't actually know any other dark club ballads but like the idea].

Craig:

So this sort of worked. But he shouldn’t have bothered with the choreography. You don’t have to dance to a routine to perform an upbeat song. I hope Craig stays as, if they can model him as a 2011 Will Young, there’s potential here. In fact, Craig should have done “Jealousy”, shouldn’t he? That’s sort of a dark club ballad, isn’t it?

The Risk:

Meh. It was OK.

Marcus:

This week, Marcus was almost comparable to this. Which is high praise indeed. Marcus has successfully found a niche (both dancing and singing like he knows what he’s doing) and is looking like the potential winner here. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, etc.

Kitty:

Kitty’s VTs are the best. “Post-apocalyptic – I want to be dead at the beginning on a zip wire with lots of chorography, just like Sister Act II”. If only this had actually been the performance.

Instead, we got the Glee version of “Like A Prayer” with a dancing gospel choir. Ultimately, it was bit boring (and flat) at the beginning, but got a lot better when she adlibbed at the end.

I want her to stay, because when it works it’s spot on. I just wish she’d done a dark club ballad like an upbeat remix of Madonna’s “Frozen” [ALRIGHT, I’LL BLOODY THINK OF ANOTHER EXAMPLE] Robyn’s brilliant “Dancing On My Own”.

Wait a minute – Kitty in the corner of the stage, belting out a little-known Robyn song, while dancing alone with mascara streaming down her face, parodying her own dramatic personae. Possibly on a zip wire. Please god do this next week, Kitty.

Frankie:

I think X Factor reached its lowest low during Frankie’s third “Let’s do it” in the middle 8.

But don’t boo him, idiot audience. Completely out of order.

Louis Walsh reaches a personal high point by sticking his fingers in his ears while screaming “I’m not listening to you, Kelly”. Well done, Louis.

Mischa B:

Can Mischa B and Marcus start a band? That would be good wouldn’t it? Imagine.

I love everything about Mischa B and she was miles better than everyone else, once again. Every week she’s completely on top of her performance and – importantly – doesn’t look she’s pretending to be a popstar. And yet the public are going to vote her out because of a rumour that she once possibly said something mean to someone.

Little Mix:

I’ve become a Little Mix fan. Mainly because last week it became apparent that they can all actually sing. And harmonise. And dance.

Sadly, this wasn’t ET (NOTE: NEW BASIC BENCHMARK FOR QUALITY OF LITTLE MIX PERFORMANCES], mostly because it was a straight-forward copy of Rihanna, whereas where they’ll shine is by doing something a bit different to the original. Plus their voices were a bit overwhelmed by the backing. But I’m still gunning for you, Little Mix.

Unexpected conclusion paragraph:

In terms of the bottom two, I’m predicting Frankie and (unfortunately) Kitty.

I know the ratings are dropping, but I actually think the show is getting better. Remember last year we there was actually no constructive criticism at all? Well this year we have Gary’s comments which are spot on; often Kelly’s are too; and when Tulisa isn’t focussing on “personality”, she’s mostly talking sense as well. The song choices, however, are heading back in the wrong direction to obvious karaoke classics. IDEA: next week let’s have a “past contestants” week, with each act performing a song released by a former contestant. Imagine Little Mix’s “Swagger Jagger”, Mischa’s “Bad Boys”, and Kitty’s “Bleeding Love”.

Hello readers! I know, I know, Rock Week is likely to be unbearable. So let’s try and find ourselves a safe reference point for this week to hold onto throughout. Back in the olden days, week three used to mean “Big Band Week”. This arguably brought us some of the show’s best performances, including Leona Lewis’s game-changing “Summertime” in 2008. This seminal performance is today’s point of comparison.

On the other hand, past Rock Weeks have brought us…*gaping, aching silence*.

Marcus:

What I liked about Marcus’ performance was that he didn’t try to do rock, but instead made a rock song pop. Which is really the only way to make “Rock Week” work here, i.e. in a competition with ten pop acts.

Janet:

I liked the concept of “rock song as ballad, with harp”, but couldn’t help but wish she’d done an unnerving performance of “Tainted Love” instead, as is currently on that gum disease advert. If Rock Week doesn’t even bring out something different from Janet, then she’s running the risk of doing the same performance each week. Oh god, my comments are aligning with Louis Walsh. Ignore everything I’m saying.

