No, as it turns out. Way back in January 2010, I wrote ten popular culture predictions for the year, only to completely forget that I’d ever done it. Luckily, I recorded them here for posterity and remembered all about it yesterday, due to this unexpected event. So, let’s belatedly review my predictions and see just how clever I am.

1. A Friends reunion film will be announced.

No, this was completely wrong. And Courtney Cox has now said it’s never going to happen. Madness, I say (AT LEAST DO A ONE OFF CHRISTMAS TV SPECIAL FOR GOD’S SAKE).

2. The current Sugababes (version 4) will implode.

Yes! This sort of happened. Well, they released an awkwardly delayed album and went on a bit of a break. Does that count as an implosion? They’re back this year, so we’ll see what happens. I’ll give myself half a point for this anyway as 2010 did feel like the beginning of the end.

Sadly, version 1 did not rise from their ashes. Siobahn Donaghy, my message to you is: please hurry up and release another album.

*Goes away to listen to “So You Say” on repeat whilst weeping quietly*.

3. Dannii will leave the X Factor and be replaced by Robbie Williams/Victoria Beckham/Eminem.

Well, no, this didn’t happen. But Dannii has (sadly) now left, along with Cheryl, much more surprisingly. And in the rumours of who would replace them, all three of the above names were mentioned. A quarter of a point here then.

4. Robbie and Take That will properly reform.

Yes, this definitely actually happened, producing a record breaking album, tour and one of Take That’s best ever singles in ”The Flood”.

5. Twitter will be replaced with an even more relevant social networking tool.

Twitter still rules.

6. Peter and Katie will get back together.

It was rumoured several times, but never happened.

7. A group will win the X Factor 2010.

One Direction got closer than a group’s ever got before (unless you count G4. Oh and JLS: they both came 2nd. And Same Difference who came third. Didn’t even Journey South come third?). So, no, this still hasn’t happened; though 2011′s got to be the year, surely? With three of the judges coming from groups?

8. Eternal will reform.

On reflection, this was possibly more wishful thinking than a prediction. But if I say it enough times I’ll surely will it into existence.

9. The ginger haired one from Girls Aloud will become the new Kate Bush, against all expectations.

Yes; sort of. It didn’t happen in 2010, but it’s very much happening in 2011, so I definitely deserve at least a quarter of a point for this one. Nicola’s sound is like a poppier Robyn, with a splash of Siobhan Donaghy, which is close enough to Kate Bush. In that it’s not really like her at all, but it is a bit quirky.

10. Something truly shocking will happen on Big Brother.

The most shocking thing about Big Brother 2011 was that it was a triumph: recapturing some of the magic it had in its early days, when it was more about interesting(ish) people and their interactions, rather than extreme tasks. So half a point here too.

In total, I got 2.5 out of 10, which I wouldn’t say is a resounding success, especially as some of the above scoring is highly dubious. *Abandons all plans to become a TV psychic*.

Please do share your thoughts on the above, plus any predictions you have for 2011 in the comments below.

I thought long and hard about how best to return to the blogging scene. Only this morning, I walked past Rachel Stevens (or was she sitting there, waiting for me to come by? It’s possible) and thought to myself, ‘Yes. I’m totally ready to start almost-but-not-quite liveblogging Strictly Come Dancing.’ Alas for me but even more so for you, SCD is still some way off (though not as way off as Series 3 of Miranda: I occasionally wake up in a cold sweat convinced that it won’t return at all. 2012? TWO THOUSAND AND WHAT I CALL TWELVE?!). And so I turn to a subject just as close to my heart: the musical magnificence and boyish brilliance of JLS. By the end of this post, my one hope is that you too will put your hands up (and then down again, because you need to comment on the post pronto. Blog comments are like happy-birthday messages on Facebook: the only true measures of happiness).

Reason 1: They’re not One Direction. I think we can all admit that we didn’t realise quite how much we loved JLS until the soul-destroying rise  of One Direction on last year’s X Factor. You know it’s true. One Direction are the antiChristJLS. JLS came together because Oritse wanted to raise money to find a cure for his mother’s multiple sclerosis. I imagine Simon Cowell’s reasons for fusing four (three? I lose count) middle-class Bieber boys and a token ethnic one into the slick chemistry-vacuum that is One Direction were fairly similar.

Compare and contrast: watch?v=4Vgtzs0qMYc vs watch?v=lYi1taWoRCo

Reason 2: They’re aware of their place in history. When JLS lost to Alexandra in the final and were asked how they felt, they took the standard response of ‘it’s been an amazing journey’ and gave it a wholly unexpected twist by comparing themselves to recent president-elect Barack Obama*, adding that ’because of us, others can have hope.’ Yes they can, JLS, yes they can.

*If being leader of the free world doesn’t work out, Obama could easily be the fifth member of JLS. The man has got some moves and grooves: watch?v=x1-JZ4NgyIM

Reason 3: They’re all about the colour-coordination. I recently asked my flatmates – one of whom has seen Boyzone in concert ‘nine, ten times maybe’; the other of whom is Mark - to name the members of Westlife. Try it yourself, reader. It’s actually impossible. Despite being (cue booming X Factor voice) The Most Successful Boy Band Of The Last Decade with 44 Million Sales Worldwide, Westlife are almost a complete blank. So I applaud and love JLS for introducing at a very early stage the concept of matching their members to individual colours, as if – even then – they were afraid of this same sad oblivious fate befalling them (not that it EVER will while I’m around: Aston (blue), Marvin (green), JB (yellow) and Oritse (red) ).

