This year, I want weird X Factor. And by that I don’t mean Jedward or Chico weird. What I want is a final 12 who are talented, but who are also a little left of the middle. Like Danyl from last year, who belted out diva songs, or Diana Vickers who performed with her back to the audience, or Rikki Loney who had an unusual eyebrow. Basically, I want Gaga – currently the most successful popstar on the planet – sprinkled over every performance. Imagine. (Not literally, Gaga).

The above is possible, if a little unlikely. Before tonight’s revelations of who’s through and who’s returning to a hellish painting/decorating career, I beg the Judges: be brave! Don’t pick the boybanders with annoying fringes. Pick the below top 12 instead!

THE GIRLS:

Cher:
She raps.

Gamu:
My heart broke a little when she realised the tragic impossibility of time travel: “I can never go back and do that different, can I?”. In addition, her voice sounds like Christmas.

Katie:
She wears a costume on her eyelashes; she wants to be famous in both music, fashion and medicine (?); and she has a distinctive (slightly deep) singing voice. WHAT IS NOT TO LIKE? Marmite sales will rocket if she’s on the live shows.

THE BOYS:

Matt (Painter/Decorator):
After an initial period of resistance I have grown to appreciate the hat. I also thought he was simply a stock Cheeky Chappy; turns out he can belt out traditionally female songs with an attractive falsetto.

Aiden (The One Who Looks A Bit Like Joe McElderry):
“He’s too in his own world” when he sings, which means he twitches and refuses to open his eyes. I like him.

(The Italian One They Said Was Like A Diva):
He sings songs directly to men, without changing the gender (take note Made Up Boyband who slightly warped the meaning of Torn). That makes him a winner in my eyes.

THE GROUPS:

The Reason:
They’re attractive. But not in a traditional boyband way. I.e. They don’t look like puppies. I can imagine them doing acapella versions of current songs, like “Umbrella” perhaps.

Princes and Rogues:
Misfits who wear bow ties in a quirky geek-chic way? Brilliant. A bit like The Feeling. Anyone remember Eton Road from Series 3? Like them but better.

Diva Fever:
When they were singing Girls Aloud I didn’t want it to end. That’s gotta mean they’re brilliant, right? We’ve never had an X Factor group so out and out camp. And we should.

THE OVER 28s:

They’d be best wiping the category this year.*

There you go! I’ve blogged this via my iPhone on a train, which makes me feel truly technologically relevant. And also a little like I’ve just written a giant text message. Apologies if that’s so.

*OK, if I had to pick three, I’d say:

Mary from Tesco:
Because she could be branded “Mary From Tesco” and her album sold exclusively in Tesco. Plus I quite liked her made up words in her Coldplay song (“blah blah blah I’m getting the words wrroooong”).

The Guy Who Sang That Song About Wanting To Be A Millionaire (So Friggin Bad). AKA John:
Because he’s the closest thing to relevance that Louis has.

The One Who Couldn’t Be Bothered To Audition For Dutch X Factor As It’s A Bit Rubbish (Yuli):
Because she obviously saw the other contestants in her category and thought the theme this year was madness. And therefore she made her hair a bit crazy and ended her song yelling the word “bonkers” (whilst pointing at the hair). You’ve gotta give her credit for that.