Sami:

Sami’s performs Cher’s “Turn Back Time” and it all feels like something from Pop Idol Series 2.  That’s not a good thing: no-one came out of that show well. Sami – who could be performing stripped-back songs with a massive voce – is being completely wasted with these songs.

And then the song ends and Sami verbalises the full atrocities of “phone hand” by begging for votes, even in spite of the current economic situation. Imagine if she won and continued to do this after every performance re buying her records. “YOU CAN GET THE WHOLE ALBUM FOR £1.99 FROM SOME ONLINE RETAILERS – PLEASE JUST BUY IT”.

I love Gary Barlow telling off people for swearing. We’d get on.

Rhythmix:

The VT desperately tries to create an individual personality for each girl, as this is essential. My favourite is “the one who washes the chopping board”.

They’re performing Keisha. Oh, Keisha is rock? Or is it the concept of neon colours that is rock? Or is it a backing dancer break-dancing? No, wait, it must be Salt n Peppa that makes it rock.

Wait, none of those things are actually rock. Don’t panic though, Tulisa defines rock for us as any song with “a guitar” in it. Thank god for that. *Redefines 97% of the songs on my iphone as rock*

That aside, the performance was once again quite good. But Kelly Rolland is right (AS ALWAYS): it’s not good enough yet for them to be a girlband that will sell records. If I were them I’d spend the next week watching Eternal videos on youtube (NOTE: I DO THIS ANYWAY).

Sophie:

According to the VT Sophie is going to finally stand out this week (whereas I thought she already had, in week one), which she delivers by singing a ballad with a piano in exactly the same way she’s performed for the last two weeks. Also, unfortunately, she’s slightly pitchy on the high notes *Dannii Minogue face*.

She still has one of the most interesting voices of the competition.

New thing this year: the judges seem to sing along to their act’s performance. Hoping by week five we will have a situation where Kelly Rowland storms the stage and grabs the mic to finish the song herself.

Craig:

I enjoyed the backstage moment of seeing Craig crying at Nu Vibe while a makeup artist ignored it and tried to continue doing his face.

Craig’s version of “Stop Crying You’re Heart Out” is pretty good but not as good as Leona Lewis’ version and this sentence shows how far from Rock we are here.

Along with Gary, Kelly Rowland is the best thing about the show this year and her lesson to Tulisa about respecting the roots of the music is a stand out moment.

Kitty:

Kitty’s VT’s continue to be a masterpiece in, well, I don’t even know what. But they are masterpieces.

I like it – her vocal is spot on – but I spend the whole performance worrying that Kitty may burst into tears half way through. Anyone else feel this?

I can’t wait for the week Kitty performs “Help” while a house deconstructs around her.

Frankie:

Right. There is some weird positioning going on here. Johnny “goes out” and doesn’t really care about the competition. This is not the way to win votes. Or is it? Is this what we want from Frankie? I have no idea.

But ultimately the problem is his voice is starting to sound a bit like a boyband singer. The one who is 4th best at singing in the band. Which would be fine if he could show credibility in other ways, by writing his own songs, or something.

Gary does something amazing by admitting that he lied last week and actually Frankie was indeed awful. And then essentially he says Frankie was just OK this week. Gary you are brilliant and are saving this show.

The Risk:

Performed well, good vocals, work well as a band, a bit different to the boybands we’ve had before.

Possibly the furthest from Rock we’ve ever been.

Johnny:

Next week I vote that there’s no singing and instead we get 1 hour 30 minutes of Johnny and Janet on a sofa discussing their respective credibility.

I’m putting it out there now: I think I want Johnny to win. I want him to come back next year with an album full of creepy but tragic, stripped-down love songs as an ode to Gary.

Mischa:

Tulisa demonstrates the importance of anti-bullying by attacking a 19 year old girl’s personality live on TV. Well done Tulisa.

Moving on from that, Mischa is again miles ahead of anyone else, with a fully amazing vocal and performance of “Purple Rain”. Kelly Rowland’s coaching in the VT is also brilliant (“no ‘owwc’ this week please”). We end with the only act comparable with Leona Lewis’ “Summertime”.