C'est chic.

Reason 4: They’re very good boys. Yes, where there’s colour coordination, there’s excellent merchandising. And I think we all know what merchandising I’m talking about.

Reason 5: They’re also bad boys. The Alexandra/JLS medley was X Factor’s finest hour: fact. Words cannot do it justice, so just watch the sparks of pop perfection fly: watch?v=NdgXMfLobJA (and before you say anything, Oritse’s bit was meant to sound like that: it’s soulful. Pure coincidence that his mike seems to switch itself off immediately afterwards)

Reason 6: They love a bit of literal choreography. Need to express via dance the poetic notion of a heart that won’t beat again? Wondering how to convey through mime the impossibility of eating or sleeping? How to capture in mere physical gesture the invitation to get ‘up’ on one? Never be afraid of literal choreography, young boy bander: it’s your friend. That’s the whole point of lyrics like ‘everybody in love, go on put your hands up’ – which is not to be confused with ‘everybody everywhere throw your hands in the air’ being from a different song entirely.

Reason 7: They have impeccable taste in musical theatre. Second albums are notoriously difficult, and some might say JLS made it even harder on themselves when they chose to lead theirs with a single that sampled the musical to end all musicals, ‘The Sound of Music’. But I say: they took a classic, they made it their own – and I don’t doubt that it regularly gets airplay in the alpine retreat of Dame Julie herself.

Reason 8: They try really hard to make hats cool. Sweet. Doomed, but sweet.

Top Hats.

Reason 9: They restored Gordon Brown to the bosom of the nation’s affections. I love Gordon Brown like I love all flawed Shakespearean villains. I damn near cried when, rejected by the entire nation for the drippy likes of Clegg and Cameron (for the love of GOD), he gave his brave little farewell speech (“I have been privileged to learn much about the very best in human nature and a fair amount too about its frailties, including my own” – how much more Shakespearean can one man and his speech-writing team get?!) and then led his family out of Downing Street to a new life in total obscurity/Fife. So when JLS took time out from their pop-tastic lives to share an affectionate fist-pump with Gord and invite him down the pub during their Comic Relief sketch, my joy was unconfined. JLS are, in many ways, the Princess Diana of the 21st century.

Reason 10: REASON TEN? I’m on reason ten already and yet I’ve barely begun. We haven’t even discussed the cheery catchiness of their songs; the kinetic wonder of Aston’s backflipping; the sheer hotness of Marvin; the intricacies of JB’s head; their whole-hearted embrace of old-fashioned boy-band tropes; their endearing awkwardness when paired up with totally age-inappropriate love interests in the Everybody in Love video; the recent revelation that they love to warm up with a spot of Eurovision…so to finish, I need to somehow sum up the joyful quintessence of JLS. But how? But how? BUT HOW?!

Here’s how:  watch?v=NhVLSHsDV_c

…that’d be OK”.* At least it seems that way in pop music nowadays. Last year’s X Factor winner Joe Mcelderry has come out to, well, minimal shock or horror and no suggestion that a helpline need be set up. Whilst in 2010 gay male popstars aren’t in short supply, Joe should be recognised and applauded for pushing at least one boundary: at 19, he may well be the youngest ever popstar to out himself to the entire nation.

Thankfully in 2010, there’s very little suggestion that Joe’s sexuality might negatively affect his musical career and countless examples to prove it won’t (Boyzone, Westlife, The Feeling, Scissor Sisters). Lucky Joe is also walking in someone else’s footsteps: almost eight years earlier Will Young traversed an almost identical path. Realty TV shows like Pop Idol give record companies less say over the artists they must take on; and, back in 2002, when Will Young won the first ever Pop Idol, his record company happened to get a gay winner. Like Joe, Will was a pioneer in that he came out at the beginning of what’s proven to be a multi-million selling pop career.

Will was out, but in early interviews was always reluctant to discuss his private life. To quote his News Of The World coming out article:

“I don’t wish to talk about it any further and I hope that people will respect that as my private life is my private life […] I’ve always been discreet… I’m not a campaigner when it comes to my sexuality”.

And fair enough: no-one should either feel forced to talk about their sexuality or to keep quiet about it. But, I couldn’t help but feel slightly sad at these comments. The implication is that it’s OK to be gay, but it’s something very private and it’s better not to talk about the details. Growing up, what I really wanted was a gay popstar who was willing to talk – and occasionally sing – about being gay.

And the “sing about it” is where it gets interesting (I promise), in that being gay creates a tension for a popstar. At the core of this career choice is the need to sing about your love life very, well, publically. And whilst songs – particularly in pop – don’t need to be autobiographical, if you want to be a vaguely credible artist there’s the need for *some* illusion that you are singing from experience.

Which leads me to nicely to the point of this blog post: in 2010 it is OK to be a gay popstar, but it’s still not that OK to sing about it. I can hardly think of a mainstream pop song, sung by a man, explicitly to another man.

