Hello everyone! Tonight it’s a “Heroes and Guilty Pleasures” theme. This has got to be the week when someone does “Swagger Jagger”, hasn’t it? That’s what we’re all hoping for, right? And as for guilty pleasures, I have high hopes for Shampoo.

The Judges enter and Tulisa does an unprecedented double arm gesture, possibly for legal reasons.

Little Mix:

Little Mix are on first with a slightly, well, let’s say it how it is, disappointing “mash up”. Weird baby-doll styling with a competent but lacklustre vocal and a bit all over the place choreography. They also try the daring move of letting the others apart from the one we know can definitely sing sing.  I want them to be better than this. Maybe they could just do their ET performance each week? I’m sure that’s allowed, like when Cher Lloyd did “Stay” like four times?

Janet:

Janet is consistently on early in the running order so it’s obvious they want her out. Which makes me determined that she should stay. But then it’s revealed she’s singing Mmmbop, which I have to hate as it knocked Eternal off number one in May 1997. So I’m all kinds of torn here.

I must say I prefer creepy but amazing Somebody To Love Janet as opposed to hippy bohemian Janet, but when she seemingly forgets her words and then tries to sing loudly I can’t help but feel for her. She seems lost, like she just wants to get away from the show to go back to her field in Ireland to sing to horses, but there’s also a quiet refusal to conform about “I’m not boring I’m weird” Janet that I like.

Following the song there’s some confusion over whether Janet forgot the words or thought she was about to vomit on stage and I would have liked greater clarity on this in the Dermot interview, plus further discussion into whether we think this is, like, winter vomiting or something she ate.

Incidentally, someone throwing up mid-performance would actually be mindboggling TV, right?

Gary says the song was “percussive in nature with a groove mode”. I love it when Gary talks music. I have music theory grade five BTW.

Misha B:

Misha has unfortunately created a name for her fans, which no one apart from Gaga should be allowed to do. But I forgive it all when does an absolutely brilliant reggae version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” with rap. She’s so good she should be allowed to refer to herself in the third person without losing all her votes for doing so, which is what’s about to happen here.

Marcus:

Fingers crossed Marcus will sing the underrated Barlow classic “Open Road” mashed up with “Love Won’t Wait”. OK, OK, I know a lot about Gary’s solo career. So what? Stop staring at me.

Marcus doesn’t do the above, but I do love the Wham song he does do and also Marcus’ ability to revel completely in a song, while owning the stage and also stamping on Louis’ notes.

But then I compare it to Misha who transformed a song and suddenly it seems a bit average.

Amelia:

Amelia Lily also has a name for her fans: lilies. This has to stop.

Amelia does Carol Decker’s “China In Your Hand”, which turns out to be one of the top performances of the series. A quirky, powerful vocal, and she was completely immersed in the song. She’s the most versatile artist here and I find her pretty exciting because of that.

Watching Carol Decker on Twitter raging at Barlow is also all kinds of brilliant.

Right, OK everyone, we’re half way through and still have SECOND SONGS to come. I’m rapidly running out of energy and during the advert break I decided that I actually want the song from the new Nokia advert to win this year. Given all this, I’ll attempt to sum up the remaining performances in one sentence.

Little Mix:

The one that we knew could definitely sing can really really sing can’t she?

(*Explodes*. No, no, no Little Mix: when we asked for stripped back (and when I say ‘we’ I mean Gary, but I agreed with him) we didn’t want a straight ballad; no, we wanted a stripped back version of a normally up-tempo song. Or “Stay” by Shakespeare’s Sister. Whatever, it wasn’t “Beautiful”. And what was with the weird “CAN’T” bit? I only say this all as I know you can be better than this, Little Mix).

Janet:

Good that we’ve got creepy dark ballad Janet back, but sadly the vocals weren’t quite strong enough to carry such a sparsely produced song and Tulisa just kept saying “Janet Devlin” at her during the comments.

Mischa B:

Don’t worry everyone, I added in the “one time” for her. [I NEED TWO SENTENCES HERE]. Occasionally pitchy, but still captivating; however, I would have preferred her to do a hip hop ballad version of a song that wasn’t originally a ballad [YES, I KNOW I’M A BROKEN RECORD].

Marcus:

Slightly out of tune most of the way through.

Amelia:

A great song, but an awful choice for Amelia as you can’t help but sound out of tune and shouty; and Amelia was sadly both and, Kelly, please stop making “lilies” try to happen.

Bottom Two: if the performances had anything to do with it (yes, yes, I know they don’t) then I’d be fearing for Little Mix and Janet. Instead, I fear for Amelia and Mischa B. Which makes me sad as in a parallel universe where Siobhan Donaghy has just released her fifth chart topping album, one of those two would win this thing.

Please share your own thoughts below!