So there we go. As for bottom two I’d go for (SADLY) Marcus and Sophie, because he went first and because Sophie’s subtly quite brilliant and therefore won’t stand a chance.

Week Two. Last week our benchmark for assessing an act’s quality was: can they both sing AND rap. This week’s yardstick: is their performance as good as Cher Lloyd’s week two performance of “Hard Knock Life” from last year?

And like Gary Barlow, I don’t want silly, I don’t want “fun”. I want taking-it-seriously performances followed by constructive criticism. With rap.

As I’m late with this week’s blog, a personal challenge for me: can I sum up each act in one tweet-worthy sentence? *Rolls sleeves up*.

Nu Vibe:

Nu Vibe do a slightly ridiculous version of “With or Without You”; Louis Walsh says first sensible comment this year (“there is no chemistry”); and if I keep putting in semi-colons I can extend a sentence forever.

Verdict: not as good as Cher’s “Hard Knock Life”.

It has become apparent that Scottish TV Player’s graphics cannot cope if any of the acts move, so here’s hoping the rest of the acts stand petrifyingly still.

Sami:

Sami should be modelled as a sort-of-new-Adele, singing slow building stripped back love songs with piano accompaniment; instead Louis has her singing an over-produced version of the ultimate karaoke ballad and is relying on Wales voting her through.

Sadly, not up to Cher’s standard.

Craig:

I have no idea how I feel about this diva-ish performance of “Beyonce”, which means Craig must definitely stay (and just turn down the over-acting a notch).

Comparable to Cher Lloyd’s “Hard Knock Life”.

Janet:

She is so similar to Diana Vickers isn’t she – which is no bad thing – and this performance was beautiful and compelling; next week, I’d love her to try something up-beat to demonstrate another side. Yes, I recognise that was two sentences desperately fused together by an inappropriate semi-colon.

Not sure where this stands in comparison to Cher Lloyd, but I want to see more of Janet.

Frankie:

If they are marketing Frankie on his unique “performability” then he needs to do something interesting rather than trying to belt out guitar ballads that he can’t really sing.

Kelly’s comments make my blog redundant and next week I’ll just write a transcript of “what Kelly Rowland said – and also what Gary Barlow said, apart from when he’s commenting on his own acts”.

I give up on the Cher Lloyd comparisons. And also on the one sentences.

Johnny:

Louis Walsh pays attention to no-one’s comments from last week and dresses Johnny as a Geisha singing Kylie. I don’t find it funny, just bleak, a comment Gary echoes (in my timeline; in his (and the rest of the world’s) timelines technically I echo him. Dr Who has taught me a lot).

Marcus:

Well done to Gary Barlow for telling Marcus that he can’t smile during a sad song (enormous X Factor pet hate). While the song was too big for him, there are two things I liked about Marcus’ performance: (1) he sang it with feeling and (2) that the X Factor has moved forward to the point where an odd but amazing Rihanna song that no one was really sure about at the time is being performed rather than that one ballad version of “Umbrella”. Next week it will be little known Siobhan Donaghy b-sides, I bet you.

Rhythmix:

Alright, Rhythmix, no need to over emote every note there. But otherwise not a bad effort at all; in-tune, energetic, interesting. No rap, but still, it must be said that Tulisa is mentoring all the groups better than anyone has previously. *Thinks back to Louis Walsh making JLS sing Last Christmas in matching white suits*.

Mischa B:

I threw a pencil case at the screen. She’s in a different league to the other contestants.

Better than Cher Lloyd’s “Hard Knock Life”. There, I said it.

The Risk:

They make Nu Vibe look silly.

Tulisa tries to claim again that fate would have brought these individuals together anyway (no it wouldn’t; and it’s OK to be manufactured).

Sophie:

I don’t understand how a fringe can come and go so easily. But otherwise, I love Sophie’s voice and her ability to build a song without a completely inappropriate key change.