And you say: it shouldn’t really matter if there is a gender reference or not, right? Universality is often the key to a great song and love is love. Which is fine, until you think that in your average straight male artist’s repertoire I bet you there’ll be – at some point – the odd reference to “woman”, “she” or “girl”. Or a music video with a mysterious female in it. Rather than gender references not mattering, it seems that in songs sung by gay men they’re actively avoided in favour of neutrality.

As a gay person you’re constantly surrounded by representations of heterosexual relationships: most music videos contain a male-female relationship. TV bed adverts (my pet hate) show exclusively heterosexual couples (gay people don’t need beds). In fact, virtually every TV advert that depicts a relationship shows a heterosexual one. Which in both pop music and TV advertising might seem fair enough, with approximately 90% of the population being straight. But it would be nice if there was even just the odd mainstream pop song sung by a man to a “he” or “man”. I think many gay men do want this: I remember the online debates about whether Boyzone’s first single after Stephen Gately came out included him singing “oh boy” (it didn’t, it was “oh baby”).

Scrolling through my iPod, I can find but one example in mainstream pop. Over the years Will Young did open up more about his sexuality, leading the pack in 2005 by singing about “Mr Fabulous” in his hit single “Switch It On”; and then spoils us even more with a brilliant music video that happens to be a gay spoof to Top Gun.

And it’s not all doom and gloom: I did also find a few examples of artists singing about gay experiences. The Feeling’s “Rose” is a fantastic metaphor for alternative sexuality; whilst the Scissor Sister’s “Take Your Mama” is a guide for coming out to your mum. Both are quite coded, but all the better for it because they offer numerous interpretations for the listener. But I still rack my brain, and my iPod, to find a simple love song sung by a man, to another man. Is it the last pop music taboo? Or is it because my musical encyclopaedia is too small (and if so please do prove me wrong in the comments section. Or if you agree, comment anyway. It helps create a “buzz” around my blog, which helps me prove to Literary Agent Flatmate that I should be published immediately).

Onwards, and Boyzone’s 2008 single “Better” deserves mention. This release truly did push boundaries: not through the song, which contains no gay references, but instead in the music video, the first ever by a Boyband to replace the ubiquitous mysterious female love interest with a mysterious male. Neutral, schmeutral.

What about women singing about women then? Well, recently there’s been an exciting proliferation of seemingly straight women singing pop songs specifically about lesbian inclinations. Katy Perry had a worldwide number one with “I Kissed A Girl” and Rihanna’s current single “Te Amo” is all about the unrequited love of another woman, which the music video shows, well, vividly. The amazing Gaga – pioneering as ever – takes it a (confusing) step further by pretending to be a gay man in her “Alejandro” video. And it’s not completely one sided: Franz Ferdinand’s “Michael” is all about, well, lust for Michael. And McFly – in-between removing their clothes for magazines – did a fantastic cover of “I Kissed A Girl”.

But it’s interesting that the majority of people in the mainstream singing about gay love are all, seemingly, well, straight.

Let’s end coming full circle to Joe Mcelderry and more specifically the last year’s X Factor that created him. Cast your minds back to week one, when contestant Danyl sang “I’m Telling You”, an unusual (but great) song choice very much associated with a female singer. Judge Dannii Minogue caused uproar when stating that openly bisexual Danyl need not have changed the song’s gender references from male to female. The media attacked Dannii, but she had a valid point – if sexuality doesn’t matter, why when you’re bisexual should you need to bother changing the gender to ensure the song is heterosexual? This wasn’t the only time gender references were changed in the series: another contestant, Lloyd, sang “I Kissed A Girl” but altered the line “hope my boyfriend don’t mind it” to “girlfriend”. Not only did this awkwardly change the meaning of the song from one of sexual experimentation to nonsensical infidelity, it just felt unnecessary in 2009.

At times the pop music world is at the forefront of gay equality, but it still has some way to go. Bring on the day Joe Mcelderry can launch his solo career with a worldwide number one called “I Kissed A Boy”. Oh and whilst we’re at it, the day when a footballer comes out.

*From the brilliant musical “Avenue Q”. Go see it. Incidentally, I should be a lyricist as the next line totally rhymes.

I recently did an impressive performance of Diana Vickers’ “Once” at Karaoke. It’s hard to repeat the word “Once” 45 times and not lose your audience, but I think I managed it. Literary Agent Flatmate was there too and was shocked to discover the lyric that leads into each chorus isn’t “I’m gonna get the b**tch who killed me / Once  (x45)”, but is actually “I’m only gonna let you kill me / Once (x45)”. I truly wish Vickers had sung Literary Agent Flatmate’s lyric and thereby delivered the first ever pop song from the perspective of a dead person, seeking revenge.

Literary Agent Flatmate’s mistake got me thinking about the other misheard lyrics I’ve come across and how they can change a song’s meaning. Half a day later, I had a top 10 and a blog post. So here are my favourite for you; and please add your own in the comments.

1. Grease: “You’re The One That I Want”

9 years ago my friend Lucy rightly pointed out that the cast of Grease actually sing “you’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)” rather than this widely believed “you’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”. The pretentious ex-English Lit student part of me is convinced an amazing Lyricist put this in as a subversive comment on the depressing ending of Grease. Small hollow shells of puff pastry, after all, are a pretty good metaphor for the person Sandy has to become to make Danny like her.

Misheard: “You’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)”

Actual: “You’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”

Click to hear

2. Celine Dion: “My Heart Will Go On”

Misheard: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the hot dogs go on”

Actual: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on”

Any attempt to take Titanic seriously was ruined by the French & Saunders parody. The final nail in the coffin was The Boyfriend pointing out that Celine is actually singing about an impossibly long, omnipresent hot dog.

Click to hear

3. Lady Gaga: “Alejandro”

I think there might be something about me and food. Because my third mishearing is:

Misheard: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, no vindaloos”

Actual: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, nothing to lose”

Incidentally, is “hot like Mexico” the best ever simile in a song? Probably yes.

Click to hear

4.  Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”

Misheard: “I can’t believe you kiss your [expletive too rude for this family friendly blog] at night”

Actual: “I can’t believe you kiss your car good night”

We used to be allowed the the radio on in class when I studied A Level Art back in the early noughties and every time this song came on the whole class would all sing, shouting out the misheard line. The misheard and actual phrases sound so similar the teacher never realised we were being rude, which was really hilarious. Once you have the first line in your head, you can never hear the real lyrics again. (Shania is right to express disbelief at either scenario).

Click to hear

5. Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”

Misheard: “You’re a regular Reginald, know it all”

Actual: “You’re a regular, original, know it all”

Another from Shania, this mistake was actually made by a karaoke machine and has now stuck. The karaoke machine was much more inventive than the original lyricist: what name better embodies the concept of a “know it all” than Reginald? Apologies to any Reginald’s in my Internet Following.

Click to hear

5. Janet Jackson: “When I Think Of You”

For years, I was convinced that Janet Jackson sung the words “baked bean” in “When I Think Of You”. I now admit that I was probably wrong.

Misheard: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), baked bean (so in love)”.

Actual: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), ba-by (so in love)”.

Click to hear

6. Des’ree: “Kissing You”

Is Des’ree’s Kissing You one of the greatest songs never released? Possibly yes. Even if it is lyrically incomprehensible. For years Literary Agent Flatmate believed the opening lyrics were:

Misheard: “While I can stand a thousand trials, Mr Wrong will never fall. The marching stars, without you my soul cries. Bleeding heart…”

Actual: “Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall. But watching stars without you, my soul cries. Heaving heart…”

Essentially, quite different songs.

Click to hear

7. Mariah Carey: “Without You”

Misheard: “No, I can’t forget the ceiling, or your face as you were leaving”

Actual: “No, I can’t forget this evening, or your face as you were leaving”

I always loved the idea that Mariah (even though she didn’t write it, and it’s a cover) was being really clever here and suggesting she’d spent all night unable to sleep, pondered her about-to-end relationship, and therefore had been staring at the ceiling for approximately 12 hours. For me that whole pre-story was summed up in those first six words. Never mind. A much ruder mishearing of this song is here.

Click to hear

8. Lady Gaga: “Bad Romance”

Misheard: “I want your psycho, your vertical stick. Want you tomorrow when no baby is sick.”

Actual: “I want your psycho, your vertigo stick. Want you in my rear window, baby you’re sick”

I had no idea what Gaga was on about here (although I suspected that “vertical stick” was a bad Mills & Boons-esque euphemism and I’d also constructed a small back story around Gaga’s love interest in Bad Romance being married; and his child was ill today so he had to cancel their rendezvous). In actuality, Gaga is being much cleverer than I could have imagined and referring to a range of Hitchcock movies: Psycho, Vertigo and Rear Window. I *actually* love her.

Click to hear

9. Take That: “Back For Good”

My housemate was convinced that Gary Barlow was singing “Wash your back” rather than “want you back” throughout this song. I also thought that Barlow sung: “we will never be uncommon again” when it’s actually “uncovered again”. Neither of these interpretations make any sense, but I’m at number nine and struggling a bit, so they will do nicely.

Misheard: “Want you back for good (wash your back, wash your back)”

Actual: “Want you back for good (want you back, want you back)”

Click to hear

10. Bowling For Soup: “Girl All The Bad Guys Want”

Misheard: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching West Wing”

Actual: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching Wrestling”

Suggested by one of my Twitter friends, I wish the song did actually refer to the popular American TV series, the West Wing. And that watching it was the epitome of cool. Excitingly, this is the first time the blog has ventured into the musical genre of pop-punk.

Click to hear

Fell free to share your own in the comments section! And visit this brilliant website for more.

Recently, The Boyfriend banned me from using the word “hate” for a week, whilst I banned him from saying “meh”. Apparently I use “hate” far too much when I don’t really mean it (“I hate the morning”; “I hate Hollyoaks now John Paul isn’t in it”; “My iPhone has crashed. I hate it”). I couldn’t help but wonder: is there too much hate in my Blog? Blog posts including “Why I Hate Yoghurt Adverts”; “What Is The Most Depressing Song Of All Time?”; “The Top 10 Worst Lyrics (Of Recent Years)” suggest possibly yes.