Kitty:

When she tells Dermot that she’s “having a great time” she sounds like she’s about to cry, which makes me feel increasingly uncomfortable that someone obviously vulnerable is in a position of increasing public negativity. The performance was well acted, the voice strong, though it seemed more angry than quirky crazy in love.

And there we have it. Please share your thoughts below and bottom two predictions. Basically it’s going to be Kitty and Nu Vibe, right?

So it’s that time of year again! *Downs a mulled wine*. Which means the Almost Live Blogging of the X Factor is back for a third year, in the desperate hope that one day, someone, somewhere might actually pay me to write something like this on an apple mac or EVEN BLOODY OFFER ME A BOOK DEAL (hello Literary Agent Ex-Flatmate).

A lot’s changed in a year. Most significantly I can now only express thoughts about TV in 140 characters. #BringBackCherLloyd.

And a lot’s also changed on the X Factor. The show has returned completely brand new and in no way do we seem to have Diana Vickers, Katie Waissel and Tabby (for god’s sake) back in the Live Shows.

But what have we learnt from the last three years? Basically, we’re now only really interested if you can sing AND rap. That is the essential criteria  by which we will judging the whole show this year.

That and whether the dog I’m dog-sitting for likes it. Good luck contestants!

19:30: It begins. The dog’s asleep. “Do we think the first half hour is going to be all flashbacks?” – The Boyfriend.

19:33: The Judges enter. Tulisa pioneers a strange arm movement when her name is called, like a Gladiator used to do. Next week she might do the Jet hair flick. The Twist is announced, which I think we all knew about because we all read Digital Spy.

19:35: Amelia opens. Normally this would mean that she would be leaving, but The Twist changes everything. I’m confidently putting it out there now: Amelia is going to win.

Her family mock her new popstar hair and then Kelly Rowland announces “she’s my little popstar”. Err, did Cheryl Cole not copywrite this?

Amelia does a guitar-heavy version of Billie Jean and I like it. However, something goes awry in the chorus where she both sounds very in tune and also a bit out of tune. She’s still my favourite.

Let’s cut to it: she has the most potential to sing high notes in-tune loudly, which ultimately is what wins this show for you.

19:43 The dog’s woken up for the Yeo Valley advert.

19:47 Johnny had a chance in this show, and that chance was in singing strangely tragic ballads. It was not in arriving via a giant disco ball dressed in tinfoil. Louis really knows how to get the best out of his acts.

Gary just said what I wrote.

The dog barks.

19:58 Rhythmix are next. Their VT is mostly about them getting a haircut. That is not the way to win it girls.

RHYTHMIX ARE RAPPING. I take back everything negative I’ve ever said about them. It’s less good when they’re singing but IGNORE THAT, THEY RAPPED. They are going to storm it in Cher Lloyd week.

We seem to have lost the dog.

20:05 Frankie next. I love how seriously Gary is taking this. I would be exactly the same. Anyone who’s ever seen me playing “Risk” would confirm that.

Frankie’s unfortunately dressed like an over-styled middle aged woman. I don’t get Frankie. I feel like he’s one of the acts that the judges will rave over but the public won’t vote for. Like that person in Fame Academy 2 that I can’t remember the name of [EDIT - HIS NAME WAS PETE].

The dog is desperately licking everything.

20:10 It’s Sophie. Kelly Rowland just said “pub” in her VT. Brilliant. I say “restroom” in my head in return.

Sophie surprises with a great version of Blaine’s Katy Perry’s best song “Teenage Dream”. She looks confident, sounds great from the off and is captivating. My new favourite.

20:22 JonJo rocks up next, who I have in the work sweepstake. I have to support him.

Oh Louis.

The purple suit, the karaoke song choice, the lacklustre singing.

Kelly Rowland says she has no time for nerves. I love her.

20:31 Having a mid-live blog crisis. “I want to give it up” I tell the Boyfriend as I try to simultaneously go to the loo and pour myself another glass of wine.

20:34 Two Shoes are on. I don’t understand the name. Do they each represent one shoe? It seems so as she calls her baby a “shoe”.

Is it wrong that I spend the whole performance wondering if Kelly Rolland has ever heard a Girls Aloud song before? What does she think of it? Does she get how innovative Xenomania’s rewriting of pop music was? And then Tulisa sort of ruins the whole daydream by saying that Two Shoes are relevant because Essex is current right now.