Turning over a new leaf, I’ve embarked on a new direction: a post full of Love, inspired by, who else but “singer, actor, dancer, musical performer, and media personality” John Barrowman. And why does JB deserve such love, you ask? “You fools!” I say, ”here are a mere 10 reasons why”.

1. It’s John Barrowman’s fault that I’m gay

Does anyone remember an amazing children’s TV show circa 1994 called “The Movie Game”, which JB presented? I do, because it was BRILLIANT and, in it, contestants made their way around a life-size board game, landing on squares that magicaly transported you to a movie set for an exciting challenge.

Onto the point: it was watching this show aged 12 that I realised that the American host was very attractive – and thereby by extension that the male sex were generally so too. If JB – the epitome of male attractiveness – hadn’t been on tele at this pivotal moment in my life, would I still be gay? I’m not 100% sure.

2. He presented “Live & Kicking”

There was no better way to spend a Saturday morning in your early teens than sat next to the video recorder frantically jabbing the record button to ensure that every 10 second snippet of your favourite band who were on Live & Kicking that week was recorded for posterity. And JB presented it.

3. He stared in “Megaladon: Shark Attack 3”

Who doesn’t love a good shark attack movie?  It’s a little known fact that JB starred in one of the best. Megaldaon 3 is a straight-to-video epic tale of a prehistoric 100 foot shark from the ice age terrorising a small US sea-side community. Unfortunately the budget didn’t match the creative ambition of the project and it looks like they could only afford the one stock image of a shark jumping out of the water. This doesn’t ruin the film’s impact though as I barely noticed that every time someone was eaten the same clip of a shark leaping out of the water was shown with various victims superimposed on top. As if it couldn’t get better, the film also includes JB articulating the most wildly inappropriate one-liner ever (too rude for this Blog). All of it makes me love JB more.

4. He was a first

JB’s character of Captain Jack in Doctor Who and Torchwood broke boundaries. He was the first non-heterosexual action hero in a mainstream TV show – and in a children’s TV show to boot.

Plus, the 5-parter of Torchwood on BBC was genuinely one of the best shows on tele last year. John Barrowman was pretty epic in it; especially when he happened to get naked whilst being stuck in a concrete block.

5. He has two accents

In 2008, JB took part in a BBC Documentary, to determine why he was gay (nature, nurture, etc). This led to an interesting moment where JB wired up his private parts to sensors and was then made to look at nice pictures of men to see if he fancied them. (I sometimes wonder if the wiring of the privates was really necessary in the name of science? He could probably have just told us if he liked the nice pictures of men). Anyway, there was a genuinely monumental discovery in this Documentary, when JB travelled home to meet his Scottish parents and without warning erupted into a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCOTTISH ACCENT. It was so Scottish he practically became a walking bagpipe. I cannot express how much I love it when he says: “You dressed me in a bikini!”.

6. He’s a Leading Man

Star of too many musicals to mention, his leading man status was best epitomised for me in the amazing TV show he hosted recently where celebrities sang classics from musicals. JB comes on at the end to perform, starting with an amazing Jesus Christ Superstar, which he merges seamlessly into the Rocky Horror Show. Then something odd happens and for some reason other people who are not JB sing for a while; and then everything is good  again when JB reappears and belts out an amazing “One Day More” from Les Mis to end. Watch it to believe it.

7. He knows how to judge a Reality TV Show

Who else could get away with tasks like “all the contestants must kiss me and through this I’ll pick which one would make the best Maria in the Sound of Music”?

8. He duets like no one has before  

Any of you who read my blog during the X Factor would know, I love gender reversal in songs. JB, unafraid to challenge stereotypes, recently took on “I Know Him So Well” with the lovely Daniel Boys – a classic musical duet sang by two women in love with the same man. There are so few songs sang by men that are overtly about men, which makes this bloody refreshing to hear.

9. He provided the world with an emotional life-anthem

Whilst we’re on music, his cover of “I Made It Through the Rain” become a phenomena last year when radio presenter Chris Moyles tried to get it to the top of the charts. It is a monumental, epic ballad about triumphing through adversity and when JB sings about his parade you just know it’s undoubtedly great.

10. He’s a great role model

And, can I end with a disclaimer at the bottom please, just in case JB ever reads this (which is, no doubt, likely). Despite the occasional moments of affectionate ribbing above (characteristic of my posts) I genuinely think JB is great. As an openly gay, married man he’s a fantastic role model for young gay people. And I particularly love the below glimpse into his married life.

JB, if you’re reading, the blog would also really love a signed photo.

Right, there you go. I used the world love at least eleven times in that post, so the Boyfriend should be very pleased.

P.S. I refuse to acknowledge the rumours about him and birthday cake.

This is my big blogging comeback. Literary Agent Flatmate recently announced that my infrequent blogging makes me appear uncommitted to writing and therefore I am unlikely to be offered a significant £££ publishing deal. What about my existing back catalogue, I exclaim?! Not enough, apparently. And so I return.

Planning my comeback after a gap of three months, I now know exactly how famous musicians feel whilst writing the difficult second album. What do the public *want*, I ask, in a not dissimilar way to Gwen Stefani in her exciting self-referential song “What You Waiting For?”?. What currently is the most pressing issue in popular culture?

And then I suddenly realised: ah yes, the best way of determining this is to see what my fanbase are currently googling to find my blog!

I am both alarmed and intrigued by what people are googling to find my blog, but I feel the below list casts an illuminating light over what The People really, really want.

1. “Derren Brown’s boyfriend Mark”

The People are *obsessed* by Derren Brown’s boyfriend, who happens to be called Mark, and all 62 of them must have been very disappointed when they found my site because I once happened to mention Derren Brown’s boyfriend and I’m called Mark. The People’s obsession has led to me being slightly interested myself and therefore I invested ten minutes in a bit of googling. There is a disappointing lack of information on the interweb about Derren Brown’s boyfriend, Mark. I learn only that he is an interior designer. So I understand why the People are frustrated. Not even a picture.

2. “How do the duck and the hippo in the silent night advert make babies?”

I truly love all those who have, like me, also wondered about the Duck and Hippo’s unconventional relationship in the Silent Night Adverts. I have a vague recollection from Biology A Level that two different species can breed (i.e. a horse and a donkey, making a mule) but I imagine they have to be more genetically similar than a hippo and duck. Hope that helps.

Someone also asked: “is the hippo in the silent night advert married to the chick?”. To answer, it’s never been made clear, and there is no obvious wedding rings, but the assumption is yes. Either way, it’s weird and wrong.

3. “F**k I hate yoghurt adverts”

I hear you, I hear you. I also hear the person who asks google “what’s the plural of Petit Filous?”. I think the answer is, one petit filous is too infinitely small and pointless for the brain to comprehend and thereby technically they can only be seen in packs of six. Therefore, Petit Flious automatically refers to the plural. Hope that clears things up.

4. “What is Jason Orange doing right now?”

Why does my blog attract a small but worrying group of Jason Orange stalkers? What kind of internet site would tell you what Jason Orange is doing right now? Not mine, and I also can’t tell you what kind of women he’s into or where you can find naked photos of him.* But please do keep visiting the site.

5. “Can i just say I love how every northeaster ever knows Joe McElderry?”

Ha ha ha, of course you can. FYI, apparently there is a small statue to Joe McElderry in Edinburgh. I wonder if there’s also one of Michelle McManus in Glasgow? If so, I wonder if it is broken and deserted, just like Ozymandias? I’m really pleased by that reference, Literary Agent Flatmate

I can also answer the person who inquired “how much is Joe McElderry worth?”. The answer being, a George Michael-esque single that charts at no.2 and a similar fated album, followed by a successful stint in Joseph.

6. “Boyband Tied Up”.

Um, sometimes you lot freak me out a bit. And I’m not sure those googling this are actually interested in my blog post on how Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love” video symbolically depicts the disintegration of the archetypal Boyband video (which is where I mention the fact they are tied up).

7. “What is Lady Gaga’s blood group?”

Not a bloody clue. I also don’t know how she made her rib cage bleed at the MTV Music Awards. I guess I can sort of excuse the People’s curiosity about this, as Gaga has recently been touring with a blood fountain on stage. Some less disturbing Gaga googles have been “I hate pop but I love Gaga” (she’s great, isn’t she?), “Lady Gaga loves cats” (me too), “my boyfriend loves Lady Gaga” (good for him! Nothing to be alarmed about there) and “Lady Gaga the next big superstar” (I think you’ve missed the boat there).

8. “Build Me Up Buttercup Glee”

Why are you googling this? This could not happen, could it? The worst song of all time can’t appear in the best TV show of all time? Never! I would explode in confusion!

9. “I hate my birthday it’s so depressing“

I find this quite moving. Hope it wasn’t so rubbish this year. I feel the same way about New Year, FYI.

In fact, my blog seems to be a repository for people feeling a bit down. Over 1,000 people have googled “depressing songs” and found my post of the most depressing songs of all time. Which makes me feel a bit sad myself as my post on why I hate yoghurt adverts was much better.

10. “Suddenly the car was surrounded by what looked like giant bats”

Err, ok then, but I have no idea how my blog can help. Equally intriguing are “rubbing myself” (nice, but again how is my blog relevant?), “People who think they are cats” (I do think I’ve seen that Channel 5 documentary actually so have some thoughts on this) and “depressing party songs” (you should’ve come to our house party 3 years ago).

So there you go, my comeback. I feel quite invigorated by my return to blogging. And anyone who accuses me of rehashing my old material to create my “second album” is just wrong.

*Incidentally, I also don’t know what Shayne Ward’s favourite pastimes are. Sorry. At a guess, I’d say he probably likes a good night on the town but also enjoys the odd night in with some DVDs and a glass of wine.

It’s my birthday next week* and I am doing karaoke. I have been mulling over my song choices. I’m currently considering “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (I don’t care it’s out of season). I’m also keen on “Bleeding Love”, but my friends are trying to steer me away, fearing it is ambitious. I’m choosing carefully as in the past I have been known to unintentionally pick songs that kill dead the mood of the private karaoke box. Which brings me nicely onto this week’s blog post.

My iPod has gained a bit of a reputation amongst my friends as being bloody depressing. My ill-fated “house party playlist” showed me that songs I think are uplifting floor fillers are to others more sit-down-and-ponder-existential-suffering. Note: Karma Police by Radiohead does not get the party started.