Gary says “I like fun” in the same way I do when attempting to stay casual when playing a board game. I love him more.

20:42 James. I don’t really have an opinion on James. He sings a few ropey high notes and seems unconfident.

20:51 Mischa is covering the no.1 UK artist right now according to Kelly. Not another Katy Perry song? I’ve loved Misha in the auditions: she can definitely both sing and rap.

And I love everything about this performance of “Rolling In The Deep”. EVERYTHING. This is definitely what the X Factor should be about.

The public will vote her out in week 5 because they will misinterpret her star quality as over-confidence.

MY NEW FAVOURITE EVERYONE.

20:56 One of the generic manufactured boybands performs.

Their vocals just aren’t strong enough. As if they know this, two members show their stomachs at the end.

In the comments, Kelly Rowland is brilliant, subtly exposing Tulisa’s overblown statement that “they are the new generation of boyband”. I love Kelly and Gary and their rallying against the vacuous statements that threaten to make this show meaningless.

21:09 The dog is trying to position himself in between us and the TV.

Marcus sings “Move Like Jagger”. It’s both good and also a little lacklustre but ultimately I like it and his slightly nervous dancing on his own. I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her, etc, etc.

21:15 Louis picks Ultra Nate’s “Free” from 1997 for Sami, which I fear Louis sees as contemporary.  I quite like her performance but recognise that Louis will definitely ruin it all for her. There’s too much faff going on here, when it needs to seem authentic with just her and her voice if she is to stand a chance *Gary face*.

21:28 It’s The Risk. They are portrayed as taking it much more seriously than other generic manufactured boyband. I warm to them. I bet they’d be worthy boardgame opponents.

They are vocally much stronger than the other groups. But need to be more exciting.

AND THEN ONE OF THEM RAPS. THEY MUST WIN.

21:34 I liked Craig’s auditions – especially his version of “Halo” where he went lower throughout the song instead of higher. And I sort of like his “Jar of Hearts”, but find it strangely overacted. He seems to be pulling “angry face”.

21:45 The first time Katie Waissel was in this she did a Queen song in week one too.

And like with Katie Waissel the first time round, I dread the public and media backlash towards someone who just wants it a bit too much.

I find her performance strangely sad, but also quite good. The crowd don’t know how to react, increasing the awkward sadness.

Tulisa, Gary and Kelly’s comments are spot on. I thank the lord for the new judges.

21:53 The first time Diana Vickers was in this she did a Coldplay song in week one too.

I’m a little bit won over by her. Next week she better be on roller-skates with back-combed hair and sing Blondie with her back to the audience.

21:56 If anyone’s got this far DEAR GOD THANK YOU AND WELL DONE.

Overall, can I just say, this year is such an improvement. Firstly, everyone seems to be taking this more seriously. Gary mentions “double choruses”; Tulisa looks like she’s actually mentoring her acts in the VTs; Kelly tries to throw pens at the acts she likes. The new judges aren’t just saying meaningless positive comments, but genuine constructive criticism. They’ve turned down the backing singers. Tulisa, Gary and Kelly’s song choices are better than what we used to get. Songs are sung that no one’s done before. New arrangements of songs are being performed. Predominately songs released in the last year. The show is much better for this.

Finally, my predictions for who’s going: James, Amelia (even though I said she would win it), JonJo and NuVibe. Please join in with your predictions and comments below.

19.05: The beginning of the end. We’re left with three acts. Three acts who can all sing ballads quite well. Not sensationally well, like Leona Lewis, or with great performability*, like Alexandra Burke, or with relevant dance moves, like JLS. But still quite well.

I have a bottle of wine and some angel delight here, so am fully prepared.

19.19: Oh my god, angel delight is amazing, isn’t it?

19.29: I like the bit at the beginning of the show, where they show clips from yesterday focusing on just one note from each contestant. It creates one long confused-sounding wail.

19.34: The three finalists are all singing  “Never Forget”. One Direction start and struggle to sing all at the same time. Bodes well. Rebecca actually sounds sounds better in these Group songs – in fact she sounds brilliant in this one. Matt clutches his stomach as he sings and sadly still sounds like tonsillitis.