So, scrolling through my iPod, I decided to create a cheerful blog post about the most depressing songs of all time. There have been many lists before that contain the usual suspects (Gary Jules “Mad World”, The Verve “The Drugs Don’t Work””, REM “Everybody Hurts”) so I’ve gone for an alternative list. I’ve even divided them into nice categories for your convenience. Please do contribute your own suggestions and thoughts in the comments below.

Just plain depressing (but good):

Sia – “Breathe Me”

You probably wont know this song but might recognize the instrumental that starts at 4:27, which is used in any emotional TV musical montage worth watching, along with the instrumental in Desree’s “Kissing You”. It was used as the finale song in the brilliant “Six Feet Under”, which is worthy of a hundred blog posts in itself. If you haven’t seen the final episode then skip on, but this song accompanies perhaps the best six minutes ever shown on TV. In these last minutes we see the future death of each character, who you have got to know over six seasons. Alan Ball is so clever he even manages to make everything six. Brilliant TV and a fitting song. I blubbed for approximately 24 hours after watching. Proper ugly blubbing, like Alexandra Burke when she won X Factor.

Arcade Fire – “Cold Wind”

Another song discovered through the “Six Feet Under” soundtrack: this one’s used to accompany the disappearance of the main character’s wife who vanishes one day. The song itself is about a man disappearing and by the time the funereal organ starts and the background singers start chanting “dead, dead, dead” (some say it’s “hey, hey, hey”, but I’m sure it’s not) it has got bloody depressing. But great.

Songs That Try To Be Depressing But Actually Are Just Funny

Eternal – “Don’t You Love Me”

Who could forget Eternal’s apocalyptic vision of the social chaos the world was descending into in 1997? Eternal went all “let’s put social messaging in our songs” with potent lyrical content like “why does granny have to walk the streets?” and “child goes to the store for a loaf of bread/bullets flying all around his head”. The child choir is the icing on the cake.

Mel C – “If That Were Me”

Mel C’s enlightened song about homelessness. It contains the lyric “I couldn’t live without my phone/But you don’t even have a home”. Possibly. The. Worst. Lyric. Ever.

 Songs That No-One Else Finds Depressing But I Do:

The Foundations – “Build Me Up Buttercup”

I fully acknowledge that it is probably only me that finds this song soul achingly depressing. But I maintain that it is (in exclusively bad ways). There’s something about “Build Me Up Buttercup” that sums up every rubbish night out I had at university spent in a club I didn’t really want to be in, dancing to rubbish music with groups of people alternating between inappropriately snogging each other and crying. Those introductory bars are enough to make me shudder. Argh! This gets no video.

Sugababes – “About You Now”

An uplifting pop song (and the Sugababes’ best moment without Siobhan), this song was transformed for me by its inclusion in one of Hollyoaks’ better sequences. Now, before you laugh, Hollyoaks went through a stage a few years ago of breaking free of its trashy storylines about fit girls to produce some brilliant, innovative plots. One of the best, which should not have worked, was Max’s funeral. Steph, his widow, is a wannabe singer, but isn’t actually very good. When she stands up at Max’s funeral to sing “About You Now”, it absolutely *should* be hideous and silly. Instead, her a-cappella off key rendition is pretty touching, especially as the song sums up her regret at umm-ing and err-ing over Max before they got married.

Watch the brilliance here! It was the closest we got to making my housemate who never cries cry.

Songs That Are More Depressing Than They Seem:

David Gray – “The One I Love”

David Gray puts something into his chords that makes all his songs fill you with sad nostalgia. If any of my Internet Following is musically minded please do explain how he does this. “The One I Love”, my favourite of David’s songs, initially sounds like his most cheerful, with a chirpy jangly melody and the nice “tell the stars above/that you’re the one I love” chorus. Oh no no. Listen properly and you realize this song is actually sung by a man bleeding to death, hallucinating about his lover. Amazing.

Kelly Clarkson – “Because of You”

This song is obviously sad and on first listen seems like a typical power ballad sung by rejected ex. Oh no. In fact, it has some of the bleakest pop lyrics I know. Listen carefully and it’s actually about a child who’s been emotionally damaged by a parent (“I watched you die, I heard you cry/every night in your sleep/I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me”). The song gets darker as the music builds, culminating with Kelly telling us how ashamed she is of her life because it’s so empty. Few pop songs go this bleak.

There are so many more I could have written about  (Mika’s “Happy Ending”, especially when the cuddly toys start crying in the video; George Michael’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me” – oh dear Lord, Peter Andre is releasing a version of this; Sinead O’Connor “Nothing Compares To You” – that one perfect tear in the video), but that’s enough for today. Glee is now on. To lighten the mood, I want to end with one of my favourite YouTube clips ever: Karen from Outnumbered pretending to be Gordon Ramsay and Nigella Lawson:

* Feel free to send me birthday emails/leave birthday comments/send presents. Or suggest karaoke songs.

My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy. This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.

Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:

1. The Christ-like Gesture:

This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.

Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):

Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?

2. Location:

The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” video below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change.

Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice fire escape in the background.

But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses a giant hot air balloon?

The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.

3. A mysterious female figure:

Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.

A special shout out must also be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video.

Throughout 2009 I was mostly ignoring Lady Gaga. “Just Dance” and “Poker Face” didn’t do much for me. I would go so far to say that I thought she was a vessel for slightly soulless but catchy dance/R&B/pop songs. But in 2010 this has all changed. In my house there’s even been whispers that she could be the “new Beyonce” (a genuine honour). And here is why:

1. The Bad Romance video. Why is she stuck in a suitcase? Why do her and her friends think they are cats? Why is she so keen to stay in the bath? Why is she now dressed as a lobster? Why is she now dragging a bear on her back? Does she know that a rat has climbed onto her head? Why are her eyes so big? Why does her face look different in every single shot? So. Many. Fascinating. Questions. The song itself is also brilliant. I am working hard to memorize the “rah-rah ah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma, ga-ga oh-la-la” bit. Much to my housemates’ delight.

 
Even better: if you fancy recreating the video at home, here’s how (this is absolutely brilliant):

2. For no apparent reason, half way through Lady Gaga’s performance of “Paparazzi” at the VMAs last year fake blood started gushing suddenly from her rib cage. She staggered around the stage and found a rope. She then attached herself to this rope, ascended with blood smeared across her face, wailed frantically and a halo appeared behind her.

3. For no apparent reason, in Lady Gaga’s 2009 X Factor performance she decided to be a bat in a bath, surrounded by people who looked dead and angry but think they are cats. Lady Gaga, realizing she’s the only bat amongst a lot of cats, quickly tries to blend in by awkwardly ditching the bat arms and also pretending she’s a cat. It seems to work. She then sits on a giant fake loo and plays the piano for a bit. The cat-people seem drawn to this and wiggle their hips around her.  She then gets back into the bath: the cat people seem less happy with this and push her to the edge of the bath.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grKF_AcmYdc

(Apparently she wanted lambs on stage with her. God knows what she would have done with them. I hate Simon Cowell for telling her no).

I’m slightly worried. I recently admitted that most of the time I’m listening to my iPod I’m pretending to be in a music video, which I thought was widespread, normal behaviour. Apparently not.

For those unfamiliar with this pastime, the best location to try this is on trains, where looking a bit sad whilst staring out the window is the perfect accompaniment to many songs. Natalie Imbruglia in “Shiver” demonstrates the wistful look I aim for perfectly:

Also good is simple walking through faceless crowds – the underground is ideal – whilst again looking a bit sad or even angry, like Richard Ashcroft:

Possibilities are endless. You can have walking on a beach à la Chris Martin in “Yellow”:

Dramatic walking on a cliff top (Take That, “Patience”):

Even standing in crowded room (as Will Young showed us):

But all this is a distraction from the main reason for the blog post. Today it dawned on me (whilst on train, pretending to be in music video), that, as there are Christmas songs (i.e. “Driving Home For Christmas”), there should also be songs to mark the strange time in-between Christmas and New Year (i.e.“Getting The Train Back After Christmas”). Post-holiday truly is an undiscovered genre.

At least that’s what I thought. Until my Literary Agent Flatmate alerted me to another blog on this topic, which lists a few songs that fit this niche. (Seriously now, this was going to be my first highly innovative blog post and someone got in there first, just 3 days ago).

But I can add one more! Sugababes, “New Year”*. I was reminded of this song when Noddy Holder declared that it was his 37th favourite Christmas Song (“Don’t You Love Me Baby” by Human League was his 3rd though, so we’re not entirely convinced by his chart). A little known song, released when the Sugababes were still great, i.e. when they included Siobhan Donaghy. (Siobahn created officially the most underrated album of all time, Ghosts, which incidentally includes a song sung part backwards. Siobhan deserves a whole blog post of her own, so more on her in the future). For now, here is the underrated “New Year” : a song who’s title promises positivity, but it’s actually mostly about reflecting on the disappointment of the year just gone. I personally think the Sugababes’ bluesy harmonies perfectly sum up this time of year.

And another! Dina Carol’s “The Perfect Year” (remember her?) is set on New Year’s eve. She even says so in the song. I guess the hideous “Millennium Prayer” by Cliff also sort of fits. I’ve found one more: Barry Manilow’s cheery “It’s Just Another New Year’s Eve”.

However, I campaign for a major, relevant artist to release a song that defines that post Christmas pre New Year feeling, please, in the way that Mariah sums up Christmas in “All I Want For Christmas”. It’s a funny time of year, full of post Christmas melancholy and wistful reflection, plus a bit of hope. It would be massive.

And on that note, Happy New Year to all my wonderful Internet Following (i.e. housemates, The Boyfriend, Paul and a few other random people who google rude things about X Factor contestants). Here’s to 2010 and much blogging.

*OK, technically the Sugababes “New Year” could be said to be a Christmas song, as it talks about a “year ago at Christmas”. And they repeat the word Christmas a lot. But it’s set at 2:30am so I’d say it was Christmas evening, and therefore Boxing Day, alright? And it’s all about the the last/New Year really.

P.S. It seems I’m not alone after all! On trains Literary Agent Flatmate believes she is Gabrielle in “Out Of Reach”. As below.