TAKE THAT – SURPRISE GUESTS! – HAVE ENTERED AND MADE EVERYTHING VERY MUCH BETTER.

I wish Cher was on stage right now. Incidentally, this morning I woke up and excitedly announced to The Boyfriend that I’d just realised that Will.i.am was a witty way of writing William.

19.49: So I’m supporting Matt tonight. I won’t go as far as voting of course, but my support is there.

He’s sings “Firework”. “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?” is one of the strangest song openers; however, I do enjoy this song and – most importantly – it’s contemporary. Matt looks ill, but he’s hitting all the high notes with some oomph. I feel tremendous empathy as I used to suffer from frequent tonsillitis. 

Louis Walsh is always amazing. “Matt: all I want to say is, you’re in the final”.

20.01: Oh god, One Direction are doing “Torn”. Possibly the best pop song ever. This is sacrilegious.

I am so upset by this. They are BLOODY SMILING THEIR WAY THROUGH TORN.  IT IS NOT A HAPPY SONG. GET OUT NOW.

20.08:  I don’t know if I can write any more.

20.13: *Starts desperate Facebook attempt to get Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” to Christmas number one*.

20.15: I haven’t finished yet: they went a step too far when they changed the lyrics to Torn. I don’t care if the gender was wrong, One Direction. Just sing it how it is. Don’t change the whole meaning of the song by being the “man brought to life”. It doesn’t work.

I’m missed Rebecca’s performance because I can only see red.

Oh god they just played a clip of Torn again.

20.19: Thankfully, I’ve been distracted by the return of Chloe from the auditions. But come on people: try a bit harder. You’re getting the lyrics to Bad Romance all wrong. This is clumsy.

Chloe *owned* that song.

(I’m trying to find it funny that they’ve now just destroyed probably the second best pop song of all time. Inside I’m wailing).

20.28: Who is going to go first then? I’m predicting Rebecca. I feel genuinely nervous. I don’t know why.

I am wrong…ONE DIRECTION ARE OUT. BIG SHOCKER.

Literary Agent Flatmate is pleased that they’ve come one place lower than JLS. It does feel about right.

20.33: So we’re left with Matt and Rebecca. I’d say it’s got to be Matt that wins, but after that shocker I just don’t know. I can’t wait to see the voting stats. *enormous geek face*.

20.40: I am now adamantly supporting Matt as I want Dannii to win. That’s the way we should think about these things, right?

But what is this song he’s singing? As Literary Agent Flatmate says, it’s no Hallelujah. Why couldn’t Matt have done Torn? Now, *he* might have just done it justice.

Matt ends his winner’s song on his knees wailing. This is what I’ve always asked for from a contestant, so he consolidates my support.

He also plays the bloody guitar, people. Not in this song, but in others. What more does it take?

20.52: Rebecca sings her winner’s single, which she does very well, but again why does the energy always feel a bit lacking when she performs? I think her niche is dreamy, wistful ballads c.f. Norah Jones rather than big belters like this.

When the winner is announced is there any way Katie could run on stage, push the winner out of the way and scream “I’m the real winner here”. And then launch into her amazing performance from the Jungle Book.

21.03: Dermot just said there’s a surprise after the break? What could it be? There have been rumours of Prince and/or Cher. But hopefully it’s something involving Cher Lloyd.

It’s Take That, who I am loving at the moment: I have decided that “The Flood” is a pop masterpiece. It’s like a Robbie song mashed with a Take That song and the tension between the two styles makes it amazing, awkward and exciting.

I think that’s the most pretentious thing I’ve ever written on this blog. But I love it.

21.14: All I want know is the voting statistics from the series. That is all.

And the results are in. It is, it is, it is……

I wish it was Cher. But it’s Dannii! I mean Matt. Congratulations to Matt! The favourite from the start and a great singer with an amazing falsetto. After Cher and Katie Waissel, he’s a worthy winner. Here’s hoping he gets given some great material.

And that is it. Thank you very much to everyone who’s read and commented! I’ll see you all at Cher’s first gig.

Where are these voting stats then?

*If likeability is a word, why not